I froze Mom and Cole both tried to get me to throw him out I need to be careful how I do this. “Muscle is…” Muscle looked me, his teal eyes and his white painted skull and pitch black body with dots of neon teal that seemed to glow. I sighed and looked back to Connor, “You can’t freak out okay.” I said looking at him Connor nodded “Muscle show him Rea.” Muscle sat down and froze and I watched as the projection came on Connor stood and watched it while I texted Cole letting him know that Muscle was able to get to me without scaring or hurting anyone. I watched as Connor sat down the projection stopped and he looked at the Muscle… “Before you say anything let me tell you a bit about him.” I told him how we had met and how he had saved my life “I would be dead right now if not for him.” Connor looked to Muscle who was standing beside me and getting head pats. I heard a knock on the door and covered Muscle with a blanket and looked to Connor. “You can’t tell anyone.” I watched as he went to the door a nurse walked in and I looked to the Iv and heart mentor. “The nurses will look after you I have other people to take care of I will come and check on you later.” I nodded and watched as he left. The nurse pulled out a needle and I looked to the bundle of blankets Muscle was under as the needle poked me. I sighed as the bundle remain motionless, I heard crying from the hallway. “I should have been there with him…” I heard my mother crying I stood as the nurse backed up hooking up the heart monitor to me I pulled them as they wheels squeaked with each step. The nurse opened the door for me and I poked my head around to see my mom crying with my brother comforting her “we can’t blame ourselves it’s going to be okay..” I watched as my brother broke down .“Mom, Cole sorry they had me switch rooms I am okay.” They looked up and ran over to me, “We thought you jumped, ” they wrapped their arms around me we went back to my room and they brought me take-out food I used to love. Sitting them down I went back on my bed, “you said Muscle was here?” I snapped my fingers a few times and watched as Muscle shook off the blankets and looked to me then Cole and my mom “is that why your window was broken?” I nodded and thought about Connor “I told Connor.” Cole looked at me and sighed “What happens when you get a job and he bursts through the window?” I sighed and watched as Muscle dug his head through the bag that my mom brought “What are you doing?” I said watching him confused he looked at me gently holding a plastic fork in his mouth. Ever so carefully setting the fork in my lap and then picking up the box of food and setting it on my lap. He whined and looked at me, I chuckled and patted his head and picked up the fork and opened the container looking to the food I looked to Muscle he whined and I twisted my fork in the sea of low mein noodles and stuck them into my mouth. Muscle watched as I ate Mom and Cole said nothing and just looked at each other. I looked to the empty container and then to Muscle, my Mom took the empty container “He really is something…” Cole said looking down on him, my mom looked at him and then to me. “My boys.” She hugged Cole and I and we sat there for moment. Backing away we talk about what happened I didn’t pour my heart out like they hoped I would. “Does it really matter? I won’t it again” I said tightening the grasp on my phone videos and photos of my dad when he and I used to work on cars and even a video of me coming out to him. My mom sniffed in and looked up tears went down her face as her hair hid her eyes “He should have lived.” My mom rested her hand on my shoulder as she moved to my bed sitting next to me Cole just looked away and Muscle rested his head on me. “I just wanna see him again.” Muscle looked at me and I closed my eyes and tears dripped down my face, I heard a whirring sound and my mom patted me. I looked up to see a hologram, tears dripped down my face as I looked to see his last birthday before he died we all gathered in his hospital room and sang. It quickly ended as dad blew out his candles with help from me “Muscle play it again.” It didn’t seem long enough no matter how many times he played it and other videos I had “Ash… I know you were really close to him.” I pushed Cole away “Stop doing that.” He looked at me confused as he began to get angry. “What try and help you?! Stop you from killing yourself?!” I stood and pointed at him “Stop it refusing to call him dad. You know who he is, he is OUR dad.” Cole scoffed “I don’t have a dad anymore.” I grabbed Cole and pushed him into the wall I punched him and he punched back. Cole grabbed me by my hair and pushed my face down, he punched me a few more times and then I punched him right in the face he stopped moving for a moment and I repeatedly punched him. “Dad did so much for us. Dad worked so hard and even when