The house was silent. No lava, robots, usurping assistants, bees, dark lords of Hell, or snakes.

...it was suspiciously quiet. Maybe George had usurped again.

"And you're sure he's dead." Dead was in denial of the fate of his kind-of-bro/saviour, Dominus Apis.

"He was pretty dead, Dead." Marilyn sighed. "But if you want to know, you can go and check yourself."

Sad and Dead headed out to the frozen pool where, much to Dead's dismay, Apis' body lay next to the others.

Well, that was a shame. Dead would have liked to talk to him again, after that thing where he spent the entirety of yesterday zoned out and oblivious to the world.

"Dead?"

He would miss Apis. He was a cool guy. But such was the way of the Way Out.

"Dead, there are only three bodies here-"

"Sad! Can't you see I'm having a moment here?" Dead folded his arms and began to leave.

"Dead, there should be-"

Something pushed Dead over. That something sunk fangs into his neck. It was biting him? Oh, no. Not here.

"Vampires, Sad!" he shouted. "Run!"

Marilyn checked the time. It should not take an hour to check the body dump and come back. What where they doing? She left Lily to her phone and went outside.

The door to the pool had been left open, and leaking out from inside was a pool of – was that blood? Please don't be blood.

Nope, that's blood.

Marilyn ran inside the pool room and wished she could be surprised at what she saw, but really, she couldn't.

Ashlee, who, up until today, had been one-hundred-percent dead, was gnawing on one of Dead's arms, picking the bone clean. His blood covered her hands, face, and torn clothing.

Linda was huddled on the wall next to her, mumbling 'I'm a vegan, I'm a vegan' over and over again.

"Uh...Ashlee?"

Ashlee dropped Dead's arm and looked up. Her eyes opened wide, either from fear or excitement. There was a pause.

"Marilyn!" she then screeched. "You're still alive!" Excitement. Definitely excitement. Ashleee jumped up and squeezed Marilyn in the biggest hug she'd ever had in her life.

Linda looked up and breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh thank God, I'm not going to be stuck with this nut for the rest of my life."

Marilyn awkwardly hugged Ashlee back for a moment before pushing her away. "Are you guys...vampires?"

Ashlee looked behind her to the eviscerated bodies of Sad and Dead, then looked to her hands, back to Marilyn, and shrugged. "Maybe?" she said. "But it's not like we're experts, we've only been undead for like half an hour."

"You – you just ate him!" Linda shouted. "I am one hundred percent sure that we are vampires, and I, personally, am being punished for doing the right thing like not murdering living beings and insulting Pla-"

"You just killed Sad!" Ashlee protested, cutting Linda off just in time.

"Don't remind me," she hissed.

"Alright, guys." Marilyn clapped her hands together. "Let's get back inside, get you cleaned up, and consult the computer for information. Knowing Anon's crappy taste, there's probably something about vampires on their computer."

Ashlee and Linda glanced at each other and nodded.

Lily looked up from her phone to see Marilyn was gone now, too. Maybe she should go check? She didn't really want to be left along in here for much longer.

As she was about to stand up, the back door opened. Somebody walked in.

"So, who else is alive?"

Wait, what? Ashlee? She died a few days ago, what was she doing alive?

"Well, it's just me and Lily. And Sad and Dead, when they inevitably come back to life." Marilyn walked into the loungeroom. "Hey, Lily."

"Yo." She did a finger gun at Marilyn. "What happened to Sad and Dead?"

"Oh, they died. But they'll be back soon enough."

As if on cue, the back door slammed shut and angry voices filled the house.

"Speak of the devil," Marilyn groaned. "Or, the devil's best enemy."

"Vampires? In this house?" Dead's voice came closer as they walked in.

"It's more likely than you think," Sad sighed.

The brothers walked into their loungeroom and stopped dead in their tracks when they saw Linda and Ashlee.

"Okay, what the hell happened?" Dead asked angrily.

"I'm a vampire, Linda's a vegan, and you're alive again," said Ashlee.

"So you are vampires!"

"Yeah! We killed you, remember, sillyhead?"

"Don't remind me!" Dead and Linda shouted at the same time.

Ashlee ignored them and turned to Sad. "Sorry for killing you. Twice. It was an accident, I swear."

"Hey!" Dead, who had been doing a lot of shouting, shouted. "What about me?"

"You only died once," Ashlee pointed out. "And that wasn't really an accident anywho."

"What does that mean!?"

Ashlee shrugged.

