Classmate? I was clueless why someone visited a certified loner. I went out only to feel agitated. Before the entrance, was that girl. While still wearing her school uniform, she stared at me. She was holding a bouquet of flowers which came from our classmates.

She bowed her head and told me, “I want to speak to you.”

I was bewildered that my following answer should be a refusal. But since she came all the way here just for me, as well as bowing her head as if swallowing her pride, I nodded by instinct.

“O-okay.”

Before we went out, I looked up to see the skies getting cloudy. The rainy season of June, it seemed. Because of that, I grabbed an umbrella nearby our door. I was supposed to get two, but Ayanokouji-san refused to have one. We walked and entered a small kids park composed of a few swings, a single slide, and a broken monkey bar. Right there, Ayanokouji-san took a seat at the swing while still holding the bouquet of flowers. On the other hand, I remained standing while thinking that if there was an uproar, I could run away in haste.

After taking a deep breath, she began:

“The send-off party, glad that you didn’t come.” She looked at the flowers and added, “This bouquet of flowers that is in the brink of abscission, altogether with the fake letters of praise brings guilt to me. No one felt sad upon my transfer, in fact, they felt all relieved and happy. It’s not like I’m expecting a good parting remark since I do not deserve it from the start. I don’t belong here.” She snickered at herself and gazed at me.

“I’m afraid.”

I faltered and stepped back at what she said.

“Today, before I leave… I’d like to confess everything to you. I also want this to serve as a warning.”

I couldn’t comprehend what she was saying, but the serious look on her face tells me that I should get a grip of myself at the so-called confession.

“Those group of bitches, I’m aware that you know them.”

She was talking about the three girls who bullied her on the second day.

“They are the mastermind of all these.”

My eyes widened at that.

“Mastermind, you mean…”

She nodded and looked down to the ground.

“Yes. They forced me to do everything. Starting with that letter until now, they were behind all that’s happening to you. On the second day of school, they already made their move on me, forcing me to do all that they wanted to. As a matter of fact, they made me live to the delusion that I can join their group once I comply with all their orders, but months came that it never happened. How foolish I am to keep on following their command never knowing that they are just toying me around. They’re having fun by watching us look like idiots. Perhaps you don’t have any idea why I forced myself to leave this fucking place.”

She gazed to my eyes and continued, “Every week, their bullying gets tougher. And do you know the order that made me decide to run away?”

I gulped at her question as she went on.

“Ever since the week I stopped from bullying you, they ordered me to kill you.”

My eyes widened at its worst miserable state. They order her to kill me? It was too unbelievable to think that they could command “killing” as a form of bullying. For god’s sake, we were just first-year middle schoolers.

“K-killing me? D-do you think middle schoolers like us could do something like that? I-I’m sure they aren’t serious about it.” I reasoned out of nowhere.

She glared at me.

“That’s what I thought too. I’m sure they are saying those to corner me. I realized just then that I was their target from the beginning. They knew that I can’t do such awful acts, and since I couldn’t comply with their order, that also means I don’t deserve to join their group. Because of that, they bullied me… be it either on our group chat or outside, they abused me to the utmost of their enjoyment. I have no choice but to run away from trouble, and changing schools is the sole option.”

She stood up and faced me.

“That’s all that I wanted to say. I hope this will serve as a reminder to you. Well, now that you heard the truth, what are you planning to do?”

“I-I…”

I couldn’t compose an answer. All these revelations were spilled onto me one after another that my brain couldn’t cope up with it. The instant she turned around, I just thought of something to say. It was not related to the so-called original bullies, but I wanted to express it for I knew that after this day, it’d be too late. I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists.

Dropping my gaze once she advanced her steps away, I cried, “It’s all your fault!”

For the first time, I have the guts to tell her what I wanted. The inner desire of my heart was crying for an apology. The apology which came from the sincerest of her conscience.

