Dear Listener,

I am not who I once was a couple of months ago. You see a couple of months ago I was fragile. A cry baby, and a toxic human being. I was torn in two and struggling to swim to the surface of the sea of drowning emotions. That is not who I am anymore.

You see hanging out with Casta has certainly had an effect as to which Zara remains in control. Casta doesn’t like it when people are mopey and sad around her, it only makes her mad and want to be sad herself. So, she has quite literally forbidden me from ever being sad around her. If I am, she does what she can to cheer me up or she will just leave me to wallow in my own mess.

That being said the angry Zara has been in control ever since.

You see that song by Joan Jett, Bad Reputation has become the anthem to my life. No longer am I fragile or a cry baby, now I am back to being the witch. I have stoned off my heart and thickened my skin. I won’t let anyone too close, never again. I don’t give a damn about what anyone else thinks of me anymore. Or so I tell myself.

I have learned to “love” myself.

More like I have learned to live with myself. I have learned that there is nothing I can do to change how I am or how I react to certain things. And that is okay. If I blow things out of proportion, if I let the anger fester and I explode for no good reason, if I want to be difficult, that is okay…

“I want my own room.” I demanded to my mom as she worked in the “Office”

“Not now Zara I am busy.” She ignored me and went back to crunching numbers.

“You’re always busy.” I narrowed my eyes.

She sighed and turned in the chair to face me.

“I am tired of sleeping on that stupid couch.” I crossed my arms.

“I’m trying sweetheart but I just don’t have the cash right now.”

“Just admit it, you don’t want me here!” I shouted.

“What? No, Zara---”

“All you do is “crunch numbers” well how about spending time with me or doing something for me for once. Aren’t I more important than that stupid club!”

“Zara take a deep breath you need to calm down.”

“Don’t tell me what to do!” I pushed the shelf over and everything fell to the floor.

“Zara that’s enough.” She got up.

“I hate it here, this place sucks! It’s gross and dingy. Even the roaches have a place to sleep!” I kicked a hole in the wall.

“Zara stop.” She tried.

There was a ringing in my ears and I knew I was going to lose it. At this point, it has been four days without my medication. Nothing was stopping me from being the monster I really am. I was irritable any little thing could set me off.

And lost it I did.

I destroyed the tiny house. I knocked over the couch which caused roaches to go scattering. I flipped the table over, I broke the chairs by throwing them at the wall. I threw everything off the counter and destroyed all that I touched.

When I was done I felt awful.

My mother stood covering her mouth, trying hard not to let her sobs escape. Tears streamed down her face.

“I’m sorry.” I tried.

She just backed away from me and shut herself in her room. The house was a complete disaster. I ran to hide out in the hangout.

“You okay?” Casta asked. She was the only one there.

“I don’t know, I just fucked up big. God, I am a wreck.” I ran my hands down my face.

“What happened?” she sat forward.

Casta knows I have issues. I told her about IED and my struggles with it. She also knows I am no longer on my medication. So I told her the truth that I just trashed my mom's house.

“What are you going to do?” she said after I had explained everything.

“I don’t know, but I have to fix it.”

“I can help if you want, it’s not like I got anything else to do.”

“Okay, we need to get to the store and rent some cleaning equipment. I don’t have a car.”

“Lu has one, we can ask him to give us a ride.”

“Okay.” I nodded.

So we walked over to Lu’s house which was across the street and three houses down from mine. You see I still had some money saved up from when I worked at The Bleak. Not much but enough to fix what I broke.

We knocked on the door and a little girl with big curly brown hair ran out giggling. She looked to be around 6 or 7. She was filthy from head to toe and wore what looked like a princess costume. Lu came running after her wearing a knight in shining armor costume.

He was very muscular and pretty much the stereotypical view of a Mexican. He had tattoos on his left arm, a full sleeve. His hair was covered with a bandanna and under his costume, he wore a plain white muscle shirt and baggy pants with chains.

“Estúpida, Que te golpee un coche no me importa.” He shouted after her in Spanish.

“Hey, we sort of need your help. Lu this is Zara.” Casta said to him as he took off his armor.

“Can’t, I’m watching the little one.” He said with an accent.

“She can come too,” I said.

“Come? I wanna come, I wanna come.” She ran back jumping up and down.

Her English was better sounding than his.

“Where are we going?” he asked.

“To the store, I got to get some stuff for my mom’s house. I sort of need a ride. Please.” I smiled at him.

“Tienes suerte tu bonita.” He said to me before turning to head back inside.

I looked to Casta for translation.

“It means yes.” She rolled her eyes.

So we all piled into his beat up pick up truck and drove down to the local Wal-Mart. We walked around the store for a while. I put a new plate set, new chairs, the one you have to put together on your own, and a futon in the cart. Okay, so the futon had to get its own cart. Then I got a bunch of cleaning supplies. Magic erasers, stuff to get rid of roaches, cleaning spray for windows, stuff for cleaning carpet, etc.

“I want it!” Stephanie cried. I found out that was her name.

She was holding a brand new princess costume set, it was in the clearance section left over from Halloween.

“No. Where we gonna get the money from?” he chastised her.

“I’ll buy it,” I said, it was only like 10 bucks.

She squealed and added it to the cart.

“We don’t need handouts.” He took it back out.

“Lu!” she whined.

“It’s fine really, think of it as my way of saying thank you for driving me here.”

He eyed me before eyeing Casta. She shrugged. Then he looked to Stephanie who looked to be on the verge of throwing a fit at any second. Then he sighed and added it to the cart.

All in all, I spent over 500$, which was like half of my savings. I even bought everyone something to eat from McDonald's. I was feeling generous and guilty and wanted to make up for it somehow.

When we got back mom had already left for work.

“Call me when you're ready to take it back.” He said helping us unload.

