“Earth to Columbus, do you copy?”
Yeah, I copy. But you can frack off.
Seeing as I was strapped to a rocket hurling through space and time at a quadrillion miles per hour, you can understand I wasn’t in the mood for small talk. Well, it wasn’t that dramatic but I was still royally boned. I was the sole occupant on the first manned mission to Europa, the ice cube of a moon orbiting Jupiter. The sole, heavily unqualified, occupant. Since aspects of this precarious mission were a bit misleading, you can understand that I’m a little peeved. You see, this all started about…
My body shuddered as a surge of electricity coursed through my poor little frame.
I said frack off! Can’t you tell I’m trying to have an internal monologue here? This is a momentous occas-.
“Banjo, Earth to Banjo, wake up!”
What a pain in the ass….asset. Oh yeah, and my name is Banjo. Nice to meet you, or whatever.
“Do it again.”
Another jolt of juice, presumably lemon, pumped through my body. My eyelids fluttered open but my vision was still a little blurred. My head was groggy and felt the rhythmic ache of every heartbeat from a lingering sedative hangover. Lub-dub… ow. Lub-dub… ow.
The sedative! It was starting to come back to me. The drug they gave me for takeoff was fracked. That shit…shitake mushroom wore off mid-launch, someone botched the dosage. I should have been out cold until I reached orbit but I had woken to the G force clawing at my face. The deafening roar of the engines. The shaking, I remember the shaking. I thought the whole ship was going to destroy itself and I screamed until I passed out. Pretty sure I pissed myself.
Like a curious…. uh… turtle I palpated my diaper under my jumpsuit and sure enough I had pissed myself. Probably won’t be the last time, better get used to it. My head rolled downward, saw I was still strapped into my launch chair in the dark cockpit. The only lights came from various lit up buttons and the video monitor in front of my seat, which displayed three people huddled around a table staring at me.
The grumpy old man was General Estebrook. He was the brains of the operation. There was a younger, pretty woman named Penny. She’s cool in my book. She was my trainer. The third was some middle aged, balding, nerdy looking guy, he was the chief engineer of the spaceship. I could never remember his name. It was something stupid, like Gus or Gary. I’ll call him Greg. I hated Greg.
“He’s completely zonked, sir,” said Penny. “Just look at him. He can barely keep his eyes open.”
Greg snorted. “Stupid monkey. Zap him again.”
Oh yeah, and I’m not a human. I’m also not a fuc…friggin’ monkey. I’m a proud, handsome bonobo ape. So again, nice to meet you. Also don’t call me a chimp, everyone thinks I’m a chimpanzee.
I forced my eyes open and gave a big, dramatic stretch so they wouldn’t try to “wake me up” again. I resisted the urge to lay into Greg, so I merely flipped him the bird (I learned that one from the animal handlers).
“Hey!” said Penny, “He’s responding! Banjo, are you okay?”
I snorted. I didn’t have the heart, or the sign language skills, to tell Penny the sedative wore off mid launch, resulting in a severe panic attack. Instead I gave the universal symbol for A-Okay.
“He says he’s okay,” said the ever astute General Estebrook. “Alright Banjo, congratulations. The launch was a success and you’re in stable orbit around Earth.”
“Dream come true,” I signed, dunking each hand in a vat of liquid sarcasm.
General Estebrook and Greg looked expectantly at Penny.
“He says it’s a dream come true,” she translated excitedly, clearly not picking up on my sass.
Greg rolled his eyes. “He’s just a mindless beast. Banjo doesn’t know what he wants any more than a slug would.”
Jeeze, what crawled up his assay? I’m the one who got screwed here. If only I knew how to sign that. I just gave him the bird again.
“Hey, why does he keep flipping me off? Did you teach him that, Penny?”
She raised her hands defensively.
The General plowed forward. “Banjo, you’ll remain in orbit for one week. During this time perform your health screening protocols like you did in training. We’ll call back when we’re ready to send you off to Europa.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Okay, I no choice.”
Penny looked troubled and looked at her hands. “He says okay. Do you have any questions, Banjo? Are you scared?”
I shook my head. I’ve had enough of the humans. The humans who betrayed my trust and dick…dictated me over. If I could’ve simply pushed a button to end their backstabbing existence, you can bet your assets I would press that button. I would press it so hard. I would press it with both hands!
“Good man, Banjo,” said the General. “This mission will be a piece of cake. A seven year flight there, bounce around on the moon for a week, and then a seven year flight back. We’ll be monitoring you closely to make sure all of your equipment is working properly. Just follow the automated voice guidance and we’ll call back in one week when we’re ready to send you to Europa.”
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