Dear Listener,

Blythe went home yesterday. Sadly. I already miss her. I tried to write a letter to Rosey yesterday but I chickened out and threw it away. I don’t know what is wrong with me, why she is still haunting me even now? I just wish... I don’t even know what I wish for. I want it to stop hurting so much.

“Come to the hangout with me,” Casta said.

“You sure? There isn’t exactly Wi-fi in the hangout.” I indicated to her tablet which she hasn’t put down since she got it.

“I just, want to show you something,” Her face got red from blush.

“Okay…” I dragged out the word.

All good things must come to an end. That is what I will live my life by from this day forward. I should have known Casta was going to try something after Blythe being here. I could sense it, she was different around me. She was no longer satisfied with being in the friend zone, she wanted more. Even though she knew where I stood with my love life. Even though she knew I wasn’t ready. She made her play anyways.

I had followed her to the hangout. We were the only ones there, it was too hot that day, no one dared step foot in that oven.

“Christ, it’s hot,” I complained taking off my flannel and only wearing my tank top.

“I’m gonna sell some of our spoils online to get money for gas for the generator. Then we can turn the A.C on.” She said.

“Well, what do you want to show me?” I asked.

She grabbed my hand and led me over to the stalls, specifically lucky number 3. We stood there for a moment, I knew what she wanted. I sighed.

“No,” I said.

“Why not?” she asked.

“Casta, I already told you. I’m not ready.”

“You were ready enough to have sex with Blythe. I heard you” She snapped.

“That’s different.”

“Why!?” tears welled up in her eyes.

“I can’t believe this, I can’t believe you are doing this to me right now.” I turned away from her.

“I love you!” she cried.

“Damn it!” I shouted knocking over a pile of dumbbells.

“Zara, please.”

“Why!? Why can’t I just be normal, why can’t I just have normal problems? I don’t want to lose you or ruin what we have. Please don’t do this to me.” I cried.

“Fine, be that way.” She stormed off.

“Where are you going!” I shouted after her.

“I’m going home.”

“No your not.” I chased after her.

“Why not? It’s what I deserve.”

“Stop it.” I grabbed her by the wrist.

“Let go of me. I knew it was a mistake to get close to you. I knew it was too good to be true. He’s right about me, all I do is scare people away.” She sobbed.

“Stop it!” I cried.

She snatched her wrist away.

“No!” I cried and grabbed her by the waist.

“Let me go.”

“I’m not gonna lose you over this. I need you. I can’t do this without you.”

“Please just stop.”

I knew I was going to make a mistake. I knew that I was so desperate to have a friend in my corner that I was going to give her what she wanted. I couldn’t imagine her going home to be beaten because of me. I couldn’t imagine my life where I had no one once more. I was scared. I was desperate for a friend. 

I was weak.

I twirled her around and I kissed her. She gasped into my mouth. I sobbed into hers. I wasn’t ready, not even close. I thought of Rose’s words then. About how she told me I was controlling, that I made her feel like a puppet in a sick game because I was unable to let things go. That I cling to them like a hoarder, obsessed with having that thing in my life.

I felt the impact of her words all over again. They were true. I wasn’t going to lose Casta over a stupid crush. Our friendship was special and there was no one in the world who got me better than she did. I wasn’t going to spend a whole summer away from her. I wanted her in my life, and if that was the only way to do it, then that was what I was going to do.

I kissed her again and again. She wrapped her arms around my neck. I was so angry, at myself for being weak, at Casta for putting me in that situation, even at Blythe for showing up out of nowhere and making Casta feel like she had to do this.

When I pulled back she was slightly confused, but I grabbed her by the shirt and dragged her back to lucky number 3. I kicked the door open and pushed her in then I locked the door behind us. Her face was red from blush. She sat on the toilet, which was closed.

I took my anger out on her through sex.

I forced her to stand up, turned her around and yanked her shorts down, they fell around her ankles. Then I yanked down her underwear. She swallowed loudly. I wrapped myself around her from behind, using one hand to tease her between her legs and the other traveled up her shirt and squeezed her breast.

