"Happy Snake Day! Happy Snake Day!" Linda rolled over to hit the alarm clock, but her bashing came to no avail. The loud noise was coming from elsewhere.

Marilyn opened her eyes, looked at the source of the noise (a small box in the corner of the room), threw her phone at the box, and pulled the cover over her head.

The noise stopped. Linda crawled out of bed. Marilyn's phone had destroyed the box, and it was still perfectly intact. She picked up Marilyn's phone, placed it next to Marilyn's bed, and stepped up to the door.

What even was Snake Day?

Linda's question was answered the moment she opened the door.

Live snakes of every colour swarmed the floor, writing and slithering on the banisters. Some were green. Some were red. Some were blue.

Some were black, glowing, semi-translucent, covered in sludge, and sliding along the roof.

Linda shut the door quickly and pressed her back against it so nobody would open it. Marilyn pulled the covers from her head and sat up.

"Mornin'," she said, rubbing her eyes.

"Good morning."

Marilyn rolled out of bed and walked towards the door. "Why are you standing in front of the door?" She reached for the handle, but Linda pushed her hand away.

"Snake. Day."

Dead was woken by his brother's screams. Sad was lying on the ground, green snakes covering his body. When the green snakes finished consuming Sad, they slid off his bones and were consumed by red snakes. A red snake eyed Dead.

He crawled up on to his bed in preparation for attack.

The red snakes just slithered out of the room. Translucent snakes crawled on to Sad's body and began to use it as a playground.

Dead curled up on his bed and watched as two snakes did monkey bars in Sad's ribcage.

"Dead Beanchester at 9:43 AM," Dominus Apis read in a monotone. "The green nakeds are carnivorous, this is not a drill, all caps, exclamation mark exclamation mark exclamation mark." Dominus stared up at Spencer. "Green nakeds?"

Spencer had to jump to look out their door window. "I think he means snakes. They are everywhere."

Dominus lifted Spencer so he could see out easily. He was at least half a foot shorter than Dominus, who could see out the door easily. They stared out to the hallway until a black roof-snake slid across and left a trail of black sludge dripping down the window.

"Hermione! Hermione! You-Know-Who is back!" Clyde stomped on a snake that had slid under the door.

Lily hid under her blankets, screaming like someone who had just been subjected to an unexpected jumpscare.

Why did it have to be snakes? Spiders, scorpions, bees...they were all fine with her. But snakes? Those fork-tongued scaly bastards with long noodly bodies.

She shuddered. Snakes were worse than dogs. Everything about them was horrible. Dogs had a few redeeming qualities, most of them things that they shared with cats.

Snakes had no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

A group of snakes floated past, a six foot five skeleton on their backs. Dead was running after them.

Lily pulled the covers over her head. She was not leaving this room today.

"By the looks of it, the green ones are hostile, the red ones eat the green ones-"

Marilyn typed the information into the House's network feed as Linda observed the snakes.

"The blue ones eat the red ones, but only if the red one has already eaten a green one. The black snakes float along the roof and leave sludge everywhere. I don't know if the sludge is poisonous, but other than that, the black ones don't appear to be hostile. I haven't observed anything special about the other colours."

"That it?" Linda nodded and Marilyn pressed the button to send it. "Now what?"

"Well, I think we should just wait until the snakes leave-" As soon as Linda said it, a green snake ate a hole in the door and headed towards Linda's bed- "Abort plan! Abort!"

Linda started to scream as the snake ate the leg of her bed, but then she stopped screaming. Reptiles had been a longtime interest of hers, and now was a great chance to study one up close.

Linda grabbed its tail and held it in the air, letting it flail around and attempt to bite her. "Hmm, quite-"

The snake wriggled out of her hand and dropped to the floor. A red snake poked its head through the hole in the door and began to eye the green snake. The green snake had bolted before the red one could even open its mouth. Linda stepped off her bed.

"We aren't going to have to spend all day in here, are we?" Marilyn asked. Linda ignored her and jumped onto the red snake, grabbing its tail.

"I have an idea," Linda said, dangling the snake by its tail.

Ashlee burst out the door when she saw Marilyn and Linda walk past.

"Guys! Guys! Can I come with you?"

