I started writing these posts as a kind of diary. 

A bit like the diary I kept as a kid. I didn't write in it everyday but there are bursts of special occasions and emotions from when I was ten to about fifteen. And let me tell you I was emotionally a mess back then too.

I wrote about a mouse funeral that some second cousins held. About how my friends didn't understand me and how I felt so isolated. I added some happier entries when I was about twenty to counterbalance it. Mainly because it showed me how little some of my thought patterns had changed and I needed to prove I could do happy sometimes.

I have poems and stupid little notes hidden away that I wrote at the same sort of age as the diary. I wrote them to vent all the bad I was feeling into words so I could somehow rid it from myself. It is awful like a lot of teenage anger poetry but it did help me at the time. I used to do a lot of sport for the same reason, driving my emotions into action I could burn away.

I don't write like that privately anymore, at least not often. It's almost too difficult to do because it involves so much isolation and introspection. But I can write it here.

True it is mainly just me writing and reading this. So not too different from a private diary but it has the potential to be read and that is all I really need to feel a tiny bit better. A tiny bit heard. I'm screaming into the void and I know it will be unlikely to ever echo back. It is not for an echo but for the ability to make the sound in the first place. Offering up the inner workings of my mind and going; 

"This is me. I am broken. I am whole. And you don't need to care about any of that."

I think we all need to scream sometimes. Just so we can hear ourselves long enough to think.