Lily was still trying to come to terms with the Ashlee-and-Linda-are-vampires situation (they were dead! And now they're back, and they're not dead, and Linda was pretty definitely dead, she burned to death in lava?) when Sad and Dead pulled her aside.

"What are you-"

"Shh," whispered Sad. "We need to talk."

They dragged her into the lounge room and sat her down.

"So." Dead took a seat opposite Lily. "Did you know about the existence of vampires before this?"

"I guess, yeah."

"Well." Sad and Dead looked at each other, confused. "That makes our job a whole lot easier."

"...your job?" Oh right. These were the guys who knew an unnaturally large amount about the supernatural.

"We might have to...kill Ashlee and Linda. Again."

"We what?!" Lily shook her head. "I'm not being responsible for anyone else's death. Ever."

"We may have to." Sad looked at her sympathetically. "Vampires will often get to the point where they can't control themselves anymore, and when that happens..."

"...it'll be you or them," Dead finished. After a moment of silence and avoiding eye contact, he jumped up enthusiastically. "Anyway, there are many ways you can kill vampires. Machetes, decapitation, impalation, sunlight, silver..."

"My preferred method is using a silver machete to cut their heads off!" Sad, too, jumped up enthusiastically. "Guaranteed to work."

Lily realised that for the first time in this house, they were in their zone.

And also nuts.

They were nuts.

Othilli felt happy, or something like that. 'Happy' was the emotion humans felt when something good happened to them, right?

It had just been officially assigned to the bathroom next to Dead, its favourite human!

The news was about to be announced to the humans! They probably wouldn't be 'happy' about that, maybe they would be 'sad'...but Othilli would be as friendly as possible! Othilli didn't want to hurt the humans. It just wanted to be friends.

Maybe some of the humans would want to be friends too.

"...what?" Marilyn asked.

"I said..." the DM repeated. "that because a certain someone can talk to eldritch abominations, there's now one in the other bathroom too."

"After everything we did for you?"

"Like what? Sitting around and doing nothing while George took over? I don't owe you crap!" They threw the mic against the wall. It hit with a loud thud and a crackle. The DM swore.

Marilyn sighed. "I'll fix this."

Ashlee stared at Marilyn, her mouth watering. She looked so delicious, and – no, Ashlee. Bad. Marilyn is a friend. Right. You don't eat your friends. Humans are friends, not food.

Ashlee looked to Linda. Linda wasn't really her friend. She should eat Linda.

No, she shouldn't. Besides the fact that Linda kind of was her friend, there was also the matter of taste. There wasn't anything to season her with, and Ashlee would not eat non-seasoned meat.

She should fix that. Ashlee walked into the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of mixed dried herbs, and walked back to Linda.

Could vampires even eat other vampires? Maybe it wasn't a good idea.

"What were you doing, Ashlee?"

"Oh, nothing." Ashlee slipped the bottle of herbs into her pocket. "Nothing at all."

First Human had done some horrible things before. First Human had asked for stupid favours. First Human had kicked them out of the bathroom. First Human had become its friend.

But First Human had never done something quite as bad as this.

Gül'lcra'agg moved into the corner as its new roommate greeted it. Roommate was bad, this was its home, Gül'lcra'agg didn't want to share. Roommate wrapped a tentacle around Gül'lcra'agg's and screeched, a standard greeting for polite eldritch abomination society.

It hit Roommate away. Gül'lcra'agg was not polite eldritch abomination society.

Polite was bad.

"h͋͆ͭ͏҉̙̦͈̙͔͙̙̱e̳̝̺̞̻̗̘̘̎̂̓̋̿̿ͭḻ̸̛̖̳̹̼͓̬̖͋̈́̍̎ͅl̷̟̺̝͔͕͚͂̌͡͞ȏ̖̖̫̠̩͔̌̊̎̌͊ͮ̎ ̹̥͈̤ͯ̓̋͒̓̉̃ͮ̈̀͟h̶̨ͧͮ͑̃̒҉̻ę̻͓̟͍͍̼͕͗̓̈̀͢l̴̪̮͇͖̟̦̔͆̃͐̂͞͠l̦͐̋̚̕͟o̍̍͞͏̴̫̼̻̱̱ ̷̪͚͎ͯͥ̈́͛̅̀h̷̹͕̼̦̝̟̦̥͈͛̑ͧͧ̅͐͘͞e̺̫̙̰̹ͮ̏̑ͪͩͨ̏̎l̸͎̰̲̗̯̠̥̑̓͟l̤̠͓̘͚̳͐ͩ́ͮ͂͛ͅo̢̺̬̜̱̜̟͖͒ͨ̅̀͛ ̧̨͉͈̜̘̥̦̎ͮͩ̒h̨͖̯͖̯̳̞̀̿̏ͧ̌̿ͅͅē͈͎̰̉ͮ̄̍l̳̳̟̤̹͉̏̈̐ͤ͑̀͊͑ͯ͝ͅl̷̸̤͐̈́ͭͨ̾̈́̓o̫͈̦̟͎͓̙͎̔͗̎̃̋̕," it greeted.

