“Daniel,” I say, exhausted. “Can you please put your shirt back on and take the pepperonis off your nipples?”

I’ve been in this pizza place for about five minutes and this kid has already got his shirt off and sticking toppings on himself.

“These aren’t pepperonis Jacob, you, arrogant asshole,” He says in the worst fake female voice I’ve ever heard. “These are my nipples your taking about! You know I’ve always been insecure about my jumbo-sized nipples!”

I try not to laugh because he is such a freaking idiot. But I know working here would be complete shit if he didn’t work here with me.

My dad owns this place called Papa’s Pizza that Daniel and I have worked at every summer for money. My dad really doesn’t pay us much but we really don’t do much except screw around and eat the toppings.

Daniel puts his shirt back on and sits on the counter, something my dad would frown upon if he saw.

“So, get this,” Daniel starts, and I know he is about to tell me some messed up shit because Daniel always has something weird to say. “I come home last night and I hear two people going at it upstairs.”

I laugh and ask if it was his parents even though I know there’s no way this story is going to be that conservative.

“Nah,” He says. “I thought that too so I was just like jeez, these animals already had two kids like coast for awhile. So, I walk up the stairs and it turns out it’s coming from my parent’s room, but the doors open slightly so being the curious cat I’ve always been I had to peak in.”

“Your sick,” I tell him.

“I know,” He says. “But get this, it isn’t my parents going at it but my brother Smithy and some chick!”

“In your parent’s bedroom?” I ask.

“Yeah but that’s not even the shit that freaked me out,” He continues. “I recognize the chick, it’s our freaking cousin! Crazy, right?”

“No,” I say in disbelief.

“Yes,” Daniel says. “But now get this, another head comes out from the sheets and it’s our cousin’s sister! Smithy was in there with two related chicks!”

“That’s messed up,” I tell him. “But damn Smithy is a legend. He is one freaky looking fuck though, I don’t know how he does it.”

“It’s all in the confidence Jacob,” Daniel says as if he knows anything about getting girls. “You have to make the female feel inferior to you and insecure. Make her think you’re the best she can get, then you’re in… literally.”

I don’t know how Daniel has survived 17 years of living being this much of an idiot. The kid doesn’t even know the difference between left and right.

He goes over to the toppings area and picks up a handful of black olives and shoves them in his mouth. He chews disgustingly.

“Eh Jacob,” He says, mid-chew. “Bet you ten bucks that I can shove 4 olives up each nostril.”

“Bet you twenty that you can’t keep them in there for thirty seconds while chewing a hot pepper,” I say.

“You’re on,” He says. “I seriously need twenty bucks.”

He shoves the olives up his nose aggressively and pops the pepper into his mouth. He lasts about 10 seconds until black olives start shooting out of his nose and start sniping me.

I cover my face and head with my arms laughing when I see two girls staring at us who look unsure if they should laugh or not.

They smile and then start whispering and laughing as they look at the menu.

“Jacob,” Daniel says to me. “This is the perfect opportunity to show you my theory to make girls feel inferior.”

“Daniel,” I say. “Not every moment is an opportunity.”

“Isn’t it though?” He says with a raised brow.

He leans over the counter where you order and smiles at the two girls. They are both pretty, I would settle for either one of them. Not that I don’t have a ton of girls that I’m talking to right now, but there’s always room for one more… two more in this case.

“So, ladies,” He says. “Do you know todays special?”

The shorter one shakes her head and says, “No.” She has a sexy accent too, I could work with that.

“You get a free side of me with the purchase of a pizza,” He says with a wink.

“Well thank god we came here for wings eh Kelly?” The other one says.

I laugh and say, “The wings are what comes with the free side of me.”

“I don’t want just a side of you,” She says, but I can’t tell if she is serious of making fun of me.

I look at Daniel who just has his mouth hanging open in awe at me like I’m a Greek God or something.

“Trust me,” I tell her, leaning over the counter now too. “A side of me is more than you’ll be able to handle.”

She’s smirking at me but then looks up at the menu, even though I’m still looking at her. I notice she has these amazing eyes that I don’t want to look away from.

They end up ordering a pizza and I give her a look to tell her that I want her but she knows the same tactic and I see the same look in her eyes. I can tell she is going to be a dangerous one to get involved with, but I want to anyway.

She pays and then leaves with her friend with the accent. and I don’t get her number because I know she’ll be back.

Daniel is still staring at me wide-eyed and open mouthed.

“Teach me,” He says. “That was amazing.”

He starts to clap, and I laugh.