"Hey, Sad. Look at this clock."

On their bedside table laid a clock. Its digits were lit up in red.

"It's just a clock."

"It ticks backwards!" Dead threw the clock in the air and caught it. "I'm gonna take this downstairs and show everyone."

The clock just kept ticking. 5:59:48. 5:59:47. 5:59:46.

"I want you to listen carefully, son. This is the story of how I met your mother."

Dominus Apis sighed and tried to appear enthusiastic. "Sure. I'm listening."

Clyde sat forward in his armchair. "So it started out in a pub. Nice night of drinking, Irish music, salad... Me n' my mates were just chillin' and then..." Clyde's face contorted in confusion. "I think we ate some bad salad or something? Anyway, next thing I know, I've got some magic beans in my hand and there's a hole in the ground."

Jack leant back and stared dreamily into the sky. Was this really the first time he had told Luke about this? Eh. It didn't matter.

"And then I put the beans into the ground. Suddenly, a huge stalk grew out of the ground and I climbed up. I found myself in this kingdom in the clouds! And while I was walking through the clouds, trying to work out where I was, I was swallowed whole by a wolf."

Dead rushed down to the kitchen. Lily and Spencer were sitting there taking turns to pour cereal straight from the bag into their mouths. A faint cloud of smoke floated above them.

Dead dropped the clock on the table. "Guys! Guys! This clock ticks backwards!"

Lily pushed her seat back. If this thing was going to explode, it was going to explode away from her.

"And, uh, you're sure it's not a bomb?"

"No! It's a clock, uh." He pointed to Spencer. "What's your name?"

"Spencer."

"Okay, Spencer. It is 100% definitely, absolutely a clock." Dead swiped the clock from the table and headed into the lounge.

Anon slid down the bannister. Hell yes, pony marathon, continued, all day, uninterrupted-

"And then she cut the wolf open with a chainsaw, freed me and seven other people, and cleaned the chainsaw. And that, Luke, is how I met your mother."

"Padme?"

"Who's that?" Clyde shook his head. "Don't be silly son, your mother's name is Mary."

Did this mean bad things for the ponies? This was bad. Anon needed to get them out of the common room.

"You're starting dinner already?"

Marilyn walked into the kitchen, yawning. Ashlee was standing at the counter, already covered in flour. She nodded.

"Nobody else is going to do it. I'm making pizza."

Marilyn sat at the table with a bowl of cereal. "Cool. What ones you planning on making?"

"Well I was thinking I'd do a-"

The next thirty words sounded like gibberish to Marilyn. She doubted they were English. Half of them could be passed off as the language of eldritch abominations.

"-and supreme."

"Can you make one with garlic and cheese?" Marilyn asked.

"And what else?"

"Garlic and cheese."

"Garlic and cheese?"

"Garlic and cheese."

"I wonder why it does this." Dead placed the clock on the common room table. "Any ideas?"

Spencer and Lily had followed him in. Neither had anything better to do.

Lily shrugged. Maybe Dead was more of a nut than she had thought.

"Maybe... something will happen when it reaches zero." Spencer looked – and sounded – like he hadn't slept in four days, but maybe that was because he was stoned.

"Maybe it's an elaborate prank by the DM and nothing will happen when it reaches zero," Sad pointed out.

The clock just kept ticking backwards. 3:00:00. 2:59:59. 2:59:58.

"My brother was dead, so I agreed to go to this weird planet. And everyone there was a complete dick, but then I became a blue alien and pissed off a huge beetle thing, and then I met some alien girl and fell in love, and then the humans destroyed half the planet with some huge war an- wait, if that happened..." Clyde looked down at his hands and wiggled his fingers around, mumbling something Apis couldn't hear.

What surprised Apis was not that Clyde thought he had lived Avatar, but the fact that he could watch and remember the entire thing.

