Dear Rosey,

Everything is going my way, so why am I not satisfied? You see after Blythe left to go back home, and Mom went to work, I was left alone with Casta. I was sort of confused about her, if she loved me like she claimed she did, then why did she want me to go after Blythe? So I decided to ask her straight up.

“Hey, can I ask you something?” we were cuddled up on the futon, she was sketching on her tablet.

“You just did,” she smirked.

“Casta, I wanna be serious for a sec.” I pulled her closer.

She sighed and set the tablet down before turning in my arms to face me. I stared into her deep brown eyes as if they held all the mysteries of the world. She smiled at me.

“Why did you tell me to go after Blythe if you knew it could mean the end of us?”

Her smile never faltered as she moved some hair out of my face.

“Because I could see how happy she makes you. How much you love her. And I would gladly let you go if it meant you could be happy. Your happiness is all the matters to me, Zara. My love for you is so strong, just seeing you smile makes my day. It would be enough for me to see you happy.”

Those words took my breath away. I was enough. I was more than enough.

“But if that’s true then why confess to me, why lucky number 3?” I needed to know if she was just saying what I wanted to hear, or if she was being genuine.

“Well, I’ll admit seeing how happy she made you hurt me, I could tell I was no match for her. I want to be the one that makes you smile and laugh, and just happy. I wanted you to know how I felt about you. To see if it would change anything between us. To see if you would look at me the way you look at her. But now, I think I understand. You and I, we are connected. Maybe we weren’t meant to be together, but we were meant to be together. If that makes sense?”

“It does.” I smiled at her.

“Even if Blythe would have made you dump me, I’d still be your friend. Sure, I would have been hurt, but I know I would have gotten over it and come back to you. Just being near you is enough for me.”

My eyes watered at that. I have never felt like I was ever enough; like I was complete. She made me feel that way. She made me feel like I could be and do so much more than I am. The warm feeling I get when I am around her grew and spread inside of me. It scared me.

“Don’t cry you big baby, I’m trying to make you happy.” She rolled her eyes.

“I am happy. These are tears of happiness. I’ve never cried because I was happy before.” I laughed.

“One point for me then, not that it’s a competition or anything.” She teased.

I leaned in and kissed her, she melted into me. I am glad that she is in my life.

Yet still, I am missing something. Some part of me that I have lost along the way. Though I don’t think it’s lost. I think I left it behind, with you. Though I don’t know how I’ll ever get it back.

Love is a tricky thing I have learned. There are many types of love.

With you Rose, our love is magnetic. I always know when you are near. We are like two magnets that can’t help but be drawn to each other. You complete me in a way, the yin to my yang. There is a force that drives us together than neither of us can explain. A pull that is impossible to fight. That is the kind of love we have.

Blythe is different. My love with her is explosive. Like a firework. We are a burst of passion. A charge of emotions that goes off every time we touch. When I look into her eyes I brace for the inevitable combustion of heat between us. Our love is so loud that it is impossible to ignore. Anyone with eyes can see the fire between us.

Casta is even different from both of those. She reminds me of a campfire. It’s like my life was a cold winters night, snow on the ground and not a shelter in sight. Then she comes into my life, I stumble onto a fire out of nowhere. A heat that warms my soul. She has saved me from the cold weather. I can picture her leading me to the campfire and wrapping her arms around me, protecting me from the cold. Reviving me with her warmth. Even if she has to bear the cold herself. Her love for me is soft and gentle. It is easy for me to find comfort in it.

“I guess I have a whole year to make you fall in love with me,” Casta said when she pulled back.

“Blythe was just teasing.”

“You don’t have to lie to me, I know she means business. She may put up with me for now, but the moment she feels like I am a threat I’ll be axed just like Rose. Which means I have a whole year to try and get you to love me more than her.”

“You shouldn’t think like that, I am happy with how things are now.” I snuggled into her, burying my head into her chest.

“This peace can only last so long you know.” She rubbed my back as she embraced me.

