The apartment smelled of cookie-fragrance candles that I had made the day before to help us relax on this big day. It was finally time to meet with our potential future team, and we were all more than a little anxious.

“Deep breaths, guys. Eyes closed, mind focused on counting the seconds. We can do it. We’re all grown ups and strong. We’ve seen much worse than this. Deep breaths. We’re gonna own it.”

Abby was trying her best to help us but honestly, it didn’t work that well. Pierre didn’t work like this at all, and standing still and mute was the worst possible thing for him to do. So he just got up and started pacing, mumbling to himself. I thanked Abby, got back on a chair and made up some stupid little stories that would keep my mind off of the panic attack that I could feel creeping up. Both of my new roommates looked at me with wide, unbelieving eyes. But they kept silent and let me do my thing.

“Once upon a time in a not-so-faraway land there lived a kitty with fur the color of sand. Little kitty had a friend, a big brown hedgehog named Dan who was fast as lightning but couldn’t hug anyone. Dan was sad to be so spike-y, but little kitty was envious : he disliked being taken into people’s arms, yet was so cute he was rarely on his own paws. Children of the village would make a game out of trying to find him wherever he hid…”

“What the hell are you talking about? Hedgehog? Kitty? Seriously?” Pierre didn’t like my story, apparently. Too cute, he said. But I needed this in order to retain a semblance of sanity, and tried something else.

“A knight with no armor loved a princess with no castle in a realm with no king. But who ruled? The queen, of course. She was dressed in green, liked to read but never had the time to sleep. So she spent her days high on caffeine and dreamed of a good long nap…”

“Oh come on, won’t you just stop with the stories? You’re getting on my nerves here, M!” Nope, not this one either. 

I couldn’t help it though, I had to think of something, anything, and to create. That was my way to deal with anxiety. Pierre got angry, it seemed to be better than getting anxious. Angry is more useful than scared. Abby was in her own little world, counting seconds.

Our time was up. I stopped my stories and they got on their feet to go to our appointment. It was weird, going there together, and meeting others like us. I wondered if it was considered a violation of medical secret for our therapist to have us all meet. I guessed she knew what she was doing.

We got there shortly, all trembling with different emotions, and were received immediately. There were at least ten people already. Ten pairs of eyes looking straight at me, curious, expecting something.

Oh no. I can’t.

I felt my heartbeat getting faster, my breath uneven, I was too hot, too cold, my hands trembled, my knees gave out beneath me, and after half-a-minute of this agony my mind went blank and I fainted. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you the worst thing to do when in front of people : let your anxiety win. I was screwed.