Dad was sick he tried to help us. But all you ever did was make things harder for him.” I stood and looked down on him he chuckled and grabbed me “you think I made things harder for him. He and I never got along cause I caught him being a phedo! Jerking off as this middle school chick dancing for him. I knew that girl I knew what she did and worked so she didn’t have to.” The hologram ended and Muscle shook his head and looked around. Cole pushed me off him and glared me down, “If that guy would be mad at anyone it would be you for doing shit like this to yourself.” He gestured to me and I turned away and watched as he left as Connor walked in “Hey Cole are you- okay then… What happened to him…” Connor looked at me and I turned away my face tingling with pain “What happened?” I sat on the hospital bed. “We got into a fight.” Connor touched my hand and I looked to see his coat gone, “You are off duty so no more questions about that crap.” Connor held up a bag of food and set it on the rolling table. “I thought we could eat together.” We ate together and I felt the pain of Cole’s punches fade away and the pain of my heartburn did Dad really do that? The question was buried under fake smiles and happy stories. But it didn’t fool Connor and he pulled me to his chest “I know something is wrong…” I felt tears stream down my face as the pain of so many things flooded. My dad, being raped, school kids, my health both physical and mental. “What kind of sick war do I have to fight to find a good person to finally have a friend?! To not want to die?! I just wanna breath without feeling guilty!” Tears streamed down my face as I poured my heart out to him, holding me and not asking questions he comforted me, gently patting my back and rocking me back and forth. I felt so warm and safe in his arms, not like anything else I had ever felt it was real. Handing me a tissue and wiping away the snot and tears he looked down on me, tilting my chin to him I closed my eyes in leaned into a kiss. His warm hands gently held me and we made out his tongue swirling with mine melted away the effects of this war of my past. I laid back and Connor got on the bed and looked down on me moving a few strands of hair he took off his shirt and gently pulled mine off. Kissing his hands went up and down feeling my chest and hips being careful of the bandaged cuts on my chest, he put his hands on the pillow next to my head stopping and he turned away. “That’s far enough,” he stood and I grabbed his arm “please don’t leave…” He looked at me and I felt tears form as he pulled away his hand “I am sorry I gotta go home… I will see you tomorrow bright and early.” I watched as he left and I felt my heart sink. I know he has other things to do but I can’t help but be mad at him for leaving me. I got out of bed and went to the shower which was something I wasn’t supposed to do. Despite every warning from the nurses and doctors, I warmed up the water. Tearing off the bandages I got under the hot water I let it flow over me, I know I can’t hold on and just drag Connor down I can’t burden him with all my shit. I shook my head and reminded myself I hadn’t known him for too long I am just sad and holding onto him because I am sad. I need to stop trusting so easily, after my shower I dried off got dressed and went to bed I fell asleep rather easily and before I knew it the days passed Muscle wasn’t bad listened very well and no one else knew there was a military demo weapon under a pile of blankets. I woke up and got ready for school my first day back, mom begged me to take a long break but I refused. I walked to the bus stop with Cole by my side, “hey so there is going to be a being this like meeting… And they are gonna talk about feelings and what not.” I sighed and pulled on my headphone that laid around my neck “Great reason why I paid 50 bucks for noise proof headphones.” I watched as the bus crept up and stopped the noise filled my ears and I groaned one of the many things I hated about buses. The doors opened and I sighed my brother chuckled, “look it’s the gates of hell.” He said gesturing to the bus doors I agreed with him and the bus driver contained his laughter. I sat down and Cole sat down with me “Don’t you have friends?” I said looking at him he scoffed “Jez I was trying to be nice.” I pulled him close and began to whisper “Look if you act like you don’t know me then people won’t call you ‘the brother of the kid that tried to kill himself’ Make sense?” Cole lightly pushed me “Yeah right we look exactly the same.” I scoffed and poked his ear piercings “Not with all that metal in your face.” He poked my wrist “says mister bones.” I poked his hair “Half bald.” He chuckled “It’s called fashion but of course you won’t know what that is.” I pulled on his torn tank top, “says the one that's dressed like a homeless person.” A few kids