Saturday, October 27th

     The arcade had been fun, for a little while. After about an hour, Jesse was done pretending he was fine. He didn’t have the energy to smile or talk much to Loek. As promised, Loek had taken him home shortly after Jesse fell silent.

Back home, Mees had showed him the new bed, but Jesse had bit his lip, and nervously asked Loek if he minded sharing his bed for one more night. He had admitted he didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts, and Loek had instantly told him it was fine.

Mees didn’t seem all too happy with it, but he shrugged it off and sat back on the couch. Even when Jesse had tried to thank him for giving him his own room, Mees had only shrugged, and flatly answered it was fine.

Jesse didn’t feel like ‘it was fine’. On the contrary, as soon as he had asked Loek to share the bed, Mees seemed hostile to some degree. He didn’t want Jesse to sleep in the same bed as Loek, and Jesse couldn’t help but wonder why Mees didn’t think they should share a bed.

Sure, Jesse knew Loek liked him to some degree—that much was clear after he had kissed him several times—but that didn’t mean Jesse would hurt Loek, like Mees had told him not to.

It was still the only rule; do not hurt Loek.

And Jesse didn’t want to hurt him, at all. He liked Loek’s company. He usually liked his jokes, he liked listening to him whenever he told a story about work. He loved his laugh, and the lights in his eyes. He loved it when Loek cheekily smiled at him after flirting, and he loved how Loek held him protectively for yet another night, after Jesse had admitted he didn’t want to be alone.

The next morning, he woke up to an empty bed, since Loek had already left for work. His mind had taken him on a trip down memory lane. He remembered the endless amount of evenings he spent with Calix and Axel, gaming and having fun, wondering if that was all in the past now.

But one other thought had been nagging in the back of his mind, and around noon, while he was alone in the apartment and found a bunch of old photos when he curiously walked into the third bedroom that was now supposedly his, he allowed himself to think about it.

To think about Loek, and that he liked being around him so much. How he liked or even loved the little things about Loek.

And he couldn’t help but wonder; was he falling for Loek?

Then why was he still so obsessed with Calix’ attention, and getting his approval? Even now that he figured Calix wanted nothing to do with him anymore, the only thing he wanted was for Calix to tell him it didn’t matter that he was gay.

Jesse couldn’t care less about the rest of his friends. As long as Calix was there. Well, Calix, and Axel. Jesse couldn’t imagine staying in a fight with Axel for too long either, even if he only came in during middle school and missed a lot of bonding Calix and he had already done at a very young age.

Axel was just as much part of their little group as Calix and Jesse himself were.

All and everything was fucked up, and Jesse knew hiding in Loek’s apartment wasn’t going to help him solve anything. For starters, because he was probably ignoring everyone’s texts and calls—if there were any—because he broke his phone in a rage of anger.

Which was the only reason he left the apartment, on Friday during school hours. He rode his bike to the nearest store and bought himself a new phone. It wasn’t the hottest model, it wasn’t a popular brand, but it was sufficient for the time being. Jesse was simply too curious to see what he had missed in the meantime.

But back at home, he got scared. Scared of what Calix or Axel, or Yoni even, could’ve sent since he broke his phone. What if any of them had texted him to let him know their friendship was over, and that they were glad he hadn’t showed up at school for most of the week?

He couldn’t handle the possibly negative messages they could send, which was why—even though he had a new phone—he hadn’t turned it on yet.

On Saturday, he had used Mees’ phone to call himself in sick for their match, while Loek was running around the apartment gathering his stuff for soccer. He was disappointed when Jesse told him he wasn’t going, but as soon as Jesse explained, he understood.

Jesse didn’t want to face Calix, Axel, and anyone else who knew he was gay, in a locker room where they were getting dressed and where they would shower after their match.

Even if Jesse had already showered practically alone for months, just because he couldn’t stand the idea of showering with Calix.

Nobody would remember he never showered with them, if they thought he was going to check them out. The only thing homophobes would probably focus on was the fact he was in a locker room with them. So, instead of joining them in the locker room, Jesse went back to bed when Loek was sure he had everything he needed and slept for a few more hours.

     Jesse didn’t know what had woken him exactly, but when he opened his eyes, he thought he was still dreaming.

He was looking in the bright blue eyes that belonged to Calix Milonas. He was wearing the sweater from their soccer team and some sweatpants. His shoelaces were untied, his hair was yet again a mess, and his eyes, as bright as they were, looked sad.

Nothing seemed to have changed since the last time Jesse saw Calix.

Nothing, except the fact that Calix was in Loek’s room, with crossed arms, staring at him as if he was waiting for some sort of apology, or explanation, or whatever he expected from Jesse.

