Mathias stared at the letter for a long time, reading and re-reading each word that had been so carefully written. At first, he wasn’t even sure what he should think about Willem. Part of him felt like it was some sort of trick, that he was just being so nice and sympathetic in order to get Mathias to let his guard down. However, he did have to admit that he thought the kid’s enthusiasm over rabbits and all of the facts that he sent was rather endearing.

He spent the rest of the night writing his own letters in response.

The faint noise of someone clearing their throat pulled Mathias out of his memories, glancing over at Christopher with a raised eyebrow. “Hm?”

Christopher shook his head, taking his hair out of its bun and running his fingers through it. “Just thinking… You must really care about Lukas to hold him in such high regard,” he said slowly, his gaze sharp and calculating as he stared at Mathias.

It made him want to squirm under the intensity of his gaze, but he instead just stared blankly back at Christopher. “He's my boyfriend,” Mathias responded in the only way he knew how without lying.

Rubbing his chin in thought, Christopher finally looked away. “Yes, I suppose that you're right…” he murmured, even though Mathias felt like he wasn't convinced. Something seemed to be on his mind, and Mathias was scared to imagine just what it could be.

Instead, he chose to change the subject. He didn't want his emotions to be exposed to the world yet, because he dare not witness the consequences of his feelings just yet. “So why exactly are you hiding up here exactly?” Mathias asked, stretching his legs out in front of him and looking down at his feet.

At that, Christopher merely shook his head with a grin. “Who said I was hiding, dear Mathias?” His grin soon faded though as he sighed, leaning back against the railing. “...Life is rather difficult, non? Living life. Trying to love life. Trying to love being alive. Finding what you’re passionate about. Finding the love of your life…” Another wistful sigh slipped from his lips as he stared up at the wisps of cirrus clouds that streaked across the sky like brushstrokes. “Love is a long road to travel down, mon ami, but I would say that it is one that is the most worthwhile when you’ve found the right person to go travel that road with.”

Blinking, Mathias glanced over at Christopher, his heart feeling like it was in his throat at the way that the man seemed to be staring straight through him and into his soul. He found it disconcerting. Opening his mouth to talk, he found the words soon dying on the tip of his tongue as Christopher cut him off.

“What are your feelings towards Willem?”

The question made Mathias freeze, his blood feeling like ice in his veins. A prickling sensation filled his hands and legs as they went numb. Maybe it was just from sitting down for so long. Mathias doubted it though. There was no way that anybody could have guessed his emotions; he was so sure of it.

Putting on a smile, he laughed, reaching over and giving Christopher a light punch on the arm. “C'mon, dude. You know he's my best friend and my roommate. There's nothing else between us. You know that.”

Christopher merely hummed, rubbing his arm absentmindedly as his gaze grew distant. “Perhaps you're right…” he murmured, almost to himself, seeming to drop the question for the time being.

Mathias desperately hoped so. If anybody knew… If Lukas ended up finding out… If Willem knew… Gods, what would Willem even think of him if he knew that Mathias had been harboring these feelings for him for so long? It would turn into a disaster. Willem already had his life planned out, it felt like, and Mathias knew that Willem wasn't willing to give it up just to be able to run away together. Maybe Mathias should learn to accept that and move on with his life, forget his feelings, forget Willem…

“Mathias. Mathias, relax. Hey, it's just me. Calm down. Deep breaths, Matt.”

“Did he hurt you? Did. Lukas. Hurt. You.”

“Matt, it's fine. I don't mind if you wear my clothes. We're close enough to the same size. I'm not that much taller than you… I would just be wary about wearing anything around Lukas, because of the way he would take it and how he would be bound to react. That's not something I'm willing for you to go through. Do you understand?”

“Regardless of whether I'm tired or not, I still have projects to finish, and so do you. It's not like I exactly slept all that well. I’ve been feeling pretty much like a zombie all day.”

“I don’t know… Maybe if things ever got bad enough, I might consider it. I’d feel shitty for abandoning my siblings and mother though. Ma already had a husband who just disappeared in the middle of the night. She doesn’t need her son to end up doing the same…”

“It’s fine, Matt. Really. You don’t have to apologize for anything. I know I haven’t had an easy life. None of it is your fault. If anything… If anything, meeting you and being friends with you was what helped me the most. It gave me the motivation to keep living and working through all of the hardships that were thrown my way. Having you as a friend is what saved me from a much worse path in life.”

Mathias let out a sigh, running his hands through his hair. He was a damned fool if he thought that he could ever just end up forgetting about Willem, even if Willem only ever thought of him as a friend. It would be okay. Mathias was used to the heartache. It was something that he would just have to learn to live with, whether he liked it or not. It was the only way that he knew that he would still be able to keep Willem in his life.

Standing up, Mathias stretched his arms over his head, groaning whenever his back cracked and popped several times. He turned to Christopher with a smile, picking up his bag. “Hey, sorry to have to run on you like this, but I need to go work on my architecture project for a while, just so I can get some more done on the blueprint. I hope you don’t mind.”

Christopher merely shook his head, standing up as well, though he kept his own backpack on the rooftop. “No, no, I understand. It’s perfectly fine. I just hope that things go well for you, Mathias…” he murmured, placing a hand on Mathias’s shoulder and giving it a friendly squeeze. “If you need anything, I’m always willing to listen or to talk.”

He slowly nodded his head, giving Christopher a smile. It certainly wasn’t what he had been expecting from the other man, and even if Mathias wasn’t willing to accept the offer, the gesture was still appreciated. “Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind,” he said, giving the other a quick hug and starting towards the door.

“Oh, and Mathias?”

He stopped in his tracks, glancing back as he opened the door of the building. “Hm?”

“I’ll see you at the bonfire tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I’ll see you then,” Mathias replied, waving. Stepping inside the building, Mathias grimaced as the door closed behind him, his shoulders slumping. He really didn’t want to go, knowing that Lukas was going to be there. Unfortunately, he didn’t have a choice in the matter.

But what’s the worst that could end up happening though?