Linda shot a glance at Marilyn, who shrugged. "If you can get your hands on a red snake, sure."

Marilyn had a red snake on each of her arms, one on her left leg, and one crawling through her hair. Linda had two snakes on her shoulders, a few in her sleeves and one poking out the bottom of her pant leg.

Ashlee reached out and petted a red snake. She made an attempt to pick it up, but it slipped out of her hand.

"Marilyn, we don't have time for-"

"We have plenty of time." She plucked a snake from her left arm and handed it to Ashlee. "But be fast because if the green snakes notice you, you'll be dead in seconds."

"Okie," Ashlee said. She closed the door so Anon wouldn't get P'd off. They were so grumpy, and she'd be kicked out of the room in ten seconds.

Then again, if they were dead, there wouldn't be anyone to kick her out.

"That's actually a pretty good idea."

Dominus dropped Spencer back to the floor. "It would be if the number of red snakes was larger."

Spencer shrugged. "There's enough for one of us. Later." He grabbed a red snake as it passed their door. A green snake reached for his leg, but froze when it saw Spencer was holding the red snake.

Hermione screamed when the door opened. Romeo was standing there with a floppy red wand.

"Get that thing away from me!" Hermione pulled the blanket over her head again.

"Chill. It's safe," Romeo said as the wand opened its mouth and bit his hand. "The red ones are friendly." He shook his hand, but the wand held on. He shrugged and turned to Hermione. "Can I sit down?"

"If you get rid of that friggin snake!!"

Romeo sat down on Hermione's bed. Wait a moment. Did that mean-

"Hermione? Romeo? Dating? In love?" Sherlock clapped his hands together. "Well I never!"

"No, we're not in love-" Hermione protested, but Sherlock could see it. They were meant for each other.

He grinned. "There's no need to deny it."

"You got us all wrong, man," Romeo said. "We've only known each other for a few days." He leant back and put an arm around Hermione.

"Though that didn't stop Jeremy," Hermione muttered under her breath.

"Anyway, old man, we would like some...alone time." Romeo wiggled his eyebrows. "If you know what I mean."

"Like...solving a case?"

"Yeah, except with more making out and scissors-paper-rock."

"Of course!" Sherlock put his hands over his eyes. "Is this good enough for you?"

"Sure, why not."

Before Romeo and Hermione could start solving their case, there was a knock at the door. Standing there, floppy wand in hand and nothing but a pair of bee-print boxers, was Luke.

"Luke!"

Clyde jumped up, or something like that. He was an energetic old man, but an old man all the same. "Thank you for taking me to Antarctica yesterday."

"Oh." Apis stood there awkwardly as Clyde hugged him so hard he started to cough. "Uh. Yep."

Help me, he mouthed, pleading with his hands, begging Spencer and Lily to pull the old man off. Please help me.

Spencer just watched him and giggled.

"Okay, uh. Dad, let's leave these two to, uh..." He tried to find a non-explicit word to tell Clyde.

"Solve a case," Lily finished.

"Yeah. Solve a case," Apis said as he walked out with Clyde wrapped around his stomach. As he left, he heard the last of their conversation.

"Lily, I'm about to ask you the most intimate question ever asked." There was a pause. "What is your favourite colour?"

There was screeching, shouting in lost tongues, and crashing from the bathroom before the door creaked open. Marilyn crawled out, hair slightly singed at the ends, and waved Ashlee and Linda inside.

Linda stepped in cautiously and stepped on something wet and sticky. Was that-

She took another step and almost slipped in the pool of probably-blood. Ashlee caught her and pushed her upright.

"So, Gül'lcra'agg has agreed to stand down, provided that we let it keep John's body, and any other victims it...takes. It will wait outside and eat any of the snakes that come past."

"What the cupcake is a 'goorlegrahg'?" Ashlee asked.

"Um...that thing?" Linda pointed to the shower curtain. A tentacle hung over the top as a conical shadow moved behind it.

"Yeah. Stop looking at it, otherwise you'll end up like John over here." Marilyn pointed to John's corpse, which was hanging out of the bathtub, growing a coat of moss and flowers.

