Dear Rosey,

131, that is how many drawings Casta has of me. Most of them are tiny sketches of my face from different angles with different expressions. Some are of my whole body. There was even a few with my naked body, laying on a bed, just staring blankly into nothingness. It was scary how accurate my eyes always look.

My favorite is one where I am sitting on a couch staring at the wall. My body is in a curled-up position, my face has a dark unreadable expression. This one I think captures me the best. I can tell she took her time on it, there are a few smudges of lead and fingerprints on the paper. I can see where she erased my face several times before settling on this expression. I can feel where her hand pressed down harder in areas, and hardly touched the paper in others. I could stare at it all day.

“Like it?” she asked, she was playing with her tablet again while I was going through her sketchbook.

“I don’t know,” I said.

She frowned and sat up.

“It’s my favorite.” I went on.

“So, you do like it?” she said confused.

“It’s my favorite not because I think it’s the prettiest one, but because it feels the most accurate to me. Looking at it makes me feel queasy inside.” I explained.

“Hmm, that’s kind of what I was going for.”

“Yeah?”

“I wanted one where I captured what I thought your inner self looked like. What she does to hide her pain. Look.” She hopped off the futon and joined me on the floor.

“I put her on a couch because I wanted to show that she was comfortable with where she was, but not too comfortable that she could sit relaxed. Plus, you always stare at the wall when you are trying to swallow down your emotions. So, I wanted her staring at the wall. But because she is staring at the wall, she is missing how beautiful it is outside.” She pointed to the window in the picture, it showed a pretty scenery.

“She holds herself because she thinks no one else will,” I went on. “she thinks that this room is her whole world, but if she would just look, she could see. There is more. She is trying not to cry and be angry at the same time. she stares at the wall because she is afraid she will catch her reflection in the window.” I finished.

My chest tightened the longer I stared at it.

“You want it?” she asked.

“No,” I whispered.

“I see, maybe I did my job too good then huh.”

“You’re amazing. All of these are so good. You should enter this one into a contest. I bet you could win.” I handed her back the drawing.

“I don’t know, these are okay but I don’t think they are finished works.” She sighed.

“Casta come on, these are amazing. I bet you could even get into an art college on a full ride if you tried hard enough.”

“You really think so?”

“Yes.” I placed my hand on top of hers.

“Maybe I’ll enter in just to humor you.” She smirked.

“Do it, I’d love to rub in your face once you see I’m right,” I said.

“I bet you would.” She teased

I just smiled at her and kissed her on the cheek.

“There’s one more I want you to see.” She got up.

“Yeah?”

“It’s not done yet, but I want your opinion on it.” She dug through another bag and pulled out a different sketch pad.

She walked back over to me and sat down before flipping to the drawing. I gasped when I saw it. It was me, standing in the lake naked. The lake reflected the night sky and was full of stars. My arms were crossed covering my body, and my expression wasn’t drawn in yet. But there I stood amongst the stars, just like I was one of them.

“Well? Is it too much?”

I was speechless. I let my fingers lightly trail across the paper.

“Zara?”

“Casta, it’s perfect. I—I—I don’t even know what to say. My god, how could you know?” I wondered aloud.

“Know what?”

“The stars, why did you put the stars?” I needed to know.

“Well because stars are a funny thing. Depending on how you look at them, they can be balls of light, but I like to think they are like people in a way. Lots of lonely people.” She cocked her head as she looked at the drawing.

I felt my eyes water. She got it, she got something no one else did. She saw it the way I saw it. My heart felt like it was going to burst inside of me. She truly is my soul mate.

She looked at me and frowned moving the drawing away.

“Is that stupid?” she asked, I could hear the vulnerability in her voice.

“No.” I smiled, then I grabbed her face and I kissed her. She sighed into the kiss and deepened it.

“Girls I’m ordering take out, want anything?” mom walked in ruining the moment.

She cleared her throat when I wouldn’t let Casta break away.

I finally released her lips with a soft kissing sound.

“Um,” Casta giggled, her face red, “yeah sorry. Um what did you ask again?” she said dazed and giggling.

“Food? You want some?” mom smiled at us and waved her phone around to make a point.

“Yeah, anything is fine,” Casta said.

“Same,” I added.

“Okay. Behave you two.” She winked at me.

I felt my face flame up.

“Okay, mom.” I groaned when she still hadn’t left the room.

She smiled and then walked out.

“Casta lets have a movie night tonight. Just you and me and tubs of ice cream, what do you say?” I grabbed her hands into my own.

“Sounds wonderful.” She smiled.

It has only been two days since Casta officially moved in. Yesterday was like adjustment day. I rearranged the small room so that Casta could get equal space. She was out of it most of the day, I think she was in shock or something. We mostly just watched videos on YouTube and cuddled in the bed.

Today however she was back to her usual self. She hung some of her art on the wall, opting out of the ones with me in them, I guess she thought it was creepy or something. I didn’t mind. Then I started going through all her art, which led us back to this moment.

“I’m guessing your mom likes us dating?” Casta giggled.