“I know,” I admitted.

I know she’s right. the moment Blythe suspects that I might like Casta even just a smidge more than her, this peace will be over. World war z will start up all over again. But for now, I am safe. For now, things are peaceful. For now, I couldn’t be happier. Right?

This may sound strange but out of the three of you, I am a thousand percent positive Casta loves me the most. I get the feeling she would do anything for me, she would walk through fire for me. Which is more than you or Blythe would do. This thought does not bring me comfort, it only makes me afraid that I am taking advantage of her kindness. I wish she could find someone to love her as much as she loves me. If anyone deserves to be happy it is her.

“Whatever happened to your mom?” I asked out of nowhere.

She’s never told me. it was a random question but I felt like if my mom could make me happy, then maybe Casta's mom could make her happy. Maybe like my dad, her dad kept the truth from her. I wish that was the case.

I wish I never asked.

“She’s dead,” Casta said.

“I’m sorry.” I immediately replied.

“He killed her.” She whispered.

I pulled back and gave her a concerned look.

“No one knows, but he did. He killed her.” She looked me in the eye.

“Casta.” I sat up.

She sat up and looked at me with tears in her eyes.

“When I was seven, he beat her to death. Right in front of me. Then he dragged her out to the field, made me help him dig the hole. We buried her back there. The police came looking for her, he said she went off with some guy to London or something. My aunts came, my grandma, and cousins all came looking for her. Only I know the truth.” Tears streamed down her face.

“My God.” I held her in my arms, fear shooting through me.

I am glad I got her out when I did. Who knows what he could have done to her? No wonder why she covered for him, she’s scared of him. She had to watch her mother die and then bury her body. No wonder why she cuts herself, no wonder why she does so many questionable things.

“I can’t tell on him. Because he moved her body when I wasn’t home one day. I was 14. He just up and decided to move the body. He never told me where to. Even If I did tell on him, I have no proof, no body, no anything. It’s my word against his, and I was just a kid. He tells me that if I don’t do what he says he’ll kill me too.”

“No. Never. I’ll never let that happen. He’ll have to get through me first. You are never going back there you hear me, never!” I pull back and look her in the eyes.

“I’ve never told anyone that before.” She admitted.

“I’m glad you told me, it will be our secret okay. I won’t do anything that could get you hurt.”

She smiled at me through her tears, and I embraced her once more. She took a deep calming breath, I think she was finally relieved that she told someone. Anyone. She no longer had to carry the weight of the truth alone. I am here now.

Casta gives me purpose in a way. Unlike Blythe or you, Casta does need me. I know you and Blythe could take care of yourselves, I know that you both can protect yourselves, but Casta can’t. She doesn’t know how. She is so used to being beaten on and put down that she has just accepted that is what her life will be like. We give each other purpose. I give her a reason to fight the current and stop letting herself fall back into bad habits. She gives me a reason to fight, not just for myself, but for her.

Monday at work we had our first fun day of summer. It’s called beach days. Basically, we set up water slides and a small pool for the kids to play around in all day.

“I don’t want to be on Mom’s team,” Shelly complained.

“Hey!” I pouted.

“Face it, Zara, my team is the cool team.” Casta gloated.

“We will see about that.”

I huddled my kids off behind the wall as we prepared for war. Sure Casta was good at all the art stuff, and at the acting, and pretty much everything else. But now was my time to shine! We were going to have a water balloon war. If anyone is good at pranks and war, it’s me.

“Okay listen up, I know I may not be as cool as Casta but now it is payback time. We are team Z and we are going to destroy them.” I smirked.

“How?” Yawni asked.

“What better way to win a war than sabotage and pranks?”

They giggled.

“Okay, so here is what I did, Casta’s balloon supply has been cut in half, why? Because I stole them and filled them with paint. We have water balloons on the bottom and paint balloons on top.” I indicated to our large box full of ready to burst balloons.

“Yay!” They cheered.

“Shh!” I giggled and checked to make sure Casta wasn’t listening. Her team was looking at me behind their makeshift wall.

