"so scared of what your enemies will do to you. you're the only enemy you ever seem to lose to!"

If my life could be summed up in a lyric, this would be it. I've always been paranoid. When I was 8, I stayed up all night in the office playing computer games by the phone, just in case anyone broke in. I live in an upper middle class neighborhood where the only crime was a car break-in 10 years ago. Until age 11, I refused to be left alone in the car even for a few minutes out of fear of being abducted. I would cry and scream if I was left there. I'm still scared to death of being left home alone, and if I come home to anything out of place, I check the whole house for robbers. 

And I'm real defensive. I don't like getting too close to others because I don't want to be fucked around with. All through middle school, I put on this really hard front because I didn't want to be seen as weak or soft. It worked most of the time, but sometimes I'd just lose it and drop my shit on the floor, run off to the girls room, and puke my guts up. And then cry like a little bitch. I kind of gave it up this year. I dunno why- I guess turning everything inwards feels better this time 'round. 

I also have this weird aversion to the "woman's body." I am not prepared to have curves and big tits and no muscle. To me it looks too soft and vulnerable and if I looked like that I'd slit my throat. I don't eat much and I puke shit up a lot just to keep myself thin and for my muscles to show. I know it's real bad and shit, but I am not going to let myself look like shit just because I'm "developing." That's not happening.