“Oh she more than likes it, she is secretly your biggest fan. She is rooting for you to win in the end I think. Not that it’s a competition or anything. You get my point.”

“I see. Then I guess bonus points for me. not that it’s a competition or anything.” She teased.

“You still okay with being in an open relationship?” I asked on a serious note.

“Do I have a choice?” she shrugged.

“Casta, of course, you have a choice.”

“Well, I don’t want to lose you. And if trying to force you to be exclusive is going to do that then I’m not going to do it.”

I sighed and wrapped my arms around her.

“I don’t want to lose you either,” I said.

“So I guess it depends on who puts their foot down first. Me or you.”

“Let's just stay like this for now. Not mess with it until it becomes a problem.”

“Okay.” She agreed.

I sighed again and kissed her on the neck.

After we ate sushi take out and my mom went to work, we set up the living room for a marathon of movies. We laid out blankets and prepared snacks, then we picked out some old movies my mom had on DVD. Which basically consisted of old 80’s movies.

After the third movie, we weren’t really watching anymore. we were just laying together and holding each other.

“Does it hurt?” she ran her thumb across my lip, which still had stitches.

“Not as much as my face does when I move my jaw too much, I fractured my cheekbone. The doctor said I could go back in a couple of days to remove the stitches.”

“I’m sorry he did this to you.” She frowned.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’d take a punch for you any day.”

“You’re crazy you know that. I’ve never seen anyone try and fight my dad like you did,” she smirked.

“What can I say, he angered my inner she-hulk.” I teased.

“Shut up.” She playfully pushed me.

I giggled.

“Tell me something.” She wrapped her arms around me and forced me to be the little spoon.

“Emm?”

“What are your dreams, like where do you see yourself in 10 years?”

“Hmm, I don’t know. I never really thought I’d make this far.”

“Well, what would you want to do? What are your passions?”

“Well, I like writing. Sort of. I also like reading. Maybe I’ll be a librarian.” I snorted.

“You’d be the hottest librarian ever.”

“What about you?”

“I’d obviously have my own art gallery. Millions would come to see my work. I’d be rich, and so posh you wouldn’t even recognize me.”

“Yeah right, you’d never be posh.” I laughed.

“How dare you.” She said in a posh accent.

I turned in her arms and forced her into a tickle war. We rolled around on the floor until we were out of breath from laughing so hard. Then I kissed her. Yes, it hurt to laugh and kiss, but it was a good pain. Like the kind Blythe talked about.

Then one thing led to another, soon we were naked on the floor. We had to be careful in the way we moved both of us were bruised pretty badly. Also, I couldn’t use my face that much, so we mostly just used our hands to limit the amount of pain we were in. When we were done we shared a shower.

“How do you feel about getting a job?” I asked her as we laid in bed ready to go to sleep.

“Why?”

“Well I was thinking about trying to get another job, I sort of need money for a car. Plus, with money, we could do so much more together. We could go on dates and buy gifts for each other. Once we turn 18 and graduate, we could even get a place together if you would like.”

“Hmm, okay. I guess. When you put it that way.”

“We could drive wherever we wanted. Let the road lead the way. Just you and me, radio blasting, sun shining.”

“When did you become a dreamer?” she giggled.

“I don’t know... since I met you I guess. You make me feel like I can do anything.”

“You make me feel the same.”

I didn’t say anything after that, I just snuggled into her embrace. We fell asleep like that.

The next day we took my moms car and went job hunting. We didn’t want to go to the mall since Casta is a regular thief there, so we went to this shopping strip instead. We walked up and down the strip and then went a little closer to home applying to food places and small retail stores. We also applied to the public library, though I doubt they will hire us.

Afterward, we came home and rested, I made us some sandwiches and we watched games shows on tv with my mom who took the day off. Nothing eventful happened.

I have been off my meds for a while and it kind of surprises me how much of the same I am. Sure I have an episode everyone once in a while, and yes I do use sex to hide from my stress, but mostly it is still the same me.

I have control over it, mostly. In fact, just being here away from my dad I have found that my life, in general, has become a lot less stressful. I don’t get angry all the time, I am not constantly on the verge of depression. I don’t have to hide who I am or who I love. I can be me and my mom will love me all the same.

I am free to finally express myself. I don’t have to second guess every little thing I do and wonder if my dad will approve or not. All of my days pass by more smoothly. I am having more and more days where I am just normal, just like everyone else. I am pretty sure that has to do with who is around me as well.

My mom and Casta are great at keeping me from blowing my top. They always know what to say or do to calm me down or distract me from my anger. Whereas my dad would always say the wrong thing, always set me off. They don’t see me as a girl with a problem like my dad did, they see as just a girl. Just a normal girl.

I wonder if the worst has passed. If all my dark days are finally behind me now. I hope that they are, I am ready to move on. I want to leave them behind and finally be free of my curse. 

In ten years I want to be happy.

I want all the people I love to be in my life. You, Blythe, Casta, my mom. Even all the hangout kids. I want us to be friends forever. To always be there for each other when we need to. To have each other’s back and take punches for each other. I want everyone to be happy. Is that too much to ask for?

I’ve always been an optimist at heart.