“I’ll be back,” I called out.

“Where you going?” mom asked.

“On a date with Allen.” I lied.

“Be safe, you have your permit?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t get into a wreck, drive slow, and don’t hit anything. Please, Rosey.” She begged.

“I’ve been practicing, relax.” I grab the keys to your old car, my car now.

“I won’t relax until you are back in one piece.” She said.

“Bye, mom.” I shut the door and rolled my eyes.

She is too much sometimes. No wonder why you always felt smothered by her. Ugh, she really needs to take it down like five notches.

I got in the car and pulled up google maps, then reversed out, hitting the curb in the process.

*Ding*

I looked at the new message on my phone.

It was from Allen. He wanted me to meet him later. Yeah right, thank you but next. I swiped the message away.

It took me about half an hour to get there. no cars were in the driveway but I could see lights on in the house. It was dark out, the sun setting. I swallowed my fear and stepped out of the car, in the process I stepped on a piece of paper.

It was crumbled into a ball, I glanced over at the trash bag by the curb, it was torn and I am pretty sure this came from there. I unfurled it and read it.

Dear Rosey,

It was for me. It was your handwriting, I recognized it. You were going to send me a letter but chickened out. After I read the whole thing my heart leaped into my throat. How was I supposed to approach you after that?

I paced in circles for a bit until someone noticed me.

“You lost homey?” he asked.

He looked terrifying like he was gonna call his gang to come beat me up or something.

“Uh, nope, thank you.”

“Who you looking for chica?”

“Uh, no one.”

“My friend lives there homegirl. If you is planning something I wouldn’t if I was you. la chica esta loca”

“Huh?” what the heck was he saying? Was that even English?

“He says she’s crazy, leave her alone.” Some other guy said coming out of his house with the trash.

He had an afro and is dark skinned.

“Oh.” Was all I said.

“Esta chica es un idiota.” The first guy said. Whatever that means.

The second guy started laughing.

“What? What did he say?” I asked.

“Nothing. Look either you go and knock or we call the cops.”

“Seriously, can’t you just leave me alone? I’m not doing anything.”

“Well, you look shady as hell with your rich clothes and your nice car.” A girl stepped out of her garage, she had on cowboy boots and a camo hat.

“I just need a second!” I shouted.

I heard the door behind me open and I froze.

“What’s all the commotion? Zara’s trying to sleep.” A girl said. She wasn’t you.

I sighed in relief.

Wait. Who is she and how did she know you were sleeping? Why was she in your house?

I turned to her, it was the same girl from the mall except she looked way different now. Her hair was up in a beanie and I am pretty sure she had a sunburn going on, in fact, all the people I talked to looked a little sunburnt.

“Get out of here.” The girl narrowed her eyes at me.

“Who are you?”

“That doesn’t matter to you. Get out of here, I know who you are. She doesn’t want to see you.”

“I think I can find that out for myself.” I walked towards the door, she blocked the way.

“Kick her ass!” camo hat girl called.

The guys snickered.

“Please, I just want to talk to her.”

“Why? So you can shatter her again. You have no idea the damage you’ve done to her. I won’t let you hurt her anymore.”

I took a step towards the house, she took a step towards me. my heart was hammering in my chest. No way did I want to fight that girl.

“Casta? What are you doing?” I heard you walking towards the door.

Just like before I froze up. All I could think was, what do I do? What do I say? Why did I come here again?

“Zara don't,” Casta warned, but you pushed past her, and our eyes met.

“Rosey? What are you doing here?” you said.

“I—I don’t know,” I admitted.

I watched your eyes travel to the car.

“I can drive now.” I supplied.

“Oh, um that’s cool.” You forced.

“I should go.” I turned to leave.

“No!” You called out to me not just with your voice but with your soul. I felt it reaching for me, it was so strong I gasped out loud.

I didn’t turn to look at you. How could I face you after everything?

“Zara you don’t have to do this.” That Casta girl said.

I wanted to push her, to snap her head off and tell her to shut up. She had no idea what you needed.

“Yes, I do.”

My heart lodged itself deep into my throat.

“I’ll go to lu’s come get me when you're done,” Casta said.

I turned and watched as she kissed you right on the lips. You kissed her back. The crack in my heart deepened.

Casta bumped my shoulder as she walked by, she gave me the nastiest look ever. A shiver of fear ran down my spine. Then it was just me and you.

“Come in.” you stepped aside.

I walked into your new home. It was nothing like our house. The carpet looked rough, the walls looked fake and made of wallpaper. The couch was old and sunk in. The chairs didn’t match the table.

“Is that your girlfriend?” I asked moving to sit on the couch.

“Sort of.”

I raised an eyebrow at you.

