Warning detailed mentions of panic attacks suicidal thoughts and self harm read at your own discretion

I'm not fine I'm not okay I wish I could be honest and say those words out loud but instead I lie and say that I'm fine and I'm okay even though I know I'm not I wish I could say I'm not fine I'm not okay

I'm not fine I'm not okay but I don't want others to know how fragile I am how fragile the one in my mind makes me she always hurts me when I'm at my weakest point like when my brother's car broke down in the middle of the road and we couldn't get it to start I was scared I didn't know what we would do and I started to panic and all could hear was her voice in my mind again I was scared and afraid I didn't want to have a panic attack in front of my oldest brother because I didn't know what he would think I didn't want him to see I was scared I want to cry but i didn't want him to see my weakness because she told me he wouldn't understand so I tried I tried to shut her out but before I could words slipped out of my mouth I never wanted to say again will someone please just kill me I can't deal with this those words takes me back to places in my past I want to forget when family constantly fought with one another and I would cry in a corner and listen to them scream at each other with tears running down my face struggling to breathe and I would dig nails into my skin because I wanted to be in control of the pain and I would beg I would beg for someone to kill me please just kill me I can't deal with this I didn't want to live like that but the one in my mind she knows all my weaknesses she knows how to make me remember things I want to forget because she lives in my mind and my dad and our other brother came to help us get the car started when we got home everybody asked me if I was okay if I was fine and I know wasn't but I lied honestly don't know why I did I wish  could have told them I'm not fine I'm not okay