"Ah, that's right! After that, I left her there and came back home. But I was in the middle of nowhere, so I looked for refuge. And then I found a tall tower, and there was a girl with really long hair, and then something happened, and then she told me to 'f**k off' but I didn't and then after trying to convince her for a really long time, she let me into her tower and we killed her evil stepmother."

Clyde, for an old man who couldn't even remember his own name, remembered a surprisingly large range of stories.

If only he could remember anything that was actually useful.

"Dad-" Yes, he was still calling Clyde 'dad', shut up- "Why are you here? In this house?"

Clyde stopped talking and didn't start again.

And then he did.

"Okay. If you promise not to tell anyone." Clyde's voice had a seriousness in it that Apis hadn't heard before. He nodded solemnly.

"I'm Batman."

"It's the best type of pizza!"

"It has no substance! No blending of flavours!" Ashlee screeched.

"It tastes good!"

"It has no texture! No interest! It's just garlic and cheese!"

"And that's what makes it so nice!" Marilyn crossed her arms. "If you can't accept that garlic and cheese is the best pizza existing, then maybe we shouldn't be friends." Marilyn wasn't sure if she really considered Ashlee a friend but she needed to get her point across. She turned away from Ashlee and stormed out of the room.

Ashlee angrily kneaded the dough. Garlic and cheese pizza? How dare she.

You know what? Ashlee was going to make a garlic and cheese pizza and she would eat it to prove how bad it was. Then Marilyn would change her mind about her favourite pizza and they could be besties.

Just garlic. Just cheese.

Disgusting.

"Guys! Guys!" Dead pointed to the clock. "30 seconds left!"

Sad came closer to the clock. All six hours of waiting was coming to a close. He stared at the timer.

24. 23. 22.

He didn't notice the worried looks Linda was giving Lily, or the gestures Spencer was using to tell everyone to get the hell out of there.

10. 9.

The door shut. Sad and Dead were alone in the room.

Anon was watching their favourite part of the episode when they heard an explosion, the sound of a hand hitting another hand and victorious screams of "FINALLY!" "YES!" and "I THINK THEY'RE DEAD! BOTH OF THEM!"

The girl who had been spending half of her time in the kitchen came running out.

"What the H-E-double hockey sticks happened?"

"Sad and Dead are dead!"

Linda (The Vegan) opened the door. A cloud of smoke and ash floated out.

"I have not seen many dead things (because I'm a vegan), but if you ask me they are both very, very dead."

Ashlee ran in to see. "Yes! Now I only have to make eight pizzas!" She looked at the burnt bodies of Sad and Dead and coughed. "I mean. It's. Terrible. That they're both dead. It's a... uh... tragedy."

"When have Sad and Dead ever stayed dead?" Spencer asked. "They have been revived basically every day. Every day."

"But maybe if they're both dead, they won't come back to-" Ashlee stopped herself again. "I mean, it would be wonderful because of this tragedy that has-"

"Ashlee. Honestly." Lily slapped her back. "Nobody likes them. It's okay that you want them to stay dead, because we all do too."

The inmates' hopes were short lived as a glowing light surrounded Sad and Dead no sooner than two seconds after Lily spoke.

Dead sat up.

"What'd I miss?"

"FUDGIE!"

Clyde clutched his chest and coughed. The loud noises must have startled him.

"It's okay, Dad, it's just some explosions and shou-"

"Son, I think I'm about to die." Clyde stood up straight and fell straight over.

"Dad!"

Clyde held his arms out dramatically.

"I left a million dollars under the... th..."

His eyes closed.

"Dammit, Clyde."

Ashlee bit into the garlic and cheese pizza. It actually... wasn't terrible.

"See? See, you like it I knew it!" Marilyn shouted. "Accept your defeat!"

"Fine. But you should try a piece of any other one."

On the other side of the table, Dominus Apis was deciding whether he should cry or celebrate his newfound freedom. Currently he felt nothing so obviously the world wanted him to choose.

Next to Apis, Dead was mourning the loss of his backwards clock.

"You know, Dead, it was actually a bomb."

"Shut up, Sad."

END OF DAY 5