"ã̘̤͚͔̣̲͚̰̟̘̱̰̥̟̓͂͑͂ͤ̎ͬ̉́a̸͚̤̯̜̻̙̋̐͐͂ͦ͘a̛̪̪͓̣͔̦̞͎͕͚ͣͨ͋ͦ͋ͬ͛ͯ̂ͨ̕͜͟ą̵̷͇̼͇͉͉͎̜͈̠̝̽̐̔͋͒ͪͪͩ̑̔͊͆́̇͑̉͘ͅa͔̭͎͎̤͓̪̱̻̳̥̻̝̗͛͛͗̑ͬ̆͂ͣ͛̓̅̑̚͘͘͠ȧͨ̑̾̊̎̉̂͌͛͂́̇҉̮̼͉̹̣̘͖̙̳̣͖͕͜ḁ̭̣̝̙̺̝ͣ̐͛ͩ̊̓̒̈ͨ̾̎̾̾̚͢͟͞ä̱͉̤̳̞̺͈̱̼͚̜͉̫̙̼̜́͂̒ͦͩͦ̐̒́͞͡ͅaͤ̽̏̔ͤ̄ͪ̒ͯ̄͆͒̚͢͏̻̼̥͙̗̤ͅą̩͙͇̙͈͓͎̩͉̥͔̉ͩ͆̅̾̎̆͂ͣͩ̆̏̓̅͆̿̓̚ä̡͖̬̫̙̥̜͔̺̟̲̬͕̻̤͆ͫͮ͗ͪ̈ͧ̉ͤ̓ͨ͐͂̆̀̚͞ͅạ̳̰̺̹͙̤̑̽̄̉̉͒ͣ̉̚͘͡a̷ͯ̿ͣ̉ͭ̉ͯ̐ͣ͑̓͑ͨ͋͏͖͚͓͙̻̙͚͕̖͔͖͉͇̼̳̖̱ͅa̱̹̝͕̋̈ͯ̔ͪ͑ͫ̏̆̆̅̉͌ͬͧ͜͢a̛ͨ̍ͫ̈́͋̐̀҉̫͕̙̟͇͇̞̠̥̬ă̸̡̘̞̪̙͔̝͊ͧ͛ͯ̀̈́̽ͬ͂ͨ͂̂ͣ͊̀̍͆̚a̴̹͈͈̥̋͆̈́ͦ̏ͮ͒ͮ̂ͭ̀́͠," Gül'lcra'agg replied, a statement that, if translated into English, would need to be censored.

Roommate told Gül'lcra'agg its name. 'Othilli' was a stupid name and Gül'lcra'agg would not be using it. Roommate would always be Roommate, unless it is Annoying Roommate.

Roommate tried again to make friends. Gül'lcra'agg did not want to make friends.

First Human should be a̭s̻̦̬̖͚͔̹h̴̟͙͓̼͓̤̐ͦ̄̈̊͂̏a̫͉̥̟͠m̟̠̭̘͇̪͈̊ͯͬͧe̹̻̜͕̒̈d͚̮̙̺̰̺̥ ͙̭̹̆͌̉̽̅̔͡f̻͎̱̒o̯̜̫̊̂̆͌̊ȑ̷͍̞͚͙̯̺͕̽͑͋ͯ̒ ͎̣͎̻͕͔̗ͫ͛ͦ̌͠b̥̻̫͚͚̆̃͡r̞̙̫̝̆ĭ̴̗̣̯̻̳͊ͯ͆ͮͨ̚ň̜̺g̹i͙͋̑͒͞n̛͚͈̣͊͊̅͛ͩg̽ͣ̂ͪ҉̱̻̯̰͚̟̱ ͈̼͙̯̼͕ͮ͌̃̈́̓͆̂i̵̬̩͙̪͖t̤̖ͮ̐ͦ̒̅̎ͯ͘ ̠͚͇̹͉̣̟͊ȟ̖͈͔̤͖e̼̱̜̽̃̆̇̄̈́r̖̬̖̖͕̻̂̇̽e̱̺̘͖͇̙̘ͯ͐͛ͭ.̜͖͖̾

Othilli, on the other hand, was confused as to why Gül'lcra'agg was acting like this. Sure, there was an age difference of approximately eight hundred years, the unexpected invasion of privacy, and the fact that Gül'lcra'agg was the eldritch abomination equivalent of a hormonal teenager, but surely it would be possible for them to get along.

