It’s November 16th. It’s been five years since that day. The day everything changed. But I’m glad it happened now instead of earlier. If it were to happen when I was younger I probably wouldn’t have been able to carry on. I wouldn’t have wanted to live anymore. But because I’m stronger, I was able to live on. I was able to live on for him. My world, my love, my all, my sunshine. My husband. He was the greatest. He saw things in me that I was never able to see in myself. He loved me more than anyone ever did and he showed it every single day. He was lit up my life in it’s darkest time and was always there for me when I was at my lowest points. I loved him so much.

It still hurts. I don’t think it will ever completely stop hurting. He was the light of my life. Without that light, the days can seem pretty grim. There are other lights in my life now though. Our children are almost as bright as him. Although they’re both moved out, they still stay in good contact with me. Especially after he passed.

It’s raining outside right now. Kind of ironic considering I’m going to visit his grave today. It’s almost like I’m in a movie. The rain drops on the windshield of my car still sitting in my driveway. I wasn’t quite ready to leave yet so I was taking a moment to relax. My phone vibrated and my ringtone started going off. It was a call from Alice, my daughter.

“Hey dad.” She said sympathetically.

“Hello sweetie.”

“Are doing okay today?”

“Yeah, I’m doing okay. I was about leave to go visit him today.”

“I wish I could go with you.” She said sounding upset.

“I know. Maybe you can visit me sometime soon and we can go together”

“It’s just-I just really miss him.” She cried.

I never liked seeing her cry. Seeing her in pain always hurt me. I wanted nothing but her and her brother to be happy. Whenever they would cry it pained me. Only now, I can’t even give her a hug. My eyes started to water hearing her cries

“Me too, baby. I know it hurts.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s okay to grieve.”

“I know, you tell me that a lot. Anyways, I’m gonna let you go. I have to take Sammy to daycare. Bye dad.”

“Bye bye.” I said and hung up the phone.

I started the car and headed towards the cemetery. The rain seemed to lighten up on the way there which I was thankful for considering I didn’t have an umbrella. I listened to the radio to keep my mind off the memories flooding my brain. The memories of our life together, both happy and sad. Those memories were wonderful but always caused tears to fall from my eyes. I can’t drive well and cry so I tried my hardest to keep my mind off them for a while.

I arrived at the cemetery and parked my car. I walked out and made my way over to his grave and sat down in front of it.

“Hey Sammy.” I said tears already making their way down my cheeks. “I’m sorry I haven’t come to visit in awhile. It- it’s just really hard.” I wiped my eyes. “It’s been five years now. A lot has happened. I’m 52 now. I’m getting old” I chuckled. “Alice and Aiden are 24 years old now. They’re both moved out and doing well. Do you remember Melissa handing them over to us? It was sweet how she offered to be our surrogate. If only you were still here, you’d be so proud of them.” The tears kept streaming down my face.

“Alice has a little boy now. He’s the sweetest little being ever. She named him after you. I can’t wait until he’s old enough to hear about all our stories. I can’t wait to tell him all about you.” I stopped to let out a few sobs.

“I- I’m sorry. I just miss you so much. I wish I could still hold you and see your bright smile. You’re beautiful green eyes that never dulled and always seemed to sparkle. They had me spellbound since the first moment I looked at you. Your bubbly personality and your contagious laughter. The way you held me. The way you looked at me. The way you talked to me. The way you loved me.”

I took a moment to take in some deep breaths. I scooted closer to the stone as if I was scooting closer to him. I sat next to it like how we used we used to sit next to each other.

“I trying, Sammy. I really am. I know what I promised you but it’s so hard without you here. You fulfilled your promise so it’s only fair that I fulfill mine. I just don’t really know what to do now that you’re gone. I know I can’t leave the twins too, but I feel so empty and lost without you here.”

I pulled out my wallet and took out three old sticky notes. “Can you believe it? I’ve kept them all these years. You used call me a hoarder for keeping them but I always knew you actually felt touched by it. Do you remember it all? I do. I could never forget. How you approached me. How we met. How we bonded. How we had to hide everything. How we lived together. How you proposed. How we got married. How much we care for Alice and Aiden. How much they adored us. I wish I could go back. Relive everything.”

Tears left my eyes calmly. I leaned my head on the grave and closed my eyes. I let all of the memories from the very beginning flood my brain. I recalled the past and stayed for hours.