“Calix?” Jesse sat up straight in bed, his eyes wide with shock. “What are you doing here?” Jesse scooted backwards on the bed, away from him as far as possible. “Are you here to beat me up?”

“What?” Calix spat out, right before he laughed. “No, why would I beat you up?”

“For starters, because he ignored us for days, and then goes completely off the radar and can’t be found in his home,” Axel sounded angry, still. “And he happened to forget to mention that his father kicked him out? Over a week ago.”

Jesse noticed Axel, leaning against the doorpost, staring at him with angry eyes.

“Eh…” Jesse sheepishly replied.

“Eh? Is that all you can say? Dude, we thought something bad happened.” Calix uncrossed his arms with a sigh, sitting down on the chair that Loek usually used for clothes, but was now empty. “What the hell is going on?”

“Aren’t you guys like… pissed at me?” Jesse felt confused, and he was mostly looking at Axel. “You called me a shitty friend.”

“Yeah, I was pretty pissed at you,” Axel admitted, still not sounding any less angry. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. Why didn’t you tell us your dad kicked you out?”

“Because…” Jesse started, but soon stopped again. Why hadn’t he told them?

Because it meant he needed to confess more than one secret.

“Because?” Calix asked with a frown.

“Just because,” Jesse lamely brought out, pulling the covers over his head to hide from their looks. “It’s complicated, okay?”

“Jesse?” Calix sounded hesitant, and after a few seconds of silence, Jesse felt either one of them lift the covers. He was looking right into Calix eyes again. “Did they kick you out because… you know…”

“Because you’re gay?” Axel bluntly asked, while Calix seemed to be looking for the right words.

“Eh, no.” Jesse shook his head. “They don’t know that. Nobody knew. Well, Loek, and Yoni… and Donna.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Calix asked, seemingly very confused. “We’re your best friends.”

“Sure, seems like a great plan. ‘Calix, I’m gay and I’m deeply, madly in love with you—can we still be best friends though’?” Jesse rolled his eyes, feeling annoyed. “That would’ve gone great, now would it?”

“I don’t care,” Calix firmly spoke. “I mean… I’m not… but you’re still my best friend. If I’d known…”

“I don’t want you to act different because of it, Cal. That’s the whole issue. I don’t want anything to change, but it will. I just know it will.”

“No,” Calix shook his head fiercely. “I won’t let it change anything. Okay? I mean, I know now, and I’m kinda used to the idea by now. So, you can just kick me if I act weird or different, okay?”

“Really? That’s it?” Jesse was surprised by how easily Calix seemed to accept his sexuality. “No hate, no anger?”

“Why would we hate you? Because you happen to like guys?” Calix frowned, and shortly sent Axel a look. “We don’t hate you because you’re gay.”

“We don’t hate you at all,” Axel admits after a deep sigh. “But we don’t like that you kept things hidden from us. We could’ve helped.”

“I didn’t really see how it would help me to tell you guys. I wasn’t going to stay with either of you.”

“And why wouldn’t you? You know my parents practically see you as their own son,” Axel said, rolling his eyes. “I just wish you would’ve told me about Donna. That would’ve saved me from a lot off embarrassment.”

“Donna asked me not to. Besides, I think if you’d known about Donna, you’d find out about Yoni, and in time, about me.”

“When were you planning on telling us?” Calix wondered curiously. “Like, how long have you known? Did you just figure it out and is that why you haven’t told us yet?”

“I’ve known a few months, about Yoni and Donna for about two weeks.” Jesse shrugged a shoulder, laying back down with his head on his pillow. He bit his lip while staring at the ceiling. “I wasn’t planning on coming out before college. You know, since we wouldn’t see each other much.”

“Well, I’m glad we found out sooner, because I like to know my best friend.” Calix smiled warmly. “We’ve been best friends for years, we can’t let anything ruin that, now can we?”

Jesse agreed that he shouldn’t let anything ruin their friendship. But the things he kept hidden from his friends were all things that could still affect their friendship.

Well, aside from his father kicking him out.

But his sexuality in itself could change things. His crush on Calix was an even bigger issue, or so Jesse thought. His fake relationship with Yoni, up to two weeks ago, could change things too. Even if Yoni was his girlfriend, Axel and Calix were protective over her. They had all been protective over each other’s girlfriends.

If Calix or Axel had known he was keeping up appearances without Yoni knowing he wasn’t into her romantically, they could’ve been angry because he was going to hurt her.

“So, no more secrets?” Axel asked, frowning while he stepped closer. “From now on?”

Jesse fumbled with a drawstring of his hoodie, sighing in defeat. He pushed himself up, moving around until he sat on the bed with his back against the headboard before he looked at Axel and Calix again. “Well, in that case, you better sit down, because there’s more.”