APPROXIMATELY, THOUGH NOT EQUAL TO, TWELVE HOURS EARLIER

"Hoooold up a sec." Spencer inhaled the air from his bong, which had somehow made its way through security. "Maybe you like Lily, but have you ever considered..." He paused and stared at the ground blankly, and dropped his voice to a whisper. "The Illuminati is real." Then he looked up again and stared at Jeremy. "What was I saying again?"

"Something about me liking Lily a-"

"Oh yeah." He paused, this time gathering his thoughts instead of losing them. "Have you ever considered that I like her too?"

"I said I loved her."

"Same thing." Spencer picked up Lily's hand and kissed it.

"Wait, what?" Lily pulled her hand away. "Guys, it's-"

A LITTLE BIT BEFORE THE PRESENT TIME

"So, Lily, have you chosen yet?"

"Jeez, guys. Give me some time to think!"

Lily was an accidental drug dealer, not someone who became part of unnecessary heterosexual love triangles! She didn't want to be part of this and the sooner she could get out of it, the better. Also? She didn't want to get married. She was only, like, 20! Lily ran up the stairs to her room and jumped face first onto her bed, not seeing her roommate on the bed next to her.

"Hermione!" An old man's voice came from her left. "Is that you?"

She looked up, finally seeing the old man across from her. His name was Clyde or something? Dominus Apis had told everyone last night.

"It's been a while!" Clyde got up slowly and went to hug her.

He fell over.

Lily stopped him as he fell and put him upright again. "I'm not H-"

"How's Ron doing?" Clyde interrupted.

Ugh. Now she would have to fake a relationship with a fictional character she didn't even like, and she'd have to get her story sorted.

Wait.

Relationship?

The idea struck Lily suddenly. She was going to get relationship advice from this demented old man, and it was a brilliant plan.

Well. Maybe it wasn't. But hey. There were two guys who both wanted to date her standing a little outside the door (she was pretending she couldn't see them, but they were there) and the only other person she could talk to was this old man.

Besides, if she mucked it up he'd forget in about five minutes anyway.

"Actually, me and Ron broke up."

"Oh, Hermione, that's terrible." Clyde hugged Lily, patting her back softly. It was kinda creepy, because he was an old man, but because he was an old man it wasn't really creepy because he had no ulterior intentions. Also, the guy thought he was Harry Potter.

Clyde stopped patting her and stepped back again. "Why?"

"It just..." She sighed, trying to sell her act. "...wasn't working out." Lily shugged and looked to Clyde. "But speaking of relationships." She explained the Spencer-and-Jeremy situation.

"Well, if I were you," Clyde advised. "I'd choose the one I loved."

"And if I don't love either of them? Or even want to marry either?"

"Then don't! Is it really that difficult?"

"Huh." Lily smiled. "Thanks, Clyde. Uh, Harry."

"That's..." Clyde looked confused. "...not my name."

"It's not?" Lily also looked confused.

"It's Katniss."

Sad, Dead and Linda stared at the array of food laid out on the kitchen table. In it was all the food they could ever want, all the food that they didn't get from the tiny fridge of the Way Out.

Dead squinted, trying to read a packet. "Is that-" He walked over.

Linda spotted a tub and ran over, reaching the table before Dead did. "Gluten free vegan ice cream!" She hugged the container, holding it up and letting the cold go through her face. He idea of ice cream was just...wonderful. It had been weeks since she last had anything good, because she had been arrested at the end of her 'only eat salad' week.

"Sad! Apple pie!" Dead held up the box. "There is apple pie here!"

"Guys, doesn't this seem a little suspicious? Particularly after the coffee machine, it all seems a little too convenient-"

"Come on, dude! When has pie ever been evil?" Dead cut himself large slice of pie and topped it with Linda's gluten free vegan ice cream™. Linda glared at him and grabbed her ice cream back.

Hermione looked up the moment the door opened. Standing in the doorway was Luke, Katniss' son, except he was six feet tall and had bulging muscles now.

"Luke! You've grown! Did you go to the gym?" Katniss asked with his old-man voice.

"Come on, Clyde, we're going to the pool." Luke's voice sounded deeper than Katniss remembered.

"You finally hit puberty!" Katniss exclaimed, clapping his hands together. "I'm so proud of you, son." Luke picked him up with those muscles he was finally using. "How is your lightsaber going?"

Luke slung Katniss over his shoulder and walked out of the room.