“It’s complicated. I don’t really have feelings towards her but she loves me. I guess that makes me the same shitty person right? That’s what you called me. We are in an open relationship.” You crossed your arms and looked at a spot on the wall. Something you always do when you are trying not to cry.

“Oh.” Was all I could think to say.

“Blythe was just here yesterday. We are broken up, but that is also complicated. I guess my life is just a complicated mess. Nothing has changed with me. I am still a monster.”

“Zara about what I said that day---”

“Every word was true and you know it. Don’t come in here and lie to me and say you didn’t mean it. I know you did, you can’t just say those things out of nowhere. I know they came from a place inside of you. I know that is how you really felt about me. I know that now.” You took a shaky breath, I watched a tear escape.

What the hell was I doing? I wasn’t ready to face you.

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” I said.

“Why are you here Rose, why did you come?” you swallowed down a sob.

I wanted to go to you and embrace you. I wanted you to kiss me on the forehead and hold me close. I wanted to look into those deep green eyes and get lost like I have so many times before. I wanted to kiss you and love you, but I also wanted to yell at you.

I wanted to set you straight once and for all. I wanted you to know that even though I hurt you, you hurt me more. That just thinking of you hurts me. I want you to know that what you did to me was wrong. What you are doing to that other girl right now is wrong. Why are you like this? Why can’t you just ever be satisfied?

“If you aren’t going to say anything then just leave!” you shouted, more tears spilled over.

I swallowed my heart and stood to face you. You looked scared like I was a judge about to sentence you to life in prison depending on the verdict.

How can I heal you when I haven’t even healed myself? You are asking for too much and unwilling to give back that much in return. Just like always.

I opened my mouth to say something but all that came out was a pained sob. There was nothing left to say between us and you know it. Anything we have to say now would only hurt each other even more.

You wiped my tears for me causing me to look at you. You were crying a lot. You weren’t wearing your glasses so I could see those sparkling eyes. I know you wanted to say something but it wouldn’t come out. I forced you into an embrace and hold you in my arms one last time.

You cried into my shoulder and wrapped your arms around me. Breathing in your scent brings back so many memories. I took a staggered breath and cried into your chest. I hurt you, I hurt you so badly, but you hurt me too. It’s like a sword has been stabbed into my back and out my heart and into your heart and out your back. Impaling both of us together.

The way you cried is like none I’ve heard before. It was so painful to listen to. You cried as if you had literally lost someone like they are gone forever. You cried as if you just found out you only had a day left to live. You cried in a soft short burst of whimpering. Your whole body trembling, your jaw quivering, like one touch and you could blow away in the wind, ashes to ashes. I died a little on the inside having to listen to it.

You pulled back after a few minutes.

“Please, just go.” You sobbed.

I nodded, afraid my voice would give away how much I was truly hurting.

I slowly backed away and you watched me. When I reach the door I heard a sob escape.

“I’m sorry.” I forced myself to say.

You burst into more sobs and then ran into your room, shutting the door behind you. I could hear you collapse on the floor in a fit. I ran out of there.

I got into the car and drove home, crying the whole way. My tears clouded my vision and I had to drive slower just to stay safe. When I got home I ran upstairs, ignoring my mom and ran into your room. I grabbed your pillow and I cried into it.

I cried so hard my body went numb and it felt like tiny needles were pricking me all over my face. I could picture you, laying on the floor crying. Wondering where it all went wrong for us.

“Rosey baby, what’s wrong. Talk to me.” she ran in to comfort me.

But who is going to comfort you? You're all alone. I left you alone. Fear shot through me. What if you tried to hurt yourself? Or worse.

“Did Allen break up with you? Rosey may?”

I got up and pushed past my mom grabbing the keys once more. I ran outside and got back into the car. Then I drove back.

The door was still unlocked when I got there. the lights were still on. I ran in and I sighed in relief when I could still hear you crying in your room.

You are alive.

You are okay.

I ran over to your room door and swung it open.

You were curled up in a ball, you looked up at me in shock, wondering why I came back. I ran to you and I embraced you. The shock made you stop crying.

I wiped your face with my thumb and held you close to me. You had to take staggered breaths as I rocked you in my arms.

I won’t leave you like that ever again.

You still need me, and maybe I still need you too.

I let my finger absently trace circles on your arm. Holding you tighter. We sat there silently for a while until I could feel you starting to nod off in my arms. I forced you up off the floor and moved you to the bed. I laid you down and moved to leave.

You caught my wrist.

“No,” you said.

I nodded and laid next to you, wrapping my arms around you.

“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” I assured you.

I could feel you relax in my arms. I traced circles on the back of your hand until you fell asleep in my embrace. Then I grabbed my phone and told mom I won’t be back tonight that I was staying with a friend and that yes Allen did break up with me, I just needed space.

I didn’t even feel guilty about lying to her.

Then I curled up next to you and fell asleep too.

Crying always tires me out.