Tuesday, October 23rd

     Jesse, for once, didn’t feel moody in the morning. He had stayed the night at Yoni’s place, where they had talked for hours on end about their crushes. It felt good to be able to talk about Calix freely for once.

He knew he could talk about it with Loek, but Jesse felt weird talking about his crush with a guy he had kissed repeatedly during a night out. Things were too complicated between them.

But with Yoni, it was different. She had no feelings towards Calix, but she understood exactly why Jesse was in love with him. Even she had to admit Calix was pretty damn close to perfect.

Besides, talking about Calix to her, made their conversation two-sided. She could tell him about Donna, and the things she liked about her, while he could do the same about Calix.

Their deal was perfect, really.

As long as nobody would find out, that is.

Calix had noticed Jesse was happier in the morning than he had been in a while, and he asked what happened.

And Jesse didn’t lie when he told him he didn’t really know. Nothing changed, everything was just the same as it had been the day before, the week before… Well, technically, last week he still lived at home, so that changed. But it wasn’t a reason for Jesse to be happy.

Or was it?

Was he relaxing more each day he didn’t see Felipe? Was it because he no longer felt ignored, or invisible even, like he had felt the week before?

Jesse didn’t have an answer. He didn’t know why he felt more relaxed than ever, while his wall of defence had started to crumble bit by bit. Maybe the secrets he kept had been weighing heavy on him, and now that he had two persons to talk to, he felt… liberated.

“Jesse!” Yoni called out his name while he was walking towards the lunchroom, accompanied by Calix and Simon. “Hey!” she greeted him when he stopped and turned to wait for her to catch up.

“Hey,” he greeted her back, and for good measure, they kissed each other on the lip shortly.

“Let’s go, Simon. I don’t want to see them be all lovey-dovey right now,” Calix sounded depressed while he was already dragging Simon away. Jesse didn’t mind, he understood why. Maybe kissing Yoni on her lips had been a bit inconsiderate towards Calix.

If he wanted Calix to hang around him all the time, he shouldn’t scare him away with his relationship with Yoni. For all Jesse knew, Calix could decide just as easily to hang out with Axel most of the day instead.

“Good, I wanted to talk to you in private,” Yoni told him, trying to catch her breath. She grabbed his wrist and pulled him out of the main hallway, into another that was empty of students.

“What’s up?” Jesse asked, frowning because he was worried.

“Donna asked me out,” Yoni breathed out with a smile on her face. “Look!” she showed him her phone, where a conversation between Donna and Yoni was visible. “She apologized for doing it over the phone, but this way nobody could overhear us talking.”

“Oh, that’s great!” Jesse replied happily. “Where are you going?”

“I don’t know, she suggested going to another town or something, so that nobody could walk in on us,” She replied happily. “I can’t believe it, I’m so happy.”

“I’m happy for you too, sweetie,” Jesse told her before chuckling. “You seem excited, which is good. Besides, Donna took the first step, which shows that she’s really interested in you too. No more doubting, okay?”

“I’ll try not to doubt her feelings towards me, okay?” Yoni answered with a giggle. “So do you think you stand a chance with Calix? He seemed annoyed to see us kissing.”

“No way,” Jesse answered while shaking his head. “He’s annoyed by every couple in school right now.”

“Oh, right, off course.” Yoni nodded shortly. “Well, as long as he hasn’t said anything about it, you can still hope, right?”

“Yeah, I just don’t want to hope too much,” Jesse admitted while shuffling a foot. “I’d rather forget all about him and find a nice guy that can take my mind off of him.”

Yoni nodded again, telling him she understood what he was trying to say.

He truly was happy for Yoni that Donna asked her out on a date, but it did spark a bit of jealousy. He wanted Calix to ask him out on a date too. But that was certainly never going to happen.

“Anyway, I just had to share the news, or else I might have blurted it out to the wrong people just because I’m so excited.” She smiled widely, pecked a kiss on his cheek and squeezed his hand. “I’m sure your prince charming will come along soon. I bet no guy would be able to resist your charms as long as they’re into guys.”

Jesse chuckled, and then watched her skip away, towards the lunchroom. He took in a deep breath, checked his phone to see what time it was, when he heard footsteps behind him.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Axel sounded angry, really angry, and Jesse’s heart skipped a couple of beats while he quickly turned around to face Axel. He probably looked like a deer in the headlights.

“Wh-what…” he stuttered, not sure what he wanted to ask.

“Yoni and Donna? They’re going on a date?” Axel spat out the last word, and his face was red with anger. He bawled his fists, stepping closer to Jesse, who kept quiet for the simple reason that he didn’t know how to reply. “How long have you known about them?”

“I… I… It’s not what you think—” Jesse offered weakly.

