I did this every time. Watching him leave broken and crying... Watching him suffer... I did this every time... What a coward! What a jerk I am! What a selfish jerk I am! And the worst part is, I can't even stop myself from being that way. What the hell is wrong with me?

We were close back in junior high. We were best friends since middle school. I realize of that. But at the last year of Junior High, I got accepted into the football team. I got accepted by the popular kids. I was popular. And no one can know that all this while, Trance Wilson, the school nerd, the nobody, was my boyfriend. So, I bullied him to assure my new friends that there’s nothing going on between us. They didn’t know that I’m gay. They didn’t know of that little history between me and Trance. They just thought that I dumped him as my best friend because Trance didn’t deserve to be my friend anymore. Because I was one of them.

But Trance was the nicest person on earth. He went along with me bullying him and where no one can see, we were still lovers. He accepted my fears. He accepted my selfishness. He was the nicest person. I was the worst. He accepted me for who I am. I did not accept him for who he was. I am still the worst.

I realize I am being a ruthless idiot, but I can’t stop myself. I don’t want to lose the popularity I had right now. God, it was horrible. I can’t forget what I’ve done to Trance. I can’t forgive myself. I understand if he can’t forgive me too. The worst part is that I still love him and I still let myself be the jerk that I was. I can’t stop. I just can’t stop myself. God, I really hate myself. The whole of last year passed by like a nightmare to me.

I didn’t see him for the whole year since he was in coma. I snuck into the hospital to check on him sometimes and then went back home crying and banging my head to the wall. I began to get into a new habit of burning my body with a cigarette. The burning sensation on my skin helps me forget. It helps me to feel bad about myself. It makes me feel like I can make it up to Trance by hurting myself. How pathetic.

And now, I can’t stop crying. Why the hell am I crying? Am I feeling sorry for myself or for Trance? Maybe both. He seems to be just fine now. He had that guy. Damn it! Seeing them together makes my skin crawl. If I were to do the same, coming out of the closet with him like that, would people have accepted us? Fuck, I hate having these feelings. He really hates me now. He was disgusted by me. Yeah! He should! I am disgusted by me too.

Trance… My sweet Trance… I’d want nothing in this entire world than your forgiveness. But for now, I’m going to go burn myself with the cigarette… The pain makes me feel strong. It helps. I wish I could turn back time. My selfishness has brought me to this and I have no one else to blame other than myself. But I really miss him. I miss how we used to be. I miss the sound of the way he would call my name. I miss his smile when he looked at me. I could never hear that voice calling sweetly to me again. And I will never see him smile the same way towards me again. All that is left for me is pain.