Joss and Eli, walking through the halls, holding hands. Eli and Joss, heads resting together in a dark movie theatre. Eliseo, jumping up and down in the stands when Joss scores. Jocelyn, hanging out with the Cinco Leóns whenever he has free time.

Joss feels so lucky to have found real friends. He feels like everything in the world has pointed itself in his direction. He feels like he can do anything with Eli at his side.

It’s not all puppies and butterflies. Eli breaks his leg falling off of his motorbike when he loses hold on a balloon for his sister. Joss learns to keep his mouth closed and his ears plugged in the locker room. The Leóns take a few weeks to fully warm up to Joss in their midst. Eli still hasn’t told his mom that Joss is more than a friend.

They make it work. Joss sometimes feels like the only thing he can do is hold onto Eli; full of fear of losing sight of who he is in the night. Eli can’t always be there, he has to keep up with his schoolwork, help the Leóns, and sometimes take care of his siblings. Joss’s house is too big for just him, and on bad days it’s like he’s the only one in the world. But, Eli is only a phone call away, and Joss will always help him with homework or housework.

Their days together get lesser and lesser as everything piles up, and Joss knows that he needs a day to destroy his persistent feelings of wrongness once and for all. They still haven’t gone away on their own.

He ends up asking Eli to come over and play board games and watch movies. By now, Eli should know that this set of activities is basically synonymous to ‘roll around and kiss and act like happy boyfriends’. Joss is looking forward to this subtext. Maybe this time it won’t, deep down, feel like he’s breaking some sort of code of laws. It gets better every time, the feeling that he’s doing wrong, but it’s still there, carved in from years of homophobic language and intolerance. Eli helps with that. He distracts and he heals, and he makes Joss feel whole.

When Eli lets himself in, Joss is lounging on the couch, his feet tossed up on the armrest. He’s faking his relaxation. In reality, he’s a buzzing mess of nerves and senses on high alert. He can feel Eli from across the room, his presence alarming every sense is Joss’s body. He can’t wait to get his hands all over Eli.

He thinks Eli can tell, too.

Because he’s just standing there, with one hip pushed out, like he’s waiting for Joss to check him out. So Joss does, nice and slow, up and down and up again, right up to Eli’s eyes.

His mind is spinning, and his head is a misty pond, filled with lily pads frogs and God knows what else beneath the surface. He stand up, and walks right over to Eliseo. He’s ready to push him to the floor and take off all of his clothes, all at once. However, he only reaches his hand up and strokes Eli’s cheek.

Eli responds immediately, pulling Joss’s face to his and kissing him, softly, gently. Just like how Eli lives life. Joss pushes into the kiss, determined to banish this bad feeling for the last time. It’s still lingering, so he goes further, sliding his hand up Eli’s shirt until he reaches his chest. Eli shudders, and then parts their lips. He takes Joss’s hand out of his shirt, and looks him right in the eyes with a piercing gaze.

“Jocelyn Andrew Hall, you are going to sit down and compose yourself and then you’re going to tell me what happened today and why you’re throwing yourself on me like… like…”

“Like a thirsty whore?” Joss says, cracking a grin.

“Yes. Don’t laugh.” Eliseo looks like someone killed his grandmother. “It’s not funny. It’s not healthy.”

“Like you care what’s healthy or not. You’re dating a man, for fuck’s sake!” Shit. That was not supposed to be said. Joss resists the urge to crawl under the couch. I’m supposed to not complain too much or he’ll leave me.

Eli closes the space between them and forces Joss backwards onto the couch. Eli slumps against him, curling smaller and smaller until he’s the size of a child. “So that’s what this is about. I get it. You’re not going to destroy that bad feeling by having sex with me, cariño.”

Joss can feel himself lose all of his remaining control in one fell swoop. The moment is destroyed, the romance vanished into thin air like every good thing he’s ever had.

“How the hell would you know!? You’re sitting there with your great family and your awesome friends and your fucking fantastic life and you’re telling me that you know just what to do with me? You have no idea!”

Eliseo explodes. “How do you know what I’ve been through? You don’t know anything! You just talk about yourself and your problems all goddamn day without a care in the world for anyone else! What do you think I had to do? You’re a little late to this gay show, Jocelyn!”

Joss can hear Eli panting with the force of his outburst. He knows it’s true. It’s all true.

“I’m sorry.” His voice is suddenly and strongly pitiful. “I know I complain too much. I know I should talk less. I know, I’m really sorry.”

“God, Joss, no. That’s not what I meant. I don’t think you talk too much. I should have been more considerate. I’ve had years to come to terms with myself.”

“It’s all true, though. I should talk less, complain less. I should just suck it up and tough through.”

“No!” Eli seems shocked. “You don’t have to do that! You’re allowed to feel things and you’re allowed to lean on me. I don’t mind when you complain, not much. I’ll say something next time.”

“But I just completely forced myself on you.”

“You didn’t. Believe me. I just know that that’s not the way to get rid of the feeling. It’ll take time. You just have to ride it out, kinda, suck it up.”

Joss shoves his head into Eli’s chest. He can feel Eli’s arms wrap tentatively around him.

“I like you a lot, Eliseo Almonte.”

“I like you a lot too. We’ll get through this. Together.”