Dear Rosey,

You put me in a tough spot. An unwinnable predicament. I was forced to choose. Something I am not good at.

It was because you were such a threat that Blythe and Casta teamed up. It was no longer everyone for themselves, it was not 2 on 1. They wanted you out of my life for good. They want me to move on and forget about you. They would rather share me with each other than bare the thought that I could leave both of them just to be with you.

“Well I just thought maybe we could hang out today, I mean I’m not doing anything.” You explained.

You and I were standing off and away from everyone else as my mom cleared the table. You moved some of your hair behind your ear and wouldn’t look me in the eyes. It was adorable. You were trying to seem civil, but you basically started world war z. You couldn’t see it because you had your back to them, but Casta and Blythe were trying to shoot lasers out of their eyes and incinerate you.

“I would love that, but Blythe came down to visit. Plus, Casta is off work. I can’t just ditch them.” I shifted awkwardly.

“Oh. Yeah, you’re right. Sorry, I shouldn’t have come.” You backed up.

“No.” I grabbed your hands and held you in place.

You did look to me then, with those dazzling blue eyes. I melted on the inside. I could stay like that forever. I wanted to kiss you right then and there just for looking so beautiful. You smiled at me when we stood there too long without saying anything. I smiled back. It was a soft smile, an admission I am sure you could read very clearly. I am in love with you and will never let you go.

Then you just hugged me. burying your head into my chest. I wrapped my arms around you and rested my head on top of yours. I couldn’t help but take a deep breath and breathe in your scent. I wondered then if you were missing me just as much as I was missing you.

I had gotten used to you. Used to waking up and seeing you right across the hall. Hearing your giggles and catching your sideways glances. I missed hearing you sing softly in the shower, or groan when you got stuck on a math problem. I missed the face you make when you go for a snack and someone has already eaten what you wanted. I missed everything about you.

Blythe scoffed and rolled her eyes at us.

“Please Zara, I want to see you. I want to spend time with you and catch up on your life. Please.” You begged, whispering into my chest.

“You know I can’t resist you,” I whispered the admission.

You held me tighter.

The way you held me made me feel like you were holding me together. Keeping the shattered pieces of my life that I tried to ignore from falling out of place. I knew that once you let go I would have to face reality again. I knew everything would be off, that the pain I ignore would be back full force. I would be reminded of the fact that we were broken. That my dad can’t even look at me or listen to my voice. That Melissa didn’t like me because I tainted her daughter. That my old life was like a minefield and one false step back would explode everything wide open again.

You slowly pulled away as if you understood how fragile your touch always makes me. You looked into my eyes and out of instinct I leaned in, you pulled back quickly before our lips could touch. I averted my gaze, feeling ashamed.

“Sorry.” I murmured.

“It’s okay. Just try and control yourself.” You said.

I nodded.

“Okay, I’ve seen enough can you go now? Obviously, Zara is busy.” Blythe walked over to us and yanked me away from you.

You glared at her. I pulled out of her grasp and you also shot her a glare. She shot it back.

“I guess I’ll go. Next time you’re free, let me know. We need to catch up.” You grabbed my hands.

I nodded afraid my voice would betray me.

“I’m serious, don’t just ghost me again.” You frowned.

“I’m off next Saturday.” I found myself saying.

Your eyes lit up in delight. It made me smile.

“Okay, yeah, sounds good. I can pick you up and we can go into town or something.” You said.

“Sounds like a plan.”

“So see you next Saturday then?”

“See you next Saturday.” I agreed.

You smiled and quickly kissed me on the cheek. I felt my face go red. You giggled softly at the sight of it. I leaned in and softly kissed you on the forehead, it was your turn to go red in the face.

“I-I should go. See you next week.” You pulled away.

“Yeah, see you soon.” I led you to the door.

We shared one last look of longing before you walked to the car, my old car, which I may be salty about, and drove away. Again a pain radiated inside of me as I watched you leave. I even stood there for a few seconds after, staring at nothing, before I slowly stepped back into the house and closed the door.

“I can’t believe you.” Blythe spat as soon as I turned around.

“What?”

“You almost kissed her right in front of my face, again! As if we haven’t learned our lesson the first time. Rose needs to move on, you need to move on! We need to be pass this once and for all. Sure Casta’s okay and I’ll tolerate her, but I draw the line at Rose.” She crossed her arms.

