So, 2 episodes ago I discussed my "trans feels"

Heres the thing. I can't be trans; I cant be a dude. I know that now because I've attempted to come out in the past. I was met with the support of counselors, but disgust by family and "friends." I was uncomfortable with the disapproval so I went back into the closet. Repeat 3 times, and here we are today. "Lesbian" is just what I've had to settle with. It sucks but it's where I'm at. I just get more and more scared every day. Scared of myself- I don't feel normal when I have these fucked up thoughts. Every night when I'm lying in bed they just come up and don't die down or go away. I cry and then I feel like even more of a little bitch. 

Examples:

"You? You're fucked. You'll never be a man. All you'll ever be is just a nervous dyke- it's disgusting that you even think the way you do." 

"God, your future's gonna suck. You'll get a husband who you don't love, just to make your family and "friends" happy. You'll get pregnant and hide your truly crippling depression and constant death wish, but pretend to be happy about it so nobody thinks there's something wrong with you. Then you'll probably do meth and shoot yourself in the head because you just couldn't stand it. You give way too many fucks, man." 

"Why was I born like this? God must really hate me, if he even exists at all. He probably doesn't- if he did, he wouldn't have fucked me over like he has. How am I expected to "just believe" when he neglected to match my body and my fucking mind? I don't think that's too much to ask of an all powerful God, right?"

"You will never be happy. It's either satisfy yourself and make everyone else uncomfortable as hell, or satisfy everyone else and suffer in fucking silence. It's not going to happen."

*flashbacks to my first bra, first period and my mother trying to make me be "happy" about that shit*

So yeah. That's basically what goes through my head at night. I don't really know what I can do right now, but I guess I'll just have to get through.