The last time I went to the Doctor it took about five days for me to get there. Now those five days weren't the travel time. I mean NHS Doctors are over subscribed but not that over subscribed that I have to travel to another country on foot.

Those five days were the time it took to convince myself I should really go. A lot of this involved getting psyched then distracting myself with pointless things so I ended up missing the chance to go that day.

In this time period my symptoms got worse. From mild pain to oh damn I could really do with the strong medication right now as it is hard to lift my arm Doc. I really needed to go. This was about three days in and I managed to procrastinate for another day before I couldn't ignore it anymore.

With all that in mind I struggled to sleep the night before I went. I cried through waiting for the appointment. I burst into more tears when the Doctor let me in for my ten minutes. 

This like many situations I have cried in sent the other person in the room into a bit of a panic. They dragged tissues out and tried to talk me through it. I tried not to laugh as I find this unsettles more often than not.

I explained I get worried and afraid going to the Doctors. They asked if it was a phobia, whether I had bad experiences with Doctors. I shook my head. 

"I am scared I am wasting your time."

Now the Doctor was confused by this. Like all good Doctors they want to find a cause they can treat. They could see I was visibly in pain, that this wasn't a faking sick moment. So why would I be wasting their time?

The problem I have is that I don't value my health over others time. I have a lot family who work in health care and I know that their jobs are killer. They work long hard hours and come home with stories about the crazy shit they go through. I don't want to waste their time if I have just a little sniffle! 

Unfortunately my brain also doesn't know the difference between a sniffle and my arm falling off. My brain also doesn't know the difference between inconvenience and asking a waiter to bring me the bill. The difference between wasting time and asking for help from a tutor at university.

I can see that this logic is screwed up but it is going to take me a while to convince myself that it is not a problem for me to have an impact on the world. That I am just as wonderful as all the people I value so highly for giving up a bit of time and patience with me. That includes you. So thank you for reading.