I wake to the sound of my phone's alarm going off. Blaring Cindi Lauper's song: Girls just wanna have fun.

Rolling over on my bed tired I hit the floor.

Not realizing how close to the edge of my bed I was, I get off of the floor brushing myself off.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it...," I state mumbling under my breath, "I get it! Today's supposed to suck anyway, right?! So why not start it off with me being angry at myself and the universe while I'm at it! Damn...-!"

I stop myself realizing what I'm doing.

I take a deep breath as I begin my constant refrain.

This is not productive.

Today is just a day.

I'm fine.

I am not hurt.

I am not broken.

I am healed.

Alright Noah.

Breath in- I inhale slowly but deep.

Hold.

Count to five, Noah.

One, two, three, four, (Ding!), five?

Releasing my breath I turn to look at my phone.

Looking down at my screen it said:

You have a message from Nixxy

Who the hell is Nixxy?

I don't know any Nixxy, so why the hell is he messaging me?

I open my messenger app.

You have one new message!

I click the message and look down reading it before I reply.

Nixxy: Hey

Oh? Why the hell is this?!

Messaging me?

So out of pure curiosity I answered back.

~~~

I'm not sure agreeing to continue texting with him was a good idea.

For all I know he is a creepy, disgusting, old man, who wants to lock me in his basement full of pink teddy bears and dildos.

Okay that's a bit graphic.

Too graphic now I'm seeing that shit.

Great bet you twenty, that this is gonna haunt me tonight.

Whatever.

After taking a few minutes to decide on my outfit before texting, Nixxy...?, whatever not gonna think about it!

As I was saying...I already had my outfit out and started to get ready.

I walk down the hall of my apartment to the bathroom at the end, passing photos of me, my mom, and younger brother.

There are a few with my dad, but only out of obligation.

I had no love for that man but Darren adored the man. Who was I to tell him the image he had of his father was far from correct?

That's how it is for most people, no matter how old they get. They see the flaws and sometimes ignore them.

Some people had that ability.

I didn't.

I saw my father as the bastard I knew him to be.

I tried to get away with taking them down, but sadly that didn't work.

When my brother came to visit me he looked directly to the hall, immediately noticing that every photo of our father was missing.

He got really weird for a bit before I told him I was cleaning the frames and glass covering, and it ended with me hanging the pictures back on my wall.

Although I would have liked to place them in their proper place...the dumpster just below my apartment window.

I take a moment to stop and stare at the scene of the sun setting it the distance, outside my open window.

A breeze blowing in and filling the room with the sweet scent of Gino's Bakery bread.

I take in a lung full of the sweet scent suddenly craving the deliciously fluffy, and butter coated bread.

Looking out at Gino's squat, two story building with its faded sunshine yellow painted walls. The path way leading up from the sidewalk and up to his store, having green, yellow and blue flower pots lined up and filled with their very own garden grown flowers.

It's been here since forever, I've come to think of that small slice of timeless forever, to be the one place I can keep for myself.

A place for me and all my bad moods.

I look from Gino's place to the horizon, before remeber ing that they invited me over for dinner. I only have one of my 'Task' classes, as some call it, for the day. Those only lasting an hour or two before I can go home.

I pay attention to the details of the sky and watch a cloud as it shifts from shape to another.

I start to play with a new relaxation technique Jules told me about.

She learned it from her older brother's therapist. She had gone with him to support him while he was going through a rough time.

I spy with my two eyes...

A plane.

A bird.

A...blue eye...

Crap.

I'll start over.

I spy with my- riiiinnngggg...riiiinnngggg.

Fuck it. Must be the universe's way of telling me that no matter what it's going to try to make my life a living hell.

Well fuck that.

I'm not wallowing away,drowning myself in self pity like that ever again.

I continue to look at the haze filled sky now smeared with grey, orange and a darker blue.

Deciding to stop wasting time, I cross the room once more and continue on my way to the bathroom door.

Reveling in the feel of my soft cotton like shagg carpet.

Reaching the door located at the end of the hall, I turn the knob peeking my head in and looking around the room, holding the door open as I go further into my bathroom looking for my bag of toiletries unsure if I had moved it or not.

Seeing it, I walk into the room.

I take a moment to admire the small vanity I have cramped in a corner of my tiny but elegant bathroom.

I walk into the bathroom letting my eyes wander to the carpet that is lined up with the bath.

My grandmother made it for me the same year my mother died.

She was doing fine, until she over stressed herself.

Worried about me, when I should have been taking care of her.

I sometimes can't cope with knowing it's my fault.

I didn't want to.

Did you know I can't swim?

Yeah, and after I lost my Jaxon I-...

No...

After he left me...

They all left...you weren't worth sticking around for...

No, not true!

My mom... my grandma they didn't leave me because...

Come one Noah... what was it that you believe to be correct...?

Wait don't answer, you believed they would have stayed if given the chance instead of staying away from you?

Grabbing my head, tightly in between my too rigid fingers, I try to push the two warring sides of my mind together.

I look to my bathroom mirror.

I look to the despicable person who stares back at me with as much hatred as I have for them.

They ruined everything...

They took everything...

They made my life a living hell, whenever I allowed myself to look back on the scrapbook of my mind, as clear pictures pop up in sequence of vibrant color.

