At day program, there was this dude, Cedric. He was FtM, and maybe I really don't know why, or maybe I just don't want to admit why, but trans dudes just make me feel fucking empty. Seeing them being out and at least not looking uncomfortable or jittery as hell because of it makes me feel angry and sad and lonely and empty and stupid... it's painful, man. 

I sat by him on Friday, and he let me read this poem he wrote about his gender dysphoria. My day was pretty shit after that. I just don't like thinking about that stuff even though I think about it all the fucking time- I don't like being reminded of it. I dunno, man, but I've felt absolutely disgusted with my body ever since I started... y'know, t h a t. I've gone to school with my tits taped down with boxing tape, I spent 2 years wearing layers and layers of sports bras and being petrified of taking them off. 

My parents don't want me like that, though, so I just keep it to myself. For the family's sake. 

My only solace is crossdressing. It's my escape from my impending womanhood, from all the catcalls and people telling me how "pretty" I am, from my fucking body and from everyone and everything. It feels right, but I can't do that all the time, y'know? People would talk. I'm so terrified of living my whole life out like this, man. Thinking about it feels like falling into a black hole. I'm expected to grow up and get married in a pretty white dress and get pregnant and have a fucking family. Pregnancy has always been one of my worst fears- it's like it confirms that I'm... that. It makes me wanna puke. 

I think I've said too much.