content note: this episode contains an intimate scene of dubious consent.
— i'm going out, i've got a date.
“ooh, when will we get to see them?” asks robyn, using the singular they, which makes me have a better opinion of her. she stirs her coffee. i'm still not used to the smell of coffee in the flat, which is just another incentive to go outside this afternoon.
william says, « henrie doesn't bring dates to the flat anymore, » with a global rise.
— yeah i don't bring dates to the flat anymore.
“anymore,” she says with a global rise. “anymore?”
william looks at me. « not since jessica. have you told robyn about her? »
jessica had stars in her eyes — her pupils were star-shaped — and magenta hair and very long fingers. she liked wearing long skirts and colourful, thin leather belts. she liked to laugh, and her laugh was a relieved sigh and a series of giggles. she bought me cereal milk after i had panic attacks, which i got whenever i noticed my heart rate going up, which happened whenever my heart rate went up, which happened whenever she kissed me.
‘have you told them about me?’ she asked, leaning back on the couch.
‘no,’ i replied, ‘because william and juliet are out today. they went to an exhibit opening, at blank gallery. juliet's in a mood — a bad mood — but that just means he needs to go look at more postmodern art to be annoyed at. at least that's what william says.’
she turned down the laptop, her laptop, on which we were watching sense and sensibility. ‘you know, henrie, i'd like to meet them; the way you talk about them, you make them sound so nice.’
‘that's because i'm very polite.’
she laughed, and i didn't understand what was so funny. and then she touched my hair, and my shoulders, and my face, and she kissed me, on the lips. i kissed her, on the cheek. she kissed me on the lips again, and i closed my eyes and let her kiss me more. i didn't notice she was unbuttoning my shirt until i felt her hands. i decided that i didn't mind.
‘you're so cute,’ she said, which i liked. ‘henrie.’
‘jessica.’ i paused, because i felt like i should say more than just that. i kissed her again, but then she started with her tongue, which i don't like, so i shook my head until she stopped. ‘jessica, jessica. what are you doing? you don't want to finish the movie?’
she laughed again. ‘well, we've both seen it, like, a hundred times,’ she said, rolling her eyes. she reached out and closed the laptop. ‘let's do something else tonight.’ she put her arms around me, even around my arms, so i couldn't really move, and kissed me again.
‘do you want to watch a different movie?’ i asked. just then i noticed that my feet were cold, and i couldn't breathe. i don't know if that meant i was excited or scared.
‘that's not what i meant,’ she replied. ‘henrie. that's not what i wanna do.’
‘oh. then what do you want to do?’
and we were doing it, and then in the middle of doing it, juliet and william came in, and that is why i don't bring my dates to the flat anymore.
— yeah no i'm going to be late to my date. good evening.
i go out the door.
jessica fell off the couch when they came in, and started laughing even though it wasn't funny. it wasn't funny at all.
william shut the lights. ‹ we're sorry! › he said. ‹ at least, i'm sorry! i'm sure — ›
‘shut up,’ i said, because i was mad, but i didn't know who or what i was mad about. i couldn't have been mad at jessica, because we were in love. i couldn't have been mad at william, because he didn't really do anything wrong. and i was already mad at juliet for a different reason, which wasn't this. actually maybe i was mad at jessica.
anyway i don't want to think about jessica.
then jessica said, ‘i thought you said they weren't going to be back this early?’
‘yes, i did say that,’ i replied breathlessly. i looked at william, who was not looking at us.
‹ why don't you ladies put some clothes on, › said juliet, too quickly for me to identify what kind of intonation he was using. he turned on the lights and floated past us without looking at anyone. ‹ good evening. ›
‘sorry,’ jessica said in his direction. she was still smiling.
‘don't apologise,’ i said. i sat up on the couch and held my hand out to help her up. jessica was still smiling. she handed me my boring grey underwear. sometimes i wish i had known that she didn't like the movie, so i could have worn more appropriate underwear, but she never told me until that night, and then she just went right on and had sex with me. i think i could have even liked it, if i had known it was going to happen. after all, she was beautiful, and she had very long fingers.
and anyway i don't want to think about jessica.
i'm on the first floor. how am i on the first floor? i guess it doesn't really matter how. i reach into my bag to check for my phone to check for the time.
fuck.
my phone is upstairs, in my bag, which is also upstairs. so i turn around and go back upstairs.
‘alright, i won't,’ said jessica.
but i really don't want to think about jessica.
i meet william on the third floor. he swooshes up to me from the end of the corridor, where the stairs are, as i walk out of the elevator.
‹ don't mind that guy, › he told jessica. ‹ he hasn't had a wink of sleep in twenty-eight years; he's cranky. ›
jessica smirked as she put her arms through the sleeves of her girlfriend's varsity jacket. ‘you must be the nice one. william?’
‹ and are you the much-beloved jessica? › he replied.
‘the one and only.’ jessica then turned to me. ‘hey, baby, i'll wait for you at the lobby. let's go get, like, cake and coffee, or something.’
« you forgot your bag, » william says. « robyn's on her way down to bring it to you. i hope you don't mind that she touched your stuff; we were afraid you'd leave the dorm without it, and i know you really don't like losing your phone. »
— that's very kind of you.
jessica went outside. i didn't get to see when because i was very focused on tying my shoelaces. when i looked up, she was gone, and she had taken her laptop with her.
‹ hey, › william said, sitting next to me. ‹ you seem awfully quiet. are you okay? hey, ›
« are you okay? » william asks. « you forgot your bag, and you're crying, and you got off on the wrong floor. »
— i'm not on the wrong floor. i'm where we live, on the third floor.
« you're on the second floor, henrie. and we live on the fourth. »
i feel tears on my cheeks.
— it's all so confusing, i say. what time is it? i need to know what time it is. i've got a date. i don't want to be late. and she's waiting for me in the lobby, we're going to get coffee.
« you don't even like coffee, henrie, » william says. « i think you need to sit down. »
i sit down on the floor.
— what time is it?
« i'm sorry, but i don't know exactly. »
— please, i need a hug.
« i'm sorry, henrie, but i'm a ghost. »
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