Monday, October 22nd

     Something about Calix changed, right after he confessed to all of his friends that he was no longer in a relationship with Francesca. Everyone was just as shocked as Jesse had felt, but besides him and Axel, nobody knew why exactly they’d broken up.

Even more so, Jesse had been the first to find out, and it made him feel special. Calix could’ve told Axel first, but he decided not to. He decided to text Jesse, and wait for him to show up, to tell him first.

Now, more than ever, Jesse felt hopeful. Hopeful that he might have a shot with Calix, even if he knew damn well that Calix was straight.

He shouldn’t feel hopeful. He should be realistic, and let it sink in that even if Calix was single, he didn’t stand a chance. He needed to move on.

He just didn’t know how.

And Calix was making things ten times harder on him. He didn’t leave his side more than a few seconds, and he kept asking Jesse to make jokes to distract him. Calix didn’t disapprove when Jesse and Axel didn’t pay attention during class. Instead, he joined them.

Calix wasn’t worrying over Jesse any longer. No, the roles were reversed, and Jesse couldn’t help but worry over his best friend. He seemed down, unconcentrated, careless. He didn’t act the way Jesse was used to, and it was highly depressing.

Jesse struggled to play pretend himself, hiding the fact that he got kicked out by Felipe, or the fact that Felipe really wasn’t his father. He was hiding his sexuality, his crush, the fact that he had slept with three guys in the past year without ever seeing them again. Jesse had plenty of secrets and depressing elements going on in his life, while Calix had always been an element of stability to him. Without him and his ever-so-collective behaviour, Jesse felt lost.

And with Jesse lost, and Calix trying to lean on him, it seemed as if they were both lost, while Axel was barely someone who kept himself calm and collective. Hot-headed Axel wasn’t someone who could cheer Calix up by himself while he was still sulking over Donna, trying to find a way to get her back. The only thing Axel was useful for in that moment was distraction in the form of hangman and tic-tac-toe during boring classes.

And for some entertainment during lunch break.

He had once again decided to walk up to Donna and ask her why she didn’t want to be with him. It was getting awkward, and Jesse could barely look at him while he oh-so-pathetically begged her to take him back in front of half the school.

“If I ever act like that, could you please hit me, or even kill me?” Calix asked while he turned away so that he wouldn’t have to look at Axel any longer.

“Sure. Same goes for me, though,” Jesse replied, chuckling afterwards. “Not that I’ve got something to worry about.”

It wasn’t even a lie. Even if Yoni and Jesse decided to break up, he wouldn’t want her back. They knew it was a fake relationship and their friendship would continue either way.

“Lucky bastard,” Calix grumbled, sighing deeply before he shoved his BLT sandwich in Jesse’s direction. “Here, I’m not hungry anyway.”

“Is this a moment in which I should kill you? Or at least slap you?”

“You could, but I bet you want that sandwich more than me being sane.”

Jesse nodded, fully agreeing with his statement. “Yes, yes indeed.”

Calix offered a small smile, but soon looked sad and depressed again. He leaned an elbow on the table, supporting his head, while he watched Jesse eat his sandwich.

The look he gave him was making Jesse nervous. It was as if he was trying to break down Jesse’s walls and find all his secrets. He seemed observant in a way that Jesse felt as if he was naked. He shuffled in his seat uncomfortably, taking a bite to keep himself occupied while at the same time preventing himself from blurting out anything stupid.

“What’s your secret?” Calix eventually asked, still giving him the observant look. As if he believed he could find details about ‘his secret’ in his behaviour or movements.

“My secret?” Jesse asked with a full mouth, silently cursing himself while he felt his cheeks flush. No, Jesse, he doesn’t know you have secrets.

He can’t possibly know.

“You’re so… carefree. You have an amazing relationship with Yoni for three years already. You do what you want. You get a tattoo just because you want one…” Calix gestured in his direction with his free hand. “Your life seems so perfect. What’s you secret?”

Jesse had already snorted and nearly spat out a bite of the sandwich before he reminded himself that he didn’t want to share with Calix just how much his life actually sucked.

“My life isn’t perfect,” he stated with a laugh. “There’s plenty of things that aren’t perfect. I just got lucky with Yoni.”

“Like what, Jesse?” Calix asked, sighing deeply. “What isn’t perfect?”

Nothing is perfect, Calix. Nothing

“For starters, my two best friends are depressed over girls and if I won’t be careful, it might rub off on me,” Jesse joked, not willing to tell the truth, or part of it. “It’s really depressing.”

“I’m sorry,” Calix muttered, leaning his head directly onto the table top. “I loved her, and she broke my heart. It fucking hurts and I’m just not happy. I mean, you managed to make me laugh a few times, but besides your jokes, there’s really nothing I find worth laughing over. Or smiling even.”

At least Calix wanted to smile or laugh because of him, which made Jesse feel special. Calix had just said he was the only reason to laugh or smile, and Jesse was melting in his spot. He was soaring, he was giddy, he wanted to kiss Calix so badly.

But instead, he was fighting a smile, and stopping himself from kissing Calix by speed-eating the rest of Calix’ BLT sandwich.