He was talking about the rented carpet cleaner and vacuum.

“Okay, thanks.”

Then he went home, Steph already ripping the costume out of the package before he even opened the door. When I opened the door to the house Casta gasped at the damage.

“You did this?” she questioned.

“Yeah.” I sighed.

“You?” she looked at me and examined my thin frame.

“Yep.”

“Christ, what are you like... the she hulk?” she asked.

“Not helping.” I snarked.

“Just saying.”

Then we got to work. I went into one of my military cleaning moods. Which was easier with Casta there to help. We moved all the furniture outside and got to work. I covered the hole with duct tape before putting a new wallpaper over it. It was a plain cream-colored wallpaper, but it was better than they yucky green color she had now. Casta helped me, making sure no air bubbles got trapped. Then we vacuumed before cleaning the carpet.

She cleaned all the shattered stuff from the kitchen and got to work on using the magic erasers to clean the walls and crusty stove top. Every time we saw a roach we killed it and threw it out. We cleaned to the sound of hard rock playing in the background.

It took us seven hours to clean everything. The house looked and smelled ten times better on the inside. I even cleaned the furniture and rearranged everything to give it a more spacious feel. Casta put together the chairs for the table while I got to work in the “office”.

I picked up all that looked important and put it in a box. Then everything else got shoved into the closet in a neat order, being as the closet was empty and not in use. Casta came to help me when she was done.

We moved my mom’s desk to the corner of the room and put the bookshelf by it. Then I put together the futon and set it up on the other side of the room. Of course, we cleaned the carpet in there too as well as put new wallpaper. We ended up running out of wallpaper so there is still one wall in the room with that yucky green color but it sort of gives it a nice “designer” feel. Like we did it on purpose.

When we were done it was 2 in the morning and the house almost looked brand spanking new. Casta collapsed on the new futon which I will be sleeping on from now on. I even bought a cheap bed set for it. I laid next to her.

“Next time I’ll know better than to volunteer for you.” She huffed.

“Thank you really, it would have taken me forever to do this alone.” I turned and wrapped my arms around her.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. You owe me now.” She pouted.

“Your wish is my command.” I teased.

She giggled before turning in my arms and letting me spoon her. We fell asleep like that.

My mom came home only an hour later, she was shocked. Completely flabbergasted. It looked like her house, but at the same time, it didn’t. She went into her office/my room now. And found me.

“Zara.” She shook me awake.

“Huh?” I sat up.

Then she engulfed me in a hug.

“I’m guessing you like it?” I asked.

“Oh baby you didn’t have to waste your money on me.” she cried.

“I messed it up, I have to fix it. I put all your stuff in the closet and left what I thought was important on the desk. I also put some of my stuff in the closet. The hole was fixed with duck tape so don’t go poke it.” I said sheepishly.

“This is more than enough. I love you so, so much.” She kissed my forehead.

“Well it wasn’t all me, I had help.” I indicated to Casta.

She waved, still half asleep.

“I’ll have to make it up to you girls. Get some rest, I’ll think of a way to make it up to you.” She kissed my forehead and left the room.

“Mission accomplished,” I said to Casta laying back down.

“Go team.” She yawned and turned over and fell back asleep.

When we got up the next afternoon, I let Casta use our bathroom to take a shower. Lord knows when’s the last time she had one of those. Mom was still asleep so I watched tv. We had a very tiny tv and only basic cable, we couldn’t afford anything else. So I mostly stuck to the news and game shows.

“Zara! I need a towel.” Casta called from the restroom.

“Coming!” I called back.

I grabbed the towel I had used the other night and walked towards the restroom. We hadn’t washed clothes yet, which was next on the agenda.

“Coming in,” I called before opening the door.

She was covering herself with the shower curtain. I blushed and averted my gaze to the ground handing her the towel.

“Why thank you, kind sir.” She said in a fake posh accent.

“Of course my fair lady.” I played along.

Then I quickly got out of there. I don’t really see Casta like that but come on being feet away from a naked girl would affect anyone. You see I think it might be a long while before I am ready for any relationship ever again. I am sort of scarred for life.

Plus Dr. Spinner once told me that I should find myself before I start pandering to anyone else and I think she is right. As always. Being alone has really helped me find myself. Gave me time to think about who I am and what I want. Really.

I have grown, or so I tell myself.

When Casta came out of the restroom she had her hair down. Imagine my shock when I see that it is so long it goes to her mid back! How does she fit all that hair into a beanie? It is like impossible. She was drying it off with a towel.

Also, it is amazing what a shower can do for a person. Seeing her without her usual get up and in my clothes that fit her way better than her usual stuff, hair down, and skin clear, I’ll admit I was speechless. She cleans up really, really, good. Okay so maybe I am lonely. But I don’t want to ruin what I have with Casta because of the void in me. I won’t do it, I need her more as a friend than as anything else.

She caught me staring and laughed.

“What you thought I was bald?”

“Well, sort of. Definitely didn’t think you had that much hair!”

“No one has ever seen me like this, feel honored.” She teased.

“You’re pretty, you should wear it down more,” I said honestly.

She blushed.

“Don’t count on it.” She sat next to me on the couch.

“Just a suggestion.” I shrugged.

“Well I have one, you should switch to contacts, you have pretty eyes.” She nudged me.

“So I’ve been told.”

“Oh yeah by who?”

I thought of Rose then and my chest ached. You see I have been doing whatever I can to stay away from thoughts of Rose. She hurt me, but more than that, I still love her. Even after everything. What I wouldn’t do to see her one more time.

“By no one.”

She must have sensed the change in my mood because she wrapped her arm around me in a buddy fashion. I looked at her.

“So, I figured out how you are going to repay me.” she changed the subject.

“How?”

“Well, how do you feel about stealing?”