Warning this may be triggering for some read at your own discretion

Maybe I'm to used to the pain maybe that why this medication makes me feel uncomfortable because it shuts her out completely because I can't feel her maybe I just got to used to her being there in my mind maybe I'm to used to the pain

Maybe I'm to used to the pain the she inflicted the pain I never went with one day without maybe that's why the day my father had surgery and the doctor told us that he can't continue because our father started throwing up and that it was dark so they were afraid that it was blood and I didn't freak out I didn't hear the one in my mind my anxiety screaming at me that because they think it's blood that my father's going to die in that moment I was confused with myself because I wasn't panicking I wasn't worried I wasn't thinking about the worst things that could happen my anxiety wasn't taking control I just kept asking myself where's it at that feeling that fear that instant tightness in my chest that voice in my mind that I can't shut out I didn't know I know I should have been happy that my medication was working but I guess I just got so used to her being there that I don't know what it's like without her I should be happy I know I should all I can think is that it's lonely without her she's my demon my darkness the one I fear so why do I miss her I feel like ever since I started taking this medication she's trapped behind a sheet of glass and every time I take it that sheet of glass just gets thicker and eventually one day I won't be able to break it I have to decide am I okay with getting rid of her completely am I okay with losing her completely she was a part of me for so long am I just holding on to her because she's all I knew for so long maybe I'm only holding on because maybe I'm to used to the pain