“Oh, fuck you. You’re a shitty friend, you know?” Axel called out in anger. “And it’s exactly what I think! I heard everything, Jesse. Everything,” Axel snapped at him, right before he brushed past him, knocking his shoulder against Jesse’s.

Jesse’s face drained from most of its colour while he stood in the hallway, glued in his spot.

If Axel heard everything, it meant he heard about Jesse’s secret too.

     Jesse didn’t follow after Axel to find out if he would tell anyone what he just heard. He didn’t need to know if he would tell the school about Yoni or Donna, and he most certainly didn’t want to find out if Axel would tell Calix about him.

He had texted Yoni and Donna to warn them while he speed-walked towards his bike to get the hell away from school, away from Axel, away from his anger.

Away from the truth.

Axel had texted him shortly after he left. It had been the length of an essay. An essay about Jesse being the worst friend anyone could have for hiding the truth from him. For not telling him that Donna was into girls, and that that was why she broke up. Axel had called him a liar, a deceiver, a shitty friend, over and over again.

Jesse had replied, begging him not to tell anyone else. But by then, Yoni had already called him, crying on the phone.

She had told him Axel had confronted Donna in the lunchroom, in front of half the school, asking her if she had been going behind his back with Yoni. If Yoni was the reason she broke up. If she had known she was into girls long before.

And how Donna had told Axel to stop acting as pathetic as he was, and that she broke up as soon as she realised she liked girls. That Yoni hadn’t been the reason, and that she only figured out her feelings for Yoni after they had long broken up.

No words were said about Jesse.

The only texts that came in, were in the group chat, all asking Axel if it was true about Donna and Yoni. And people asking Jesse if he indeed knew about Yoni.

Nobody was asking him if he really was in love with Calix.

And when he came home to an empty apartment, he started doubting if he should’ve stayed in school, to talk to Axel and try to silence him. But he had no idea how, and he really didn’t want to admit he was gay to Axel. Maybe he didn’t hear everything, or maybe he didn’t realize what it meant.

Maybe there was still a chance Jesse’s secret sexuality wasn’t out on the streets. Maybe Axel was too consumed by his anger over Donna and Yoni to focus on anything else.

It was the only thought that Jesse had to keep himself calm. Though he was pacing up and down the living room, cursing himself over and over again. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket, and took it out with shaking hands.

Calix.

Calix had texted him.

Instead of opening the text, he called Loek. He was panicking when Loek answered his call.

“Hey, I’m at work, why are you calling?” Loek sounded happy, and Jesse felt like he could cry for hours on end.

“I fucked up,” Jesse told him with a thick voice. His vision was blurring, and he tried to blink away the tears that were threatening to roll down his cheeks. “Axel knows. He knows about Donna and Yoni, he knows about… me,” Jesse whispered the last word, unable to remain calm much longer.

“Oh, shit. How did that happen?” Loek sounded worried now, and Jesse slightly calmed down when he heard his voice.

“I didn’t pay attention, Loek. I fucked up. He confronted Donna about it.”

“Where are you now? Is anyone giving you shit for it?”

“I’m home, I couldn’t stay and wait for everyone to find out. And no, nobody said anything about me. Axel confronted Donna in the lunchroom about Yoni, and why she broke up with him…”

“Maybe he doesn’t know about you…” Loek tried to calm him down. “If everyone is focused on them, they might not find out about you.”

“They’re talking about Donna, mostly,” Jesse answered while he sat down on the couch. “But if they know about Yoni, it’s only a matter of time before they find out about me, right?”

“No, you can still stick with the original story. You knew about Yoni, but you two decided to stay together until she sorted out her feelings,” Loek sounded calm, as if everything was alright. “All you need to do is support Yoni when people call her out about her relationship with you.”

“Yes…” Jesse agreed. If Loek was right, maybe things really would turn out okay.

“Do you need me to come home?”

“No. No, I’ll be fine. I’ll see you later.”

“Okay, call me if you need me, okay?”

Jesse nodded, but soon realized Loek couldn’t see him. “Yeah, I’ll call if I need you.”

Loek said his goodbye and hung up, leaving Jesse with a phone in his hand with one name very prominent on its screen. With shaky hands, he opened the text he had received.

Calix: Is it true?

Jesse bit his lip. Was what true? Donna and Yoni, or Jesse’s crush on him? Nobody was talking about him. At least not about his crush on Calix. Which was why he opted to play dumb.

Jesse: i knew about them yes

Calix instantly read his message and started typing a reply. But then he stopped and, after a few seconds, started again. It continued for a good minute or five, before his answer came in.

As soon as Jesse read it, he dropped his phone, covered his face, and allowed all the tears that he kept in to roll down his cheeks.

Calix: No, are you gay?