Linda was still on the table when the morning came. She sat up from where she had been sleeping.

The lava now reached three-quarters of the way up the table's legs, and it was still rising.

Or the table was burning. She wasn't sure.

The intercom crackled to life.

"Oh yeah, we're getting married in-" They pressed a button- "George! I told you to wait!" The DM sighed. "Yes, mother, I know- goodbye, mother." They groaned, and the phone beeped to signal they had hung up. They coughed awkwardly. "Anyway. It has come to our attention that the house is full of lava. Luckily, everyone is in their rooms."

Linda cleared her throat.

"Shit. Everyone is in their rooms, except Linda."

"No, it's okay!" Linda shouted sarcastically. "Just forget about me, leave me to die!" She folded her arms.

"Well, it will make Placeholder Name happy, I'll get a pay raise-"

Linda wasn't sure if they were ignoring her sarcasm or if they hadn't noticed it. She folded her arms in a more exaggerated way and paired it with a death glare at the cameras.

The DM sighed. "Right, fine, we'll work something out in a moment."

"Take your bloody time, I have as long as I need!" Linda shouted, pointing to the lava rising slowly up the table's legs.

"Jeez, cut the sass, you're not the one with someone's life in your hands!"

"People die every day in this house!"

The DM shrieked into the microphone like a pterodactyl and the intercom cut off. Linda sighed and sat down on the table, pulling her phone out of her pocket. She was not going to survive this.

A pair of slippers appeared on the table and the intercom came on again. Linda picked up the slippers.

"Lava-proof, waterproof and grant the ability to talk to the eldritch abominations! Probably. Yours now for only ten milli-"

Linda held them in the air.

"George, we were only supposed to show a-" They groaned- "whatever. Yours now for zero money dollars and zero cents."

Linda inspected the slippers. They were fluffy and...woolly. She turned them over and looked at the sole.

100% authentic sheep's wool.

"Oh! Oh yeah, right. I asked Placeholder Name, and they said we can only save you if you stop being a vegan, so-"

Linda threw the slippers across the kitchen, switched on her phone, sent off the message she had typed, threw the phone, landing it perfectly in the slippers, and- hell, may as well make it more dramatic – jumped straight into the lava.

"Born a vegan, dying a vegan?" Lily read. "What the heck?"

Spencer bit into a brownie and shrugged. Somehow he still had brownies left, despite having not touched the oven in the past six days, and eating brownies at a rate of about three a day.

"Oh wait, there's more." Lily read through the long, long message that Linda had written, skipping through half of it and still understanding the general idea. It was more like a biography in the form of a suicide note. Some of it was like a long, overdescriptive novel, dragging on way longer than it needed to. You know the ones. "Long story short she killed herself because if she doesn't do it now, she's going to die anyway." Lily switched off her phone and tossed it on the bed. "Seems fair."

Everyone filed into the room where they had been keeping Clyde's body. A ­funeral invitation had been sent out via Twitter, and with the floor covered in lava, there was only so much they could do to pass the time.

Dominus Apis stood in a corner, silently weeping. If, by 'silent' you mean the sound of exactly four hundred and seventeen trumpeting elephants, and by 'weeping' you mean 'bawling your eyes out'. Apis had finally decided on an emotion, and that was sadness.

He pulled a short speech from his pocket and began rehearsing it in his head, wiping his eyes every few seconds. After a few sentences, he started bawling again.

When everybody was inside the room, sitting on the floor, he walked to the front of the room, in between the two beds.

"We are-" He sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve- "gathered here today to celebrate the life of Clyde-" Wait. What was Clyde's last name? "Clyde, uh, Skywalker." He glanced down at the paper. It didn't have anything that could help him out, it was just a few brief notes on the structure of the speech. "He was born-" He really did not know much about his not-father- "a long time ago. He came here probably because of drug dealing..." Apis sniffled. "And he died doing. Something. Hopefully what he loved. So to you, Dad-" he placed a hand on the blanket covering Clyde's body- "I say goodbye."

Apis watched, sobbing, as Spencer and Lily picket up Clyde and the blanket covering his body, and tossed it ungraciously into the lava. When they finished, they dusted off their hands and high fived each other.

Dead wiped his face with a tissue and shared a manly bro hug with Apis. "Stay strong, man." He pulled away and smiled at Apis. "For all of us."

Spencer walked back in to the now-lacking-a-dead-body room and a plan hatched in his mind. Sad always came back to life, always, so it wouldn't matter if he died.

And even if he did die everyone wanted him dead anyway, soooo...

"Yo, Sad! How's it hangin', bro?" Spencer did finger guns at Sad. "Love your hair, b-t-dubs." This was definitely going to work, because Sad loved his hair and the best way to get him to do anything was to compliment his hair. He didn't even need to fake it, Sad's hair was luscious and beautiful. "You wanna help me with something super useful?" Seriously, man, that hair was...as soft as the cloud that hangs in the air after you've been vaping. It was also softer than Lily's hair, which was pretty damn soft, because Lily spent like fifty bucks on a bottle of shampoo. Anyway. On subject. The plan.

"Uh-" Sad raised an eyebrow- "what do-"

"I am so glad you think the same way, man-bro-man!" Maybe he hadn't planned this out as well as he thought he had. "My bro, my man, what you're gonna do is build a path across the lava using those there books, go to the table, get the slippers, and bring 'em back here."

"I don't think this is entirely sa-"

"Great!" Spencer slapped Sad's back for positive reinforcement. "Thanks, bud."

Sad did not know what he had just agreed to, or not agreed to as the case may be, but Spencer just seemed so happy and enthusiastic about it, and Sad didn't want to disappoint him.