“Blythe,”

“Don’t you Blythe me. I’m serious. I’m not going to be fighting for your attention anymore.” her eyes watered.

I took a deep breath and looked around. Casta was eyeing us, her arms crossed. My mom was pretending she wasn’t listening and cleaning the kitchen. Then I looked back at Blythe who was pissed.

“Are you saying I can’t be friends with her?” I asked, my voice quiet and weak.

“No, what I am saying is that it’s impossible for you two to be just friends and you know it. If you get involved with her again we will all just find ourselves back at square one.”

I sighed and sat on the couch. I know she’s right, that getting involved with you will be messy and maybe even ugly considering I will have to go through my dad and Melissa. But the thought of giving you up made me want to cry.

“Look at me.” Blythe sat next to me.

I forced myself to meet her eyes. Those stunning grey eyes.

“Do you love her more than you love me?” She asked again.

It’s been a while since the first time she asked me this. Even now I am still no closer to having the answer. I thought about all that Blythe and I have been through, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Then I thought about you, about what you said to me that day. Those awful words forever burned into my soul. That anger I had never seen in you before. But I also thought about your arms wrapped around me, you smile and laugh. Those calming blue eyes. Your lips on mine. My heart ached.

“I don’t know,” I admitted.

She sighed and ran her hands down her face, resting her elbows on her thighs. I can tell she was fed up with me. She left me alone for a little over a month so that we could both work out our issues, except I didn’t work out my issues. I ran from them and they are still waiting for me to come back and deal with them.

“I’m sorry,” I said. Because I felt I owed it to her.

“We can’t keep chasing our tails and running in circles Zara, eventually you will have to pick. I just want to know if I am wasting my time here.” She said in a whispered admission.

“I love you,” I assured her.

“And you love Rose, and Casta, and everyone else on this god damn planet who shows you some kindness. I don’t want to be like everyone else! I want to be the one you love most of all. I want to be the one you think of at night! I want to be the girl you can’t live without. Is that so much to ask for?” she turned to me tears in her eyes.

“I, I, I,”

“If I walked out right now would you chase after me?” she asked.

I opened my mouth to say something, but she beat me to it,

“If your immediate answer isn’t yes, then what the fuck am I even doing here?” she got up to leave.

“Blythe wait.” I got up.

“I’m tired of waiting!” she whirled on me. “I’m tired of wondering who you’re kissing now. Tired of feeling like I’m not good enough. Tired of feeling insecure over some blond bimbo. I’m just so tired Zara. I don’t want to be wondering when you’ll leave me for Rose. If you are going to pick her just tell me! Just break my heart already so I can move on!” she begged. Her tears were falling now.

I made her cry, again.

“No. I can’t.” I found myself crying.

“Yes you can, just call me names again. Like when we were enemies. Yell at me like you used to! Push me! Do something! Because I can’t take it anymore! Just do it! Break my heart, come on!” she shouted.

I shook my head no.

“Coward!” she pushed me, I fell back onto the couch.

She whirled around and marched out the door, grabbing her keys to leave. When she slammed the door I flinched.

“What are you doing?” mom asked.

I looked up to her and Casta.

“Go after her!” Casta yelled.

I wiped my tears and got back up. They were right, enough was enough. I ran out the door just as Blythe turned the key in the ignition. I ran over to the driver door and opened it up, then I grabbed her face and I kissed her.

She sobbed into the kiss, her arms wrapping around me.

“Don’t leave me,” I begged, breaking the kiss and embracing her.

“Fuck you.” She sobbed and held me tighter.

I reached over her and turned the car off. Taking the key out. Then I unbuckled her and pulled her out, forcing her to stand and hold me.

“I love you,” I said.

“Damn you.” She cried, burying her head into my shoulder.

“I won’t see her again if that’s what you want. I’ll stay away from her. I will.” I pulled back and looked into her eyes.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” She sighed, moving some hair out of my face.

“I want you in my life, Blythe. I need you. If there is one thing I’ve learned while being here, it’s that I can live without her. I’ve been living without her. Sure I miss her sometimes, yes I think about her a lot. But there are some days where she doesn’t even cross my mind. Some days where I am just happy with this life I have now. Glad that the worse is behind me. When you’re here, I am even happier. You make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me smile, and blush, and so many other things. I love you, and I’ve always loved you. Don’t make me live without you.”

“Say you love me more than you love her.” She demanded.

