Dear, dear bachelors,

Halloween is over, and what do most of us have to show for it? Nothing really. We all didn’t decorate (because who has the time?), and we all didn’t go to any parties because they stopped being any fun after college (and if we went to one, it was just everyone at the office politely not looking at Stacy from accounting struggle with her latex catsuit and Aaron from marketing binge on tiny cocktails).

Where did all the fun go? Am I just too old to enjoy it? These may be plaguing your minds, dear bachelors, but I assure you that this is a simple matter of perspective. Halloween is a time for children. What follows is where the adults have their fun.

The days after Halloween are an adult playground as stores desperately try to get rid of their leftover stock to make way for their Christmas displays (and that’s a whole other problem that I will address in a bit). Aisles and aisles across the shopping centers of your cities will be filled with all the unloved misfits of Halloween. Your options are endless.

Buy a fake hand! Use it for a prank or a prop or something. Just go out and buy it because it’s 50 cents. An animatronic door knocker that scares guests? Of course! You’ll never have to worry about solicitors ever again for the low, low cost of $2.67. A giant, posable skeleton? Yes! Get it! And for $3.09, it will be the perfect piece to complete your living room’s decor.

But let us not forget the piece de resistance: clearanced candy! From candy corn to gummies to fruity chewies to chocolates, there’s candy as far as the eye can see. You’re adults so there’s no one to tell you not to or asking for you to share a couple (and by a couple, they mean all) chocolates. Go out and indulge yourselves, my dearest bachelors, in the spoils of the aftermath of Halloween! (Just be careful that you don’t get too full for Thanksgiving.)

Happy eating!

~A Bachelor’s Guide to the Holidays