I opened my eyes to see Rose snuggled in between me and Nole. I smile at her peaceful face and wriggle out of the bed, finding my way to the kitchen. I quietly find my box of cigarettes and head out onto the fire escape, lighting a cigarette. I hummed the tune of my favorite song under my breath which ended in me singing the chorus.

"Girl, you waste your time on daft, pretty boys

With all the time in the world for chasing pretty girls

Yeah, you waste your time on daft, pretty boys

I've got no time to waste on another pretty face, oh

Got no time to waste on another pretty face...."

I jump when someone chuckles. "What the fuck." I hiss, staring into Nole's eyes. "You have a really nice voice." He says quietly as I turn off the music quickly. "C'mon we are going to class." He says holding out his hand to me. I press the stub into my hand and he glances at it, his lips pursing. I glare at him to not say a word and take his hand. (SELF HARM MENTIONED IN A FEW SENTENCES)

"I'm gonna go change." I say softly and kiss the top of Rose's head. She giggles and goes back to eating her waffles. I walk into my room and take a shower in the adjoined bathroom. I stare as the ribs poking through my pale chest and my eyes travel to all the cuts,scars, and burns I had on my arms,chest,thighs, and stomach. I quickly shake my head and take a shower.

I walk out with a towel around my neck as I'm buttoning my white shirt. Stupid uniform. I put on my checkered Vans and walk out. "God it's summer. How are you wearing pants?" Nole asks and I avert my gaze. "Don't like shorts." I mutter and grab my backpack. "I'm going to find Aaron." I say and quickly leave.

"Fuck I was so close to spilling." I think. "What is that boy doing to me." I mutter and smile when I see Aaron. "That smile doesn't reach your eyes." Aaron warns and my face turns to neutral. A skill I perfected years ago. "Whatever." I mutter and I wave goodbye to him after we reach my classroom.

"Have fun with exams." He says winking and I groan. "Fuck." I mutter and sit in my chair. I chew on my lip about an hour later as I stare at the math. I scribble a number and turn in the paper, grabbing my bag and rushing out of the room. I burst into the courtyard and take a deep breath of fresh air.

"Good Lord that was too long." I say and take out my phone. I scroll through it and check my Instagram. I have a pretty good following, possibly because I started to sing songs online. I smiled at the nice comments and replied to some of them. Luci texts me to come back to the med ward and hang out with her and Aaron.

"Hey." I say a few minutes later as I flop on the couch next to them. "Hey you wanna share a secret?" I ask. Luci rolls her eyes but smiles. "I'll go first, I hate you." I say and start laughing. Aaron looks confused and Luci just smacks my head. "Good God just shut up sometimes." She says but she is grinning. 

Rose comes barreling in and bounces on me. Charlotte smiles weakly and Nole comes up behind her. I hold her tight and she wriggles out of my grasp, bouncing to Aaron. I laugh at his shocked face and stand up. Nole comes over and stands by me as I start making food for them.

"Didn't know you could cook?" Nole asks in my ear sending me to jump a few inches. "Uh.. yeah." I mumble, startled. "He cooked for us allll the time." Rose says and I kept my eyes on the food. I bob my head as an answer and slide the bacon off the pan onto a  plate. I grabbed the waffles from the waffle maker and stuck them on a palate as well.

"Anyone want eggs?" I ask over my shoulder. They nod and I quickly make scrambled eggs. The toast dings and I put all the plates on the table. I smile as they all dive into eating. Roberts had joined them and I pop a piece of gum into my mouth.

"You aren't gonna eat?" Nole asks and I shake my head. "Not hungry." I mumble and go into my room, locking the door after me. I grab my guitar and strum it, letting the music fill my ears. I smile and start to sing to myself.

"One, two

One, two, three

[Pre Chorus]

I’ve been feeling so small

Watch the clock ticking off the wall

But tonight I’m letting it go

Spend my coin for sure

I’m gonna be myself

Or I could be someone else

No one’s stopping me now

I’m gonna skip my brakes

I’m gonna make mistakes

I just wanna feel alive

It’s just what I do when I’m out so

[Chorus]

Try not to hold me down

Feel alive when I’m in this town

Look at those beautiful stars

I wanna drive a faster car

Nothing can break me

No, no, nothing can break me

Try not to hold me down

Feel alive when I’m in this town

Look at the beautiful stars

I wanna take a trip to Mars

Nothing can break me

No, no nothing can break me (Ooh, Ooh, Ooh)

Look at those beautiful stars

I wanna drive a faster car

[Verse]

Lay my troubles to rest

Blow the smoke through my cigarette

City lights looking fine

And I know this is my time now

I’m gonna be myself

Or I could be someone else

No one’s stopping me now

I’m gonna skip my brakes

I’m gonna make mistakes

I just wanna feel alive

It’s just what I do when I’m out so

[Chorus]