"Okay, got him." Dominus Apis dumped Clyde in front of Ashlee. He dropped to the ground like a weight. Clyde sat up. "You're carrying him to the pool. I can't take it anymore."

"But you're like. So strong and muscly."

"I wasn't talking about how heavy he is," Apis said through gritted teeth.

"Bazinga!" Clyde said, very loudly.

Ashlee wrapped her arms around Clyde's torso and lifted him uncomfortably. Clyde lifted off the ground, keeping his body stiff and straight.

"Primrose! My darling little sister!" Clyde twisted his body so he was half looking at Ashlee's face. "You're so strong now!"

Apis opened to door for Ashlee, who was struggling to maintain her balance and keep Clyde off the ground at the same time. They walked along the little stepping stone path and into the pool area. Ashlee let go of her grip, letting Clyde fall out of her arms. She bent over and tried to catch her breath.

Clyde rolled over to the edge of the pool. "Luke! Luke! We've come to Antarctica!"

"Uh. What?" Apis glanced over to Ashlee. She looked at the pool and gasped.

"The water is frozen!" Ashlee stepped over and put a hand in the 'water'. "Kind of."

"It can't be f-" Apis looked over. He let out a dejected sigh. "...why did I expect anything different?"

The pool was filled with hundreds of pointy ice cubes, not a drop of water in sight. Ashlee walked over and dipped her hand into the pool, taking a handful of ice for closer observation. "What the heckyroo?"

Apis looked over to the other side of the pool, where boxes labelled 'No-Melt-Ize™' in a fancy font were lined up haphazardly. Some still had open flaps, and some were tipped on the size so the Ize™ was spilling out into the 'pool'.

Apis sighed, grabbed Clyde's shirt collar and dragged him out of the pool. "Whoever designed this house must have been really, really weird."

Jeremy and Spencer had given up trying to get Lily's attention, and were sitting on different couches in the lounge room. Both were refusing to speak to each other.

Jeremy had given into his boredom and was reading a volume of Anthropomorphic Erotica. The book was still pristine, despite being a limited edition copy published hundreds of years ago. Filling each and every page was a vividly coloured anthropomorphic animal in a suggestive pose. It wasn't what Jeremy would usually like, but there was nothing else to do. Besides, he could appreciate that the art was good.

After a while, even the whispering subsided. It wasn't that hard to tune out.

Consuuuuuume...

Jeremy looked up to Spencer, who was lying back, eating a brownie.

"Where did you get that?"

"Brought it from home," Spencer said flatly, staring at his brownie like he loved it more than Lily.

He probably did, that faker. He only wanted to marry Lily to spite him.

But how had that guy slipped the brownies past security? His bong, which was currently lying next to him, was at least a meter long, and if they had seen that on them, there was no way they wouldn't search him properly.

Then again, security basically just consisted of some really bored guy staring at you for two minutes, then waving you on and shouting 'Next!" unenthusiastically. He probably wouldn't even have noticed – or cared – if somebody had brought in a gun.

The sight of Spencer eating made Jeremy hungry. Maybe he could get a brownie too? It never hurt to ask.

"Can I have one?"

Spencer giggled, still looking lovingly into the few crumbs of brownie left in his hand. "Only if you want to be stoned." He licked his hand somewhat sensually, taking every last crumb into his mouth.

"Ugh." Jeremy looked back to his book and flipped over the page. Oh. No. Oh god. What. What was that. Oh God. Jeremy didn't even want to describe it, for the fear that the image would stick in his mind. He slammed the book shut and threw it across the room.

The whispering became loud again, louder, louder, shouting, screaming, CONSUME, CONSUUUUME, C O N S U M E T H E A N T H R O P O M O R P H I C E R O T I C A.

"Hey Jeremy," Spencer said, Jeremy barely making out the words over the book's discontented screaming.

"What?" Jeremy shouted, trying to hear himself.

"Why are you shouting?"

"The book is screaming at me, I can't hear anything."

"Oh." Spencer picked up the book and drop kicked it into the library door. The screaming stopped. "I have a plan."

"Is it stupid?"

"We should prove ourselves to Lily."

"So...we compete for her affections." Jeremy stood up confidently. "That way, it will be easier to choose. Yes, I like this idea."

Jeremy, unlike this weed loving imbecile, had talent. Talent that Spencer would not be able to compete against in a hundred years.

This would be good. Lily would be his wife, and they would live happily together for the rest of their lives.