“Whether you’re forced to bully me or not, you can’t change the fact that you did all of it! If not for you, this wouldn’t have happened to me! Now after all that you’ve done, you’ll just turn around and casually leave like that!?”

She stopped from her pace to look at me.

“You want me to apologize?”

I didn’t reply because everything was obvious.

She averted her gaze and rebutted, “I won’t do that. All the bad things that I’ve done since the moment I met you was so dreadful that endless apologies aren’t enough. Rather, it’s all better if I keep the guilt to myself.” She placed a hand to her chest and glanced at me, “This remorse in my heart and conscience is my way to atone for it until I grow up and die.”

Her words rendered me speechless with eyes snapped open. She turned her back away from me and stepped ahead, and again she stopped while saying, “I have an idea. Since doing my part on this isn’t enough, I suppose there’s something that you can do.”

She faced my direction and went nearby, and pointed her index finger at me.

“You…” She put her hands down and continued, “Let it all out. I’m sure, that all the hate that you’ve stored in your small box only takes a matter of seconds before it explodes. Say all your expression of hate to me, so that I feel at ease too before leaving. Say it! Let out your rage!”

Intimidated by her yelling, I couldn’t speak up.

She sneered and added. “As I thought, you’re so cowardly to do it. I have enough of this…”

She walked out. Step. Step. Step. On each stride of her feet, she was getting smaller from my vision. She was far away and I was sure that once she was out of my sight, I’d regret this day of having the freedom to shout. Just then, I discarded all my cowardice and told myself to be courageous. There was no room for being scared for she was the one who requested me to speak up. Altogether with the dark clouds shrouding the skies, I cleared my mind while taking a deep breath. I clenched my fists and hollered in rage.

“Huhhh!!!!”

I snapped.

“My life was desolated because of you! Because of all your friends in grade school! I absolutely hate you that I’d wish for you do die in a very painful way! You and your friends ruined my entire life. If I wasn’t exiled, if I wasn’t determined as different, if I wasn’t bullied! Then I could’ve lived a normal life! It’s painful! It’s painful! It’s painful! I’m living this worst life every day!”

The heavy rain started to pour as we stood still. I couldn’t count how many tears I’d shed each time I let everything out. My beads of sweat scattered around whenever I moved, and the gnashing of my teeth kept on reminding me of my ongoing suffering.

“I could’ve seen myself smile from time to time, I could’ve enjoyed hanging out with friends! I could’ve been interested in joining clubs! You took away all the important parts of me! Because of what you’ve done, I lost interest! Because I was hurt every day, I resorted to losing my sense of humanity! So that I won’t feel pain… I locked my emotions away! I couldn’t even tell if I could still continue my meaningless life… Thanks to you, I always feel anxious. I’ve thought of suicide! Not knowing that I’m already dead on the inside…”

While I was yelling from the top of my lungs, all the bad memories that I stored flashed across my sight. The moment when I see them having a scornful laugh, kicking me around, punching me over and over, and calling me with vulgar and irreverent speeches, it was a miracle that I could still hold on. At an early age, I already thought of throwing away my life. I always asked myself if I deserved this. It was all their fault why my misfortune kept on going on. Because I was broken, I lost the will to adapt to society. I couldn’t even bear to see myself in the epitome of success. Nothing good would happen, and one day when all my forms of escapism were done, I have no choice but to arrive at my final destination. The solution of every Japanese individual would be around the corner soon.

Far away, she clenched her fists. Maybe she felt slight guilt towards the message that I had madly delivered. Several seconds of staying still after I stopped, she exited, fully satisfied. I wanted to punch her in the face until she bleeds. I wanted to kick her in the stomach until she falls. I wanted to exact my revenge today by enacting all the abuse that she did to me since grade school. But I’d let it be. For now, I was satisfied by expressing my deep hate towards her entirety. It was enough for her to know that I hate every little part of her, be it either her looks or her personality.

I looked up at the terrible weather and soon told myself that rainy days weren’t so bad. Especially during this period when I was crying. At least, my tears would be washed away by the rain.