A heavy sigh fell from his lips as he leaned against the railing of the roof of the ice rink, gazing out over the rest of the campus green. It was a beautiful day, all things considered. It was just a shame that he had ended up being in such a sour mood with how things had ended up transpiring with Lukas. Honestly, Mathias should have expected it. With how things had been going lately, it felt more and more as if Mathias was going to end up putting himself into an early grave. The fact that Gillian had somehow ended up being present and heard everything only made it that much more embarrassing.

As much as Mathias wanted to be able to trust Gillian and tell him everything, he couldn’t. He wasn’t capable of doing it. He had built up too many barriers and too much distrust towards people over the years for him to be able to just openly spill his guts about everything that had happened up until that point. He hadn’t even told Willem everything, and Willem was his best friend.

Though if he was being honest with himself, Willem was far more than just a best friend. He would never be able to admit that to anyone else though. Not when his future was bound to Lukas. Being reminded of that fact, especially with the way that Lukas spoke of it, only filled him even more with despair. It made him feel like a slave: a slave to Lukas and a slave to his parents. For all their talk about love and doing what made him happy, they were quick enough to jump at the opportunity to increase their fortune.

He hated people and he hated society for making people even more corrupt. He wished that it would all just...go away, so he wouldn't have to deal with any of it ever again.

Even with as much as he wanted to though, Mathias knew that he wouldn't be able to, and it had nothing to do with his parents or Lukas. It was because he didn't want to end up losing Willem. Mathias knew that he would never be able to handle it if Willem wasn't there by his side. Willem would never leave everything behind though, Mathias knew that. He had his family, his siblings and mother, that he loved and had to think of. It made a small part of Mathias jealous that Willem had such a loving family that had endured so many hardships together and still were happy...

“And you’re miserable…” Gillian murmured, eyebrows scrunching together. “Why don’t you just leave? Leave him?”

Mathias merely shook his head, watery eyes looking up at Gillian and a sad smile tugging at his lips. If only Gillian knew… It would make everything so much easier. But he would never understand. There probably wasn't anybody who would understand the difficulties that Mathias was struggling with.

“I can’t…” He drew in a deep breath, looking down at his lap. “I care about-- I care about him too much to leave…” he whispered, pressing the palms of his hands hard against his eyes. He couldn’t just leave when Willem would end up staying. It would rip his heart in two, knowing that he would've left the one person that had always been there for him.

It was hard, acting all the time like he was happy even when he always felt so...lonely. It felt like his hands were tied and he had no way to have a happy ending, even though he refused to end up being miserable for the rest of his life. There had to be a way.

Sighing, Mathias ran a hand through his hair, staring down at the grass below. Closing his eyes, he listened to the distant, indistinguishable chatter of the other students, the wind rustling the leaves of the trees, the birdsong as sparrows took flight. The sounds of nature and the warmth of the sun on his skin were like a balm to his nerves.

It helped him think.

He had five months. Five months of freedom left until he had to figure out some way to escape the fate that was planned for him. Five months… They were going to be graduating at the end of April, so he had to have a plan in place by the middle of the month.

Five months until he would likely never see Willem again…

The thought made his stomach twist into knots, the bitterness of bile rising in the back of his throat.

I can't do this… I can't lose him. I know he doesn't feel the same way about me, but I just can't-- I can't lose everything that we have, our friendship, our memories… I can't--

The sound of the door behind him closing startled Mathias out of his thoughts. Whirling around, he half-expected Lukas to be standing there in order to continue berating him and yelling at him again. The other half of him hoped that Willem would be standing there, summoned by his thoughts of distress. Instead, it was someone he didn't expect and who looked just as equally surprised to see him up there as well.

“Christopher?”

“Ahh, I see someone else is already using this hiding spot,” he stated, pushing his glasses up with a sheepish smile. His light brown hair was pulled up into a bun. It only seemed to accentuate the worry that creased the corners of his eyes. “If it's not too much of a bother, I hope you don't mind me staying up here. If not, I can leave.”

“No, no, you don't have to leave, Chris,” Mathias responded quickly, rubbing the back of his neck with a laugh. “I was just getting some fresh air, was all. If it's something that's that bad that you'd have to come up here, then I'm definitely not going to just kick you out.”

His response seemed to relieve some of Christopher's visible concern and worry, but there still seemed to be something that was putting him on edge. “Merci beaucoup.”

Mathias didn't know what it could possibly be, but he wasn't going to pry. Leaning back on the railing, he let his gaze drift over the forms of students that were walking below, feeling almost envious at their freedom.

Christopher walked over to the railing, leaning next to him. A few moments of peaceful silence passed as they both watched everybody else before Christopher glanced over at Mathias, his lips pursed. “So how did you and Lukas meet?”

Mathias raised an eyebrow, not expecting the question. Though perhaps it had more to do with the fact that he didn't want to think about Lukas right now. “Why do you ask?”

The other frowned for a moment before shrugging nonchalantly and looking down at his fingernails, picking dirt out from beneath the nails. “I guess It's just that with as much as we're friends, and with as long as we've been teammates, and with as long as everyone has known that you and Lukas have been together, I don't remember you ever mentioning how you two came to know each other or why you decided to be in a relationship together. You must love him very much if you've been together with him for so long, even with the way he's treated you.” Christopher gave a knowing look as he stared at Mathias's face.

Turning away, Mathias sighed, rubbing at the tender spot on his cheek where Lukas had slapped him earlier before the meeting. He hated being asked questions like these. He hated having to lie and pretend that he felt things for Lukas that he didn't feel and that he never had felt in the first place. There was no way that he could just explain his entire life situation though.