nearby thought it was funny and chuckled. “Oh yeah?” I nodded and he poked my chest “says the one who looks like a dead kid.” I shoved him “Says the one who has the shoes from the 80’s.” Grabbing his chest being dramatic. “As I said before, it’s fashion someone who has two shirts and one hoodie wouldn’t understand.” We went on for a while and a lot of kids laughed along with us despite the fact they didn’t know who we were. Yelling out burn or roasted every now and then and trying to join in but getting rejected. When we got to the school everyone rushed to get out, my brother and I waited for an opening and a teacher stood at the door of the bus. “Please make your way to the gym.” I watched as all of the students headed to the gym having no choice to follow the herd Cole and I made over way through the crowd. Almost going into a panic from the crowd of students I sighed and Cole headed toward his friends I went the opposite way only to be pulled back to his side. With a tight grasp on my arm, we made our way up the bleachers, I looked over his friends they all wore band shirts that no one else but the teachers would know. One of them had drumsticks and headphones on as he rocked away to the drums that laid in front of him in his mind. As we got closer they stopped talking and looked at me and Cole.”Hey man, how ya doing?” Cole nodded and did a handshake with all four of the kids utterly lost by the fact anyone would ever be able to remember the handshake I stood. “So this is sticks,” He gestured to the boy with drumsticks he had flippy hair and when he gently looked up from his ‘drums’ I watched as his black hair moved he pulled off his headphones and revealed a large burn scar on the whole left side of his face I followed the scar all the way to his neck wearing a hoodie to try and hide it. “Sup,” he said nodding I nodded “Sup” trying not to look at his scar I smiled, he went back to his music. I looked to a girl with dark purple hair that faded to a lighter purple almost white, her lips were black and faded to a light grey, she wore a black leather skirt with black pantyhose and a white shirt with the name of an old band. “This is Bubbles.” She popped her bright pink gum loudly “Hi cutie”. He looked to a rather hot guy who 18, he looked a bt tired with black bags under his eyes and looking closely I saw he was covering something up with makeup “this is Scotty.” He looked at me “You are so small” He came toward me and touched my face and got closer “Can I have him?” I reached out for Cole confused “Yeah sure.” Scotty looked at me his haircut similar to Connor’s but a bit longer and more wild and dark red. He had four piercings on each ear, the bridge of his nose was pierced, two on his right eyebrow, and 4 on his lips. He seemed to notice me staring at them. “I got my tongue too.” He stuck out his tongue and showed two piercings on his tongue. “My parents don’t give a shit so they always sign for everyone to get piercings. As long as you have the cash they could care less.” Scotty let me go and he chuckled. He closed his mouth and smiled touching my neck I backed up he chuckled and looked to Cole “So is he wanting to join or something?” I looked at Cole “I thought you said you were done…” I glared Cole down he shook his hands “No no no that’s not what we are talking about. It’s a-a…” I scoffed and facepalmed “Come on Cole.” Cole rubbed his neck and looked away “it’s a band… That’s where all my money comes from...” I sat up and looked at him “You play…” He nodded and Scotty looked at Cole then looked at me. “What’s your name little cinnamon roll?” I looked at Scotty and he booped my nose, “Ash…” Everyone froze and looked at each other. “Oh…” Cole sat down sighing “so how do you know Bass?” I looked at him confused as he gestured to Cole “He is a- a neighbor of mine helped my mom get me in the car when I was about to die.” Cole elbowed me “Stop being an ass I am not that bad.” I glared at him and the others looked at me confused “I am his twin brother.” Everyone's jaw dropped “Shit really” I nodded and Bubbles looked up “I am going to be blunt why did you try to kill yourself?” I looked to my hands “Cause life seems like an endless War” I watched as a teacher walked in the middle of the gym holding a mic with a long cord. Scotty held up his hand “Amen to that brother FUCK THE WORLD AWAY.” I smiled and he waved his pointer finger and pulled out an iPod. “I am the singer, Bubbles is the electric guitarist, sticks is on the drums and Ya bro is bass.” I nodded and he pressed play on the music after I plugged my headphones in. “Why does the world have to be so far away. I don’t really have anything else to say… so… FUCK THE WORLD AWAY!” normally I’d grab my ears in pain but I found myself closing my eyes and laying back drifting away in the words.
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