As long as his mouth was full of food, there wasn’t a chance for the wrong words to leave his mouth. And he really, really needed to keep quiet, or he would show Calix what he missed so badly in his life.

He would blurt out that he knew how much it hurts when the one you love doesn’t love you back, all because of Calix.

No, those words were better left unsaid.

     Jesse followed Yoni into her house, feeling tired and sad. It wasn’t a good thing for him to hang out with Axel, who was yet again sulking because Donna turned him down, or Calix, who was heartbroken because Francesca had cheated on him.

He wasn’t in the right place himself either. Now more than ever did he feel like he needed to hide his secrets. Calix needed him to be there for him. He couldn’t tell him all that was going on in his life, because he didn’t want Calix to feel as if his problems were insignificant compared to his.

Besides, Calix being heartbroken was yet another problem in Jesse’s life. He wanted to cheer him up, and he was willing to do pretty much anything to see him smile again.

A genuine smile, that was.

“What’s on your mind today?” Yoni asked him after they reached her room. “You’re really quiet.”

“Calix and Axel,” Jesse replied with a shrug of the shoulder. “Axel is just being annoyingly obsessed with Donna and part of me wants to scream at him that she’s gay and he just doesn’t have the right body parts. But a much bigger part of me knows that if someone finds out about Donna, they’ll find out about you.”

“And then it’s a waiting game for people to figure out about you too.”

“Exactly.” Jesse let himself fall onto her bed, burying his face in her pillow.

“Jesse?” Yoni asked hesitantly. “Are you really going to wait until college before coming out? Do you think you can keep it a secret for the months to come?”

“Yes. I have plenty of reasons to wait. As long as I keep reminding myself of those reasons, I’ll be fine keeping it a secret.”

“What reasons? Your parents?”

“Oh, yes, them too,” Jesse replied after pulling his head up to look at Yoni. “My naive mother, my fake as hell father, my careless brothers. I’ll be able to get over Calix when we’re in different schools…”

“So it’s Calix,” Yoni called out with a smirk. “You like Calix. Of course you do. Everyone does.”

Jesse slapped himself in the face. This was why he kept himself occupied whenever he felt like blurting out secrets. But he felt safe enough with Yoni, so he never really thought about his words when he was with her.

“Please, forget that I said that,” he pleaded with a pout.

“Why? It’s cute. I mean… I don’t think he’s gay, so that’s sad…”

“I know he isn’t. He’s the epitome of a straight guy.”

“Jesse, you are the epitome of a straight guy too. Because you’re that good at hiding stuff.” Yoni sat down on the bed with him, still smiling over her discovery. “But…”

“But?”

“What did you mean with ‘fake as hell father’?” she asked, while fiddling with the drawstrings of his hoodie.

“Oh, didn’t I tell you? Mom admitted he isn’t my biological father. Whenever he said I wasn’t his son, he was right. I’m not.”

“What? Why did she never tell you before?”

“The hell do I know?” Jesse shrugged, and tried to laugh it off. She didn’t need to know it stung to know neither his biological father, nor Felipe, wanted him as their son. “She told me last week.”

“Shit, Jesse…” she whispered, laying down next to him, hugging him like she always did whenever he felt sad. Yoni just knew what Jesse felt because they had been together for so long already. “I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t be, I don’t mind that Felipe isn’t my father. He’s a dick anyway.”

“So, who’s your real father?” she sounded hesitant. It was as if she was unsure she was allowed to ask him questions about the matter.

“Some Finnish guy named Olaf. He ran as soon as he found out mom was pregnant. So he’s pretty much a dick too.”

“Maybe he had a reason to run? Like your mother being with Felipe?” she offered carefully, snuggling impossibly closer to him.

It was in that moment that Jesse wished he could just love her romantically, and really be with her. Moments in which they were honest and open and showed that they trusted each other. It was everything he wanted in a relationship.

But he just wanted it with Calix, not anyone else. No matter how sweet and caring and attractive Yoni was.

“Mom was on a break with Felipe when she was with Olaf, she said so herself. Felipe took her back but wanted her to get an abortion. She was probably too far along in the pregnancy to get one, so here I am.”

“It still isn’t a reason for him to treat you the way he did,” Yoni spoke up in anger. “It’s pathetic and he shouldn’t blame you for the fact that you’re not his son.”

“He does anyway, and there’s nothing I can change about it.”

“Well, for what it’s worth, I’m glad you were born. I love you, Jesse. You’re an amazing guy and sometimes I wish I could love you with all of my heart…”

“Same, sweetie, same,” Jesse muttered. “Things would be a lot easier if I was straight and romantically in love with you.”

“Exactly. I’m so confused about my feelings in the moment. I want to go back a few months and just enjoy being with you.”

“But it’s okay this way too. I mean, one of us could’ve been straight, and then one of us would be heartbroken now. I’m good, as long as you won’t stop being one of my best friends.”

“I will always be your friend, Jesse. And there will always be room for you to stay here, if you ever need to.”

“Thanks, I appreciate that,” he whispered, pecking a kiss on the top of her head. “You’re the best that ever happened to me.”