“Blythe,”

“I need to hear you say it, even just once. I need to. For my own self-confidence. Please just say it, even if it isn’t true.” She begged.

“I love you. To the moon and back, I love you. You are a part of my life, and always have been.”

“Please, just say it.” She begged.

I opened my mouth, but the thought of uttering those words made me sick. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to.

She grabbed her keys from my hands and nodded as if understanding. She wiped her tears and walked back to her car. My heart cracked. I was about to lose her forever. All the healing and growth I’ve done I could feel it all unraveling with each step she took.

“I love you!” I shouted. She paused in her steps. “I love you more than I love myself.” I said. It wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but it was the truth.

“Just say it.”

“I can’t.” I sobbed.

“Okay.” She walked to her car.

“Blythe please.”

“It’s over between us. For good.” She opened the door.

“No! please, I love you.” I begged.

“This is the best, for both of us. It’s time we both move on.” She got in.

“Stop it!” I grabbed her arm and stopped her from closing the door.

“Just say it!”

“I love you! I love you most of all! Don’t leave me!” I cried out.

“Do you mean it?” she asked.

“Yes!” I said through tears.

And at the time I did. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. The thought of losing her then over you made my heart ache. I already lost you, and I already lost her once before. I wasn’t about to let her go again. She forced me to choose.

You or her.

Since you weren’t there; since I couldn’t see those blue eyes and fall into your soul. Since you couldn’t defend yourself, I chose her. Once and for all. The worse part of all is that if you had been there, I’m not so sure who I would have let walk away and who I would have made stay. But since it was just Blythe, the choice was easy to make. There was only one person there for me to hold on to.

She leaped out of the car and kissed me. I kissed her back. I slammed the car door shut and pushed her against it, kissing her a thousand times. She moaned into me and ran her hands all over my body. We were so enraptured by each other that we left the keys in the car. Which locked automatically.

When it did we broke apart. Blythe looked at the keys sitting on the seat and frowned.

“Sorry,” I said.

Then she chuckled, then she started laughing. Which made me laugh. We were both laughing at how dramatic we were and how stupid it all felt, looking at the keys in the car we remembered that there was a real world around us. She just grabbed my face and kissed me again.

“I think Casta can break into your car and get them,” I said once she pulled back.

“Why does that not surprise me?” she rolled her eyes.

We walked inside hand in hand.

“Well?” mom asked.

“We are officially back together.” Blythe smiled.

“Where does that leave me?” Casta asked, a scared look on her face.

My heart ached for her, I squeezed Blythe’s hand as if to say don’t break her heart. Blythe looked at me and smiled. Then she walked up to Casta and kissed her. 

My mom choked on her water.

“You’re okay. You can stick around until I get bored with you and want Zara all to myself.” She smiled, pulling back.

Casta eyed Blythe before a wide smile spread across her lips. Like the two shared some secret understanding that I didn’t get. Either way, I was happy to have both of them in my life.

“So she can stay?” I eyed Blythe skeptically.

“I admit, she’s grown on me. She’s not so bad once you get over, um well everything.” Blythe said.

“Back at you.” Casta playfully pushed her.

“So what does that make us?” I asked confused.

“Polygamy.” Mom said.

We all turned to look at her.

“What’s that?”

“When someone has more than one mate.” She went on.

“So we are in a polygamous relationship?” I eyed Blythe.

It seemed too good to be true.

“For now, until I make you pick again. Besides who will love you while I’m away?” she pouted.

“Are you pulling my leg?”

“No. I think winning one war is good enough for me. When we graduate, then that will be another story.” She points out.

“So this is only tempory?” Casta asks.

“We’ll see, I’m still not sure about you. And I don’t like sharing. But after last night, I still want to have a little more fun.” She winked at Casta who blushed.

“Fine by me. I couldn’t ask for two better people to be my girlfriends.” I smiled.

Blythe smiled at me and pulled me into another kiss.

“I love you,” I said when she pulled back.

“Music to my ears.” She hummed in delight. She was on cloud nine.

Casta walked over to me, then looked to Blythe for permission, she nodded. Then Casta leaned in and kissed me. I kissed her back. I got a warm feeling in me when our lips met. I liked it.

“Now back to business, can you break into my car?” Blythe asked when we pulled apart.

“You girls give me anxiety.” Mom sighed.

Then we all laughed.