“Zara.” She whimpered.

“Tell me what you want me to do to you,” I whispered into her ear.

“I—I want you.”

“Yeah? Want me to what?”

“Fuck me.” she shuddered as I blew my breath on her neck.

I pulled her shirt over her head and tossed it to the ground. Then I unhooked her bra with my teeth and pulled it off her.

“I’m gonna be rough with you,” I warned.

“Please, just fuck me.”

“If you ever want me to stop just say so.”

“Zara, please.” She begged.

I undid my own shorts and let them fall to the ground along with my underwear. I then stepped out of them and kicked them to the side. Casta took my shirt off for me, her lips roaming my skin as I got ready to have her. She unlatched my bra and kissed my breast.

“Ready?” I asked pushing her off to look her in the eyes.

She nodded.

Then I hoisted her up and sat her on my thigh, we leaned against the stall door. She was light as a feather being as she is so freaking thin. It was easy for me to support her weight. I used both of my hands to grab her butt and force her to grind on me, while I ground into her being as her leg was between mine.

She wrapped her arms around me and buried her head into the crook of my neck.

“Oh! yes!” she moaned.

I rammed into her harder, breathing like a wild animal. The stall door shook and creaked and rattled as we banged against it. I bit down hard on her collar bone, causing her to moan loudly. She dug her nails into my back, breaking the skin.

“Oh god, I’m close.” I moaned into her skin.

We were dripping sweat being as it was so freaking hot in there. It caused her to grind easier into me being as we were so slippery.

“Don’t stop.” She moaned.

“Ah! Casta! I can’t, I’m gonna, oh! Fuck!” my body shook beneath her.

I can tell she wasn’t satisfied so I set her down and got on my knees in front of her. I bit down on her clit causing her to jolt. Then I sucked it into my mouth. She gasped and her knees shook. I stuck my middle finger in her and started fucking her that way. She cried out in pleaser so loud it echoed off the walls in the whole bunker.

Her hips bucked into my face and she struggled to remain standing as she clung to the door for support.

“Zara! Somethings, coming! I—ah!” she orgasmed. She whole body shook and she had to use my head for support. Her legs shook in pleasure, but I didn’t stop. I pulled my finger out and continued to eat her out.

“AH! Zara! I can’t, I’m sensitive.” She mewed.

I didn’t stop.

She came again. This time her legs did give out and she pushed my head away as she slid down to the floor. I grabbed her by the chin and forced her to kiss me. Letting her taste herself on my mouth.

She opened her mouth and our tongues fought for dominance. While we were doing that she stuck two fingers in me. I jolted in pleasure, she fingered me and I ground my hips into her hand until I got off a second time.

By the time we were finished, we were a sweaty hot mess on the floor. We were breathing as if we had run a triathlon. She rested against the door, her body still trembling every time she tried to move.

“Sorry, I’m a light weight,” I said to her.

“Huh?”

“I get worked up easy, sorry.”

“I hardly noticed.” She giggled.

“Honestly this is the grossest place I’ve had sex in, and Blythe and I almost did it in a supply closet at school once.”

“It was the only place I could think of.” She said.

“Well it is lucky I guess.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” She said still trying to catch her breath.

“Things aren’t going to weird between us are they?” I asked.

“Only if you make it weird.”

“We aren’t dating.” I made that clear.

She frowned at me.

“We can be friends with benefits if you want, but I’m not ready for a relationship.”

“Why not? You and I go so perfectly. We are like two peas in a pod. We literally finish each other’s sentences sometimes.”

“There is someone else I still love, I think about her every day. I cry about her every night. It wouldn’t be fair to you, or to Blythe. I just can’t right now. I’m still hurting on the inside.”

She crawled over to me and cuddled up next to me. I wrapped my arms around her.

“Just give me a chance, I can make you forget all about her.”

“I wish that were true.”

“Please. Zara, I know I can make you happy.”

“Casta.”