Also, Spencer had complimented his hair. How could he turn him down after that? Sad lugged the books to the foot of the stairs and began tossing them out into the lava to form a path.

The books floated on the top, unbothered by the laws of reality. They did not burn, or sizzle, or even singe in the slightest. They just floated on top of the lava, no ill effect to them.

READ, the books whispered to Sad. DEVOUR. CONSU-

Sad stepped on the first book. The whispering stopped, and turned into a sort of mopey teenagery mumble-grumbling. The book did not sink, and stayed fixed in place like a stepping stone, rather than something floating.

Sad stepped across the books from the common room and into the kitchen, where the kitchen table had been hours before. It had now sunk into the lava, leaving only the slippers floating on top with Linda's phone inside them. They glowed gold, made of 100% lava-proof waterproof merino wool. Sad picked them up carefully, making sure not to touch the lava. He turned around and started to head back. The books were still stable, so it would be safe to run, right? Sad ran across the books and jumped, practicing his parkour and jumping majestically.

One of the books underneath his feet sank. Oh no. That was not good.

Sad knew he wasn't going to survive this, he was already burning and all the books had started to sink. With his last moments, in a feat of bravery/not really bravery because he was going to come back to life, he threw the slippers and the phone to Spencer, who was waiting at the staircase. He slipped into the lava and met his burning, yet temporary, fate.

Dead watched as Sad fell into the lava with his signature bitchface. Sad was dying, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Apis hugged Dead, sobbing quieter now. "We both know what it's like to lose someone."

Despite the fact that his face was almost dry and that was a good achievement, Apis burst into tears again, and Dead soon followed suit. One crying for the loss of someone who would never return, and one for the pain of losing someone again and again, knowing he will come back to life, but also, that his life would inevitably end once more. Apis and Dead shared a manly bro hug, except less stereotypically masculine and with more sharing of feelings and crying.

"I- just-" Dead sniffled, trying not to burst into tears again- "He's my little brother, but I can never protect him..."

"Clyde...he was such a nice father, and-" Apis wiped his face. "And I never even told him!!!"

Ashlee watched the boys cry from the safety of her own room. She was getting sick of this. If the kitchen was filled with lava, and all everyone else was going to do was sit and cry, what was she going to do? Ashlee picked up Anon's computer, which had reappeared on their bed that morning. On their desktop was a folder titled 'movies'. Inside the folder was another folder titled 'do not open u wil trigger me'. She rolled her eyes and opened it. There were two folders inside, one titled 'TRIGGERED' and the other titled 'I HATE SJWS'.

Ashlee opened the folder called 'TRIGGERED'. It had several hundred .mp4 files, all named pony_ with a number after it. Ashlee stared in disgust at the folder for a few seconds, then looked at the other folder. Inside it was a selection of famous movies, mostly sappy romantic comedies aimed at women. To be fair, Ashlee couldn't make fun of them for liking movies aimed at women, because she weren't sure what Anon even was because they had never taken off their hood. Ashlee didn't even know if Anon had a face, let alone a gender.

As she browsed through the movies, a plan hatched in her mind like a baby duckling ready to console two crying, grown men. Ashlee was not very good at similes.

Ashlee poked her head out the door and looked at Apis and Dead. "Hey guys," she said, pointing to the laptop. "Wanna watch a movie?"

Marilyn followed Dead into Ashlee's room. There was nothing better to do, and the last time she had checked what Spencer was doing, he had been trying to convince Lily to make out. Or. What was it that they were still calling it? 'Solving a case'.

Dead was sitting with the computer in his lap, face still red from crying, with a tissue up his nose. Apis looked similar to Dead, but he still had tears streaming down his face. Then again it could be related to the movie they were about to watch.

Marilyn sighed and sat down next to them. Oh well, not like she had anything better to do.

An hour passed, and she gave up trying to watch the movie. They had decided to watch Titanic, and Dead had started crying again. His loud sobbing drowned out the words of the movie, and she had no idea what was happening. Or any interest in it, really, romance movies weren't her thing.

"I thought-" he sobbed. "I thought we were watching the movie to feel better!"

"Don't go, Jack, don't go," Apis cried.

And that was it, she was out, she could not take another second of this terrible movie. Marilyn stood up and walked out. Gül'lcra'agg was a much better conversation partner than these guys.

Sad knew he had died. He knew where he was.

He knew he was huddled in the corner of the bathroom, inches away from an eldritch abomination that would implode his organs if he moved. He was leaning against the bathtub, and he could feel its...glow hovering behind him.

He could not confirm this because he wanted to stay alive and not die thank you very much.

The door opened. He shut his eyes further, because if he saw anything, he would die.

Something shook him.

Oh god oh god oh god oh god, he was going to die. Again.

"Oh for Nyarlathotep's sake."

Sad could no longer feel the lingering abomination's aura. It was safe to lift his head now.

But he didn't, in the slightly very large chance that it came back.

"Your brother is watching the Titanic and crying with the dead old man's 'son'. Go in there before he abandons any more of his dignity."

Spencer slipped on his slippers and stepped into – oh, okay, onto – the lava. Lily watched him from the staircase.

"Can you get me something to eat while you're test-driving your slippers?"

"Sure." Spencer walked over to the kitchen, which was surprisingly unharmed by the lava inside it. He opened it.

Empty.

He opened the cupboard.

Empty.

The other cupboard.

Empty.

The fridge.

Empty, save for a box of mac and cheese (minus one sachet) and several long vegetables.

He loaded it into his arms and carried it back to the stairs. He dumped it at the top of the staircase and kicked off the slippers.

"Who wants dinner?"

END OF DAY SEVEN