The Nice Human said something to Gül'lcra'agg, and it screeched a frustrated response and touched the sheet that hung to protect the bath from the dangers of the world. The sheet set on fire and exposed the bath.

Othilli fixed the sheet so the bath would be safe. Gül'lcra'agg set it on fire again. Othilli tried to tell Gül'lcra'agg how it felt about this, but it didn't listen. Gül'lcra'agg threw its tentacles around Othilli, which was friendly for humans, but actually quite an aggressive gesture. Othilli pushed Gül'lcra'agg away and waved its tentacles at it.

Gül'lcra'agg turned on the rain machine and flicked the rain at Othilli. Nice Human told it to stop. Gül'lcra'agg screeched angrily at it and moved into the bath.

This was what Othilli was trying to protect the bath from. But Gül'lcra'agg did not seem to be hurting the bath, or wanting to hurt the bath, so Othilli glared at it and floated in the air in the opposite corner.

...maybe they could still be friends with a bit of work.

Well, Othilli and Gül'lcra'agg no longer looked like they were about to kill each other, so Marilyn's work was done. She stepped out of the bathroom and left them to their newfound reluctant partnership.

"You can't do that!" The DM shouted. "You know what?" They clicked a button. "Now there's another one!"

Nyxclxscxg wasn't aware it had been doing its job poorly, but suddenly, it was in the bathroom of the Easy Way Out, where eldritch abominations went for the horrible punishment of hanging around humans. Why was it here? It couldn't have been doing its job that badly.

It also had to admit, though, it was kind of curious as to why the Way Out was as horrible as it had been told. What was so bad about humans anyway?

A human walked in, sighed, and pointed outside the room.

Maybe that was why. That thing was fugly.

Linda watched Marilyn run back and forth from bathroom to bathroom. Even though she wasn't a vegan (which Linda was) she was doing something nice for them all, and Linda had to appreciate it a bit. She liked not dying when she went to have a shower. And the mental energy it would take to do all that would make her the perfect target.

Wait, no, she meant 'the perfect target for Ashlee'.

Wait no she didn't, Linda was not an advocate for the consumption of children. Even if she was a vampire.

Unfortunately, Ashlee seemed to be thinking the exact same thing Linda had been. She stared at Marilyn with a bloodlust in her eyes that Linda had not seen before.

"Maybe if we killed her, the DM would get rid of the abominations," Ashlee whispered.

Or maybe she was just staring intently. Hopefully it was that.

Linda didn't know.

"And then we could eat her."

Nope. That was definitely bloodlust. She had to convince Ashlee to do something else, otherwise she would kill Marilyn and Linda would succumb to her non-vegan urges and she wouldn't be a vegan any more.

If you could even call her a vegan after what happened earlier.

"But if we killed her and the abominations didn't go away, we would all die," Linda pointed out, hopefully persuading Ashlee to please not kill Marilyn thank you very much.

Ashlee looked to Linda and nodded. "Good point, we'll have to find some other prey – I mean, some other way. To get rid of the abominations."

Marilyn ran out of the bathroom as soon as she said that. "Guys, I'm moving them all to a spare room, please leave so you don't explode when I take them outside."

She had to eat something. Ashlee was hungry.

Linda sat down in the common room. "I just cannot believe that we are alive again, right, Ashlee?" Ashlee wasn't listening. "Ashlee?"

Ashlee was hungry.

But who could she eat? Not Dead, she'd already eaten him once, not Sad, she'd feel bad for killing him again after the WiFi Incident (yes, she remembered), not Marilyn, because they needed Marilyn, not Linda, and she couldn't kill Lily because Lily had never done anything wrong.

Oh well, what a shame, Dead it was. Time to eat him again.

"Ashlee! Wait! Where are you going!"

Ashlee wasn't listening. Ashlee was hungry.