Cemeteries always gave me an uneasy feeling. And going to one in the middle of winter was especially never fun. By this time the trees were bare and dead looking with dirty, gray snow lying at its trunk. I walked around each of the gravestones, some already with fresh flowers. His was all the way in the back near the fence. Thankfully, unlike the opposite side, he wasn’t right by the road. Which probably made what I was about to do more awkward.

I kneeled down at his grave with my backpack under my knees. I held the flowers awkwardly in my hands. “Um… hi.” I started. Once I got going it wasn’t weird, but starting it was always difficult. “I bought flowers… again. It was last minute, sorry. But you probably don’t care.” I grinned. “Well, let's see.”

I set the flowers down under his name. “Literally nothing has changed from last year to now. I got taller, I guess. Now I’m about a foot taller than you.” I chuckled on a memory of him once towering over me. “Damn, I thought I was going to be short forever. But you were pretty tall for a thirteen-year-old.” I stared at his headstone at the words 'Our Beloved Son and Devoted Brother.' It reminded me of Malory and Oliver. 

As they stood by the archway of the funeral home, too scared to walk up to the open casket. Two years had passed, but I could still hear them sobbing. Malory was five and Oliver was six. It had been the first time they’d been confronted with death.

That Sunday seemed to drag on for an eternity. It was like time had stopped to mourn, too. I remember just staring from afar at his casket, at his lifeless face, and wondering why. The day before the end he seemed so happy. 

I didn't understand. We were supposed to talk about what happened. Why did he run away?

The funeral was after his mother had read and reread his last words. The details of his sexual orientation, how he felt so alone, his fear of people finding out and what that meant for him in the future, and me. I couldn't help but think about how all of this was my fault. His mother seemed to have reached the same conclusion, too

I closed my eyes as I thought about that day.

She leaned over the casket, one hand pressed to her heart with the other clenching the white sleeve of Lucas' shirt. Her sobs were blending in with the children while all her husband could do was hug them. Every so often she would ask the same never-ending question. “Why?”

I could literally feel my own gravity weighing me down. I couldn’t stop myself from trembling, either. Thoughts like I’ll never see him again and I did this were so loud they were practically screaming in my head. I never got too close to the casket. For the entire service I never got any further than behind with Malory and Oliver.

I will never forget the glare on Katie’s face as she took the hands of her last remaining children. There was a mix of emotions on her pretty face. Ones of anger, sorrow, and probably the same denial I found myself in. With a heavy breath she told me, “You did this.”

I opened my eyes again and stared blankly at the headstone. “I never would have hated you,” I promised him. “Your mom and dad, Malory and Oliver… they wouldn’t have thought any less of you.” My nose stung. “I’m sorry…” I leaned over, covering my mouth. Why was this so fucking hard? I swear every year it only got worse.

“I’m so sorry…” My face felt wet. “I should have listened to you.”

I shouldn't have pushed you away.