“I also made the ultimate weapon. Behold.” I move and show them buckets full of slime.

They gasped and their eyes got wide.

“Battle tactic, we open with slime, move to paint, and wash them clean with water what do you guys say?”

“Yeah!”

“Okay.” I nodded.

I held out a peace sign as I moved the box of balloons in place. Then I ran back behind the wall.

“Okay, every grab a bucket and hide it behind your back.” They nodded and listened to me.

We slowly walked out as well as Casta’s team. Frank eyed me, knowing what was up as he could see behind my back. He was the ref. He smiled at me.

“On your marks, get set, go!” he said.

Then my whole team slimed them. I got Casta good. She gasped as the green slime dripped down her head. We all laughed and dropped the buckets going to the balloons. Then paint went flying. Casta’s team had no idea what hit them.

They ran out of balloons before we even got to our own water balloons. Then it was a free for all as everyone ran for our box of balloons, Casta got me good in the face, knocking my glasses off. Then her whole team tackled me and hugged me getting paint and slime all over me.

I fell to the floor in a fit of giggles then it became a dog pile on me. After Frank broke the kids up they ran to the water slides.

That was the first time I could just act like a kid in a long time. I was having a great time.

“Who’s your mommy now?” I teased Casta.

“You wait till we get home, I will get revenge.” She tickled me.

I yelped and ran off in giggles. She chased me to the water slides.

After work, we walked home a sticky mess. We had popsicles in our mouth as they handed out some to everyone at work as the day was winding down. We had our hands interlocked.

“Hey, chica where you been?” Lu asked as we walked up to my house.

“Yeah, we’ve been worried about you guys.” Riley ran out from her garage.

“We haven’t seen you guys at the hangout.” J walked from his driveway where he was playing basketball.

“Yeah, we’ve been busy, got a job.” Casta indicated to our clothes.

“Where? A dump site?” Riley laughed.

“Ha, ha, we work at the library with the kids,” I said.

“That’s sweet,” Lu smirked.

“So why are you guys covered in uh, what exactly are you covered in?”

“Slime, paint, and water, it was fun day.”

“I see.”

“You guys want to come in and hang out?” I asked.

“Sure.” They shrug then they followed me inside.

Casta and I took a shower together but we didn’t do anything. When we got out I pulled out an old PlayStation I found in my mom’s old office and hooked it up. Then we put on Rampage and took turns playing.

“Hey, why don’t we spice up this party?” Lu said, he took some weed out of his pocket.

“Aw yeah!” J cheered.

“Count me in.” Riley smiled.

“You know me.” Casta snagged the bag from him.

I shifted uncomfortably when they all looked at me.

“Uh, I’ve never done it before,” I admitted.

“We can show you.” Casta opened it up and pulled out a paper.

I watched as she rolled a blunt and then Lu lit it as she held it between her lips. She took in a deep inhale before crawling over to me. Then she kissed me and blew the smoke into my mouth.

I coughed like a baby. Everyone giggled.

Then she passed it to j who took a drag before passing it to lu, who passed it to Riley, who finally passed it to me. I looked to Casta, she nodded in encouragement. I inhaled it in, but I did too much and once again coughed, smoke going everywhere.

“You’ll get used to it, now let the fun begin.” Casta took it from me.

We passed it around, and I did end up getting used to it. It wasn’t long before I felt high as a kite. The world just seemed blindingly bright. Harsh colors, harsh lights. Even though I was surrounded by people I knew and liked, when I looked at them, I almost felt like they were strangers.

Their laughter was like music to my ears. I felt my body melt into my surrounding. I was just sort of there. It was almost overwhelming, the feeling of loneliness. I just laid there on the floor as they horsed around and laughed. I stared at the ceiling.

Casta crawled up next to me and held me. As if she understood without me having to say anything.

Later we raided my kitchen for food and then collapsed around the living room all of us crashing and falling asleep with Rampage playing in the background.