Try not to hold me down

Feel alive when I’m in this town

Look at those beautiful stars

I wanna drive a faster car

Nothing can break me

No, no, nothing can break me

Try not to hold me down

Feel alive when I’m in this town

Look at those beautiful stars

I wanna take a trip to mars

Nothing can break me

No, no nothing can break me (Ooh, Ooh, Ooh)

Look at those beautiful stars

I wanna drive a faster car

[Bridge]

I’m gonna be myself

I’m gonna be someone else

I’m gonna be myself

I’m gonna be someone else

I’m gonna skip my brakes

I’m gonna make mistakes

I’m gonna skip my brakes

I’m gonna make mistakes

I’m gonna be myself

I’m gonna be someone else

I’m gonna be myself

I’m gonna be someone else

I’m gonna skip my brakes

I’m gonna make mistakes

I’m gonna skip my brakes

I’m gonna make mistakes

[Chorus]

Try not to hold me down

Feel alive when I’m in this town

Look at those beautiful stars

I wanna drive a faster car

Nothing can break me

No, no, nothing can break me

Try not to hold me down

Feel alive when I’m in this town

Look at the beautiful stars

I wanna take a trip to Mars

Nothing can break me

No, no, nothing can break me."

I almost laugh at the irony. I've already been broken, maybe even a thousand times over. I sigh and put my guitar down, noticing that someone was by the door. "What?" I ask softly, afraid my voice was going to fall apart. I watch as they come into the light and Nole sits next to me. "I can help you through tonight.." He offers and I nod

I move closer to him and hug him tightly. "How about we get changed." He says softly and I nod. We both get change into sweatpants and a t-shirt, I was wearing a long sleeve tee. He just glanced at me and didn't question it. I hugged him tightly under the covers, falling in a fitful sleep.

"PLEASE NO. YOU HAVE TO BE LYING." I scream and wake up in a cold sweat. Nole looks up form his book confused and I move toward the bathroom,feeling the bile coming up my throat. I throw up into the toilet. I cover my nose from the smell and fall backwards.

"Damien are you ok?" Nole asks and I wipe away my tears. "Y-yeah." I say. "God you are burning up." He mumbles after feeling my forehead. I flinch from his touch. "Damien can I take your shirt off so you can breathe a bit more?" He asks softly.

I shake my head and he sighs. "Please?" He asks and I stare at his face. "Fine." I mutter and take it off. I go straight to the toilet and throw up again. He holds my hair out of my face and Roberts comes in. "I heard- ohhhh." He says quietly. "Hand him to me." He commands and Nole hands me over.

Roberts takes me to the bigger bathroom and strips off my pants, setting me into the bath. He turns on the water and Nole looks a bit confused. "This calms him down." Roberts says, remembering all the times my past roommates had come in and dropped me here during these episodes.

My breathing slowly becomes normal and I shakily stand up. I run to the toilet and throw up one more time. I sit back against the tub and stare a the lights. I feel someone pick me up as I close my eyes. I wake up and run to the bathroom again, dry heaving. Nole sleepily looks at me and hold me.

"Hey, it's ok." He whispers over and over again throughout the night whenever I wake up and go to the bathroom. We decided to just sleep in the bathroom so I didn't keep tripping over shit. I blink blearily and see that the sun is shining outside my window. Nole is gone and I stand up, looking at myself in the mirror.

There are huge raccoon circles under my eyes and I was paler than usual. I put on one of my oversized hoodies and walk out. I was surprised when I saw Aaron and Luci talking to Nole. I walked over. "H-hi guys." I say, my voice hoarse from last night. "You look terrible." Luci states and Nole pokes her.

"I mean she's not wrong." Aaron mumbles and stares at my legs. "What?"? I snap and he just blinks. "Hmmm." He says smirking. "What?" I ask again and look down. There were marks all along them. I glanced at Nole who realized and blushed. "No it's not like that." I say and leave it at that.

I flop on the couch and turn on the tv. "Bye guys. We are leaving for our homes today." Luci says and gives me a kiss on the cheek. I nod absentmindedly. She sighs and whispers something I can't hear to Nole and they leave. I stare at the tv but don't process the information.

"Damien?" Nole asks quietly and I don't respond. I stand up and stretch, taking off my hoodie. He glances away but I feel his eyes on my burns,cuts, and scars. He doesn't say anything when his eyes spot the small tattoo over my heart. I had a shit ton of small tattoos all over my body. I have a ying and yang over my heart. My ribs have small words written on them.

He doesn't say a word and I walk to my room. I pull on a tank top and shorts. I pull out my guitar and start playing songs mindlessly until I pass out.