Gül'lcra'agg left its home through the wall, pulling Dead Human's corpse behind it. First Human had asked it to leave the 'bathroom', which was what First Human called Gül'lcra'agg's home, and it didn't want to, so it threw around some bottles, and they shouted at it, then it shouted at them, and then that made a thing set on fire, so they both put out the fire, and then Gül'lcra'agg apologised and let Human and their friends in. Now there were three humans in its house and they were all ding the thing where they communicated with each other, so that meant it was time for Gül'lcra'agg to leave.

First Human was always so mean, trying to steal Dead Human's body from it and thinking it wouldn't notice. Gül'lcra'agg was smart. It knew that First Human wanted the body back.

Well, too bad. If they wanted one so much, they could get it themselves.

Othilli lay stretched out on a beach. Even though being in the House was tons of fun, it wasn't going to refuse a holiday when it was offered one. Its superiors had suggested a trip to the beach, far, far away from the house, and far away from its favourite human, so it didn't have to worry. How nice of them! Othilli had taken that particular suggestion onboard.

Still, it couldn't help but worry about Favourite. Favourite had an...affinity for dying. What would happen to Favourite if Othilli wasn't there?

Othilli ignored its worries and tried to enjoy itself at the beach. Besides-

How often could one human die?

Dead rolled over on his bed, He had tried everything. Satan, Othilli, nothing he could think of was working.

"Come on, Sad, you can't be dead. Not really," he said to the skeleton, which the snakes had since returned to his room. They hadn't completely given it over, though, and were still playing around in it.

His alarm started to go off, even though he hadn't set it. The familiar crackling of the intercom came from the box.

"Guess what?" The DM asked. " I am so frickin' bored of you lying around like a useless sack of potatoes. Do you want a challenge?"

Dead sat up, rubbing his face. "Leave me alone, I don't want to deal with your sh-"

"You don't even know what it is!" they protested.

"Well," he glared at the alarm like the camera was there. "I know that it will suck, just like every other friggin' thing in this house."

"What if I told you-" they smiled, but Dead couldn't see it- "that it will help bring back your brother?"

Dead jumped out of bed, ignoring all the snakes he had just gained the attention of. "I'll do it!"

"Oh my gosh. I'm gonna give you both a makeover!" Ashlee pulled several containers and objects from the bottom cupboard. They looked more like instruments of torture than makeup. "There's so much here!"

Ashlee opened a container and promptly began to cover Marilyn's face with the powder. "You're gonna look so pretty!"

"I'm pretty already," Marilyn argued, but she stayed in the same place.

Linda had retreated into the furthest corner of the room. She didn't want her face coated in that trash. They tested it on animals.

Ashlee turned Marilyn around so she could see herself in the mirror, then flipped her around for Linda to see. "Doesn't she look great?" She sat Marilyn down on the floor. "Your turn now, Lin!"

Lin? Lin?!

"Never. Call. Me. That. Again," she hissed.

Marilyn had originally planned to remove everything when she had finished being Ashlee's victim, but now, she had to admit, it looked good.

Ashlee had finally convinced Linda to be her guinea pig after checking that each bottle was completely vegan and cruelty-free. Linda now sat with her arms crossed on the floor while Ashlee painted her face with...whatever that stuff was.

"How long have you been doing this for?" Linda asked between brushes.

"Mommy taught me when I was four."

Marilyn tried to ignore the fact that Ashlee still called her mother 'mommy'. There was nothing wrong with that, it was just a word...

Argh. Marilyn didn't want to go back to hating Ashlee, but her Resentment Meter had just risen from that one word, and she was back to bordering on 'acquaintance' again.

Linda, on the other hand, still hated Ashlee with everything she had. She hated Ashlee's voice. How loud she was. How excitable she was. How friendly she was. The fact that she played the air guitar whenever she listened to a song with guitar in it.

That fact that she was so much better at cooking than Linda had ever been.

Okay. The other things she had said were pretty mean, she would admit that.

But was it such a crime to be bitter?

"And that's...all I have to do?" Dead asked the DM.

"Of course. We wouldn't make anything needlessly hard for our dear inmates."

The intercom cut off, and Dead swore he could hear the beginning of hysterical laughter. It didn't matter. He had to save Sad.