“Let me prove it to you.” She begged.

“I’m just scared I am going to end up losing you too.” I felt my tears well up.

“No. never.” She leaned in and kissed me. I kissed her back.

I didn’t feel any spark with her. Not like I felt with Blythe or with Rose. There wasn’t this special feeling in me that told me she was the one. In fact, the only thing I did feel was fear, fear that I was going to lose someone I cared deeply for, because I didn’t love her the way she wanted me too.

“Casta if we do this, I have to ask something big of you.” I pulled back.

“Anything.”

“Don’t say that until you hear me out. I want to be in an open relationship.”

She gave me a confused look.

“I don’t want us to be exclusive. I want to be able to be with Blythe too. I love her.”

“You want to have two girlfriends?”

“No, I don’t want Blythe to be my girlfriend again, not yet. I am just saying I want to be able to have sex with her whenever she comes to see me. I want an open relationship.”

“I don’t know.” She looked down as she thought about it.

“I’m not ready to commit yet, even if we are exclusive I’ll probably end up cheating on you. This way we have trust, this way I won’t feel like I have to hide anything from you. This way allows us to have a stronger relationship in a way. But only if you want it.”

“Okay.” She agreed.

“Really?” I looked at her.

She nodded and smiled. I smiled back and kissed her.

I know I have forced her into something she doesn’t want. I know that I am hurting her. I know that I am taking advantage and am once again trying to have my cake and eat it too. But I couldn’t help it. I wanted her in my life, but I also want the freedom to find myself.

I know this will all turn out horrible. If past experience has taught me anything, but I also know that through the bad will come something good. Be it a real relationship full of love, or a new relationship, or maybe both. I don’t know what’s coming, but I know I won’t have to face it alone.

“Let’s get out of here before I melt,” I said standing up.

“k.” I helped her up.

We got dressed and headed back to my house. We reeked of sweat so we shared a shower, my mom was already at work by then. Then we went to my room and laid down, she showed me the drawings she has been doing on her tablet. All of them were of me. Each one was so beautiful that I questioned if it was really me in those drawings.

I didn’t look like that captivating girl in the drawing. I wasn’t breathtakingly beautiful like she made me out to be. There was no way that girl was me.

“Tell me of her.” She demanded.

“Hmm?” I scrolled through the art.

“Of Rose.” She played with my hair, using her elbow to prop herself up.

“No.”

“You have to talk about it or it will eat you alive.”

“I’m not ready yet.”

“You’ll never be ready. You have to face it.”

I set the tablet down and stared off into nothing.

“If I was Rose what would you say to me right now?” she scooted closer and wrapped her arms around me, using her finger to twirl my shirt in her hands.

“Why? Why did you say those things? Was it really that bad? Was all of it just a big nightmare for you? Why? Why didn’t you tell me before, why didn’t you ever say anything to me? Why!?” I felt tears welling up.

“Just get it out.” She rubbed my arm.

“I’d tell her I’m sorry. I’d say I never meant to hurt you. She probably would just start crying and tell me to go away.” I sobbed.

“I got you, Zara, I won’t let you fall into that dark chasm anymore.”

I turned into her arms and I cried. I cried like a baby and I sobbed Rose’s name. She hurt me, she cut me real deep. All I can think about is how angry she looked, how she spat those words at me with venom and hatred.

She let me know how I made her feel. She let me know that every day with me was a nightmare. That she couldn’t love me because I was a monster to her. If she was a beauty I was the beast, a beast so controlling and broken that I tried to break her too.

And maybe I did break her.

For all I know she has already moved on and is living her happily ever after with Shanda, or maybe she broke up with Shanda and already has someone new. Maybe it’s a guy. Maybe she’ll forget about the whole thing. Forget I ever existed, just wipe me away from her memories.

Next time we see each other, if there ever is a next time, I bet she won’t even know who I am. She will just pass me by as if I was just like everyone else. And maybe I am to her.

But to me she isn’t everyone else, she is the girl who owns my broken heart.