Blinding me to what is really to see before my eyes.

The memories play on repeat like an old broken record.

Much like that same broken record, there is nothing...

Nothing but the white space, after it has finished.

The only things that seem to make sense on days like this, are the memories, clear without the red spotted areas of a damaged old photograph.

It was like he had branded my heart.

The searing hot pain still there even after he left.

The pain consistent, as my heart throbs in my chest.

Running a marathon I was sure I would never win.

That's what our relationship consisted of... me chasing him to the beating in my chest, following the steady pulsation of a young, naive, and completly in love heart.

He was always a step ahead of me.

He was the first to a knowledge our shy, but quite loud spoken feelings for one another. Even when the words never truly left our mouths.

I had loved him so much I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to give it all to him.

Now it hurt so much I wasn't sure I could live long enough to ever be rid of the pain.

...

Would you believe it if I told you that my mother's death wasn't the worse thing I had experienced?

No...

The worst feeling was watching her waste away...and barely feeling anything about it til after she was gone.

My heart simply didn't a knowledge that I should be feeling pain for this person.

For my mother.

It's one and only priority was no where to be found.

With a longing so intense, my muscles would tense and spasm just thinking about holding him.

Then came Jules...

She's no angelic, harp-playing angel.

No, she is more like a guardian angel.

That sounds even better.

She was the 'protector of my fragile heart' as she liked to put it.

With that thought a sense of calm takes over my body. I take a deep breath, inhaling the sweet calming scent still lingering I the air, the aroma so strong, I decide to go and eat breakfast out today.

With that in mind I continue on with my morning routine, trying to make sure I didn't deviate too far from my schedule, from sulking and thinking about the past like an ass hat knowing it would just hurt me.

That might have been a subconscious decision.

To hurt myself.

To allow the pain I suppress and confine to the dark depths of myself, to consume me until I have no choice but to start thinking about it.

To analyze.

I'll have to ask Jules.

She is more experianced with figuring me out than I am.

She is studying psychology and works as an intern with a psychoanalytic program, the course work for her specific classes being dealing with real world patients and not pages of reference from a textbook in a simulated situation.

Those are just a short term goal.

She wants to be the next Dr.Phil which is great.

She wants to be able to help people on another level. To take away the pain and roughness of such situations, the kind that could break the person dealing with them if allowed to do so.

I knew that she would be awesome at it, and she wants to work with children specifically.

She'll do great things.

I finish with my bath and climb out from under the water coming from the shower head, barely able to see with water still streaming from my hair and into my face.

I reach my hand out grabbing a towel for the rack beside the bath, my phone alarm going off again as a reminder of the time I have left til I have to be in class.

Swiping my screen with a still wet finger, I read off the time.

40 minutes left.

Crap.

I grab my toothbrush and comb and start furiously combing my hair as I brush my teeth, after having already put the tooth paste on to my toothbrush.

After finishing up at the sink I grab my clothes and toiletri bag and put my things away, before taking out my deodorant and perfume.

What...?

I like it better than the ones you would commonly find in the department store.

After putting on deodorant I grab a bottle of lotion and baby powder lightly dusting my body with it before putting on lotion, applying the lotion to my face, arms, legs, and neck.

I pull my clothes on, after finishing up with that, I spritz a bit of perfume on my wrist and torso.

Rubbing my wrists up against the skin at my neck and just under my ear I take a look at my reflection.

I quickly look away deciding I look decent enough to go out today.

I hurry through my apartment grabbing the things I'll need for my class, almost forgetting my textbook.

I do a quick check to make sure I have everything.

Wallet? Check.

I.d? Check.

Bag? Check.

Notebooks? Check.

I don't bother with going on as I hear my phone go off again letting me know I have approximately fifteen minutes left to get to school.

I need at least a solid ten to get through the few questions from the literature class I got two days ago.

I takes about twelve to get to school from here, and that's with a car.

See this is where contemplating the great many failures of your life, lead to.

Shut it.

I hurry out the door not bothering to look it behind me.

I'll send over Jules to lock up for me while I'm in class, she usually takes sundays off so it should be fine.

Rushing down the same hall with the same golden brown walls, and the same dark brown carpet, that I've taken every day for the past three years, makes me nostalgic.

I continue on my way, reaching the elevator, pushing the call button I wait impatiently, my foot tapping repetitively, for the elevator to arrive.

I dive into the elevator as it finally reaches my floor.

Pushing the button indicating I want to go to the first floor, I wait as it takes the journey down towards the lobby.

I leap out of the elevator as it reaches the lobby and full out sprint to the doors of the building.

Pulling them open I run outside and onto the sidewalk, before crossing the street, I stare regretfully at Gino's pace as I run by, knowing I can't stop because I'm already going to be late or class.

I rush past people on their way to wherever. Bumping into people as I run by.

Crap, crap crap...!