Being on drugs/alcohol while being in a relationship is complicated. 

I had my first (and last) boyfriend last year. I really wanted to be straight in order to "make life easier" for myself and my family, and somehow I thought this dude would be perfect for it. For the record, he asked me out, not the other way 'round, and I'd known him for a couple years and thought I trusted him. 

When we started dating, I was drinking most if not all days of the week, tripping out on bennies early every morning, smoking, and high on duster for most of my waking hours. I didn't think dude was on anything, but it turned out that he smoked a lot of weed and drank (not as much as me, but still). He was one of those guys that glorified substance use to no end, and while I didn't tell him the full extent of things, he was "cool" with my lifestyle. So I was left feeling kind of let down and disregarded. I knew what I was doing wasn't good, but I didn't care enough to stop. I kind of wished that someone would care enough to stop me, and the fact that he didn't made me feel pretty apathetic. 

I came to 9th grade homecoming drunk. He actually said I was "lucky" I could get something to drink before. I was too fucked up to think about how bad that was, but looking back on it, I can't believe him. He just kind of laughed when I stumbled my way around the gym, struggled up the stairs and made a complete ass of myself, and he left me with the girl who is now my girlfriend about 1.5 hours in so he could go back to his friend's place and play video games. 

So although this wasn't a co-dependent relationship, it was still bad. Don't get with someone who encourages you to kill yourself. 

My girlfriend, Emily, is totally clean- she's never done anything and tries her best to help me be sober. It's a good thing and it makes me feel like she actually cares about me, but it's difficult for us because she doesn't see or even know the full extent of my addiction. That's my fault; I could easily give her the full picture, but I'm just too afraid- afraid of scaring her, sending her running because she can't deal with it. Things have gotten better, though, thanks to her. I barely drink anymore and have stopped duster and bennies completely. I do smoke/vape a lot more, though, which is counterproductive and worries her. We're working on it. 

Like, when you're the "addict" in a relationship, you kind of feel like a burden, a disappointment. The other person tries to help you, but every time you relapse on something you feel this horrible, horrible guilt. Like you've let them down and you don't know what they'll do or say if/when they find out. It's really difficult- sometimes I think she'd be better without me or with somebody clean. She probably would be.