"Troye, honey. It's time to wake up."
Rolling over, I groan at the sunlight infiltrating my bedroom. "What time is it?"
"Nearly eleven." Mum responds. "I made you breakfast. It's in the kitchen."
"Thanks." I murmur, shutting my eyes.
Mum sits down on the bed and looks around. "Not much has changed, huh?"
She looks around at the grey walls of my childhood bedroom, each space filled with posters or photographs. Nothing had changed since I'd moved out. "I'm still waking you up after a night of partying."
I scoff. "Last night was hardly a party. You made me watch a horror movie."
"It beats playing poker." Mum laughs and I groan in response.
Mum rubs my back gently. "Do you want to talk about it?"
I peer up at her from under the covers. "Talk about what?"
"Well Jack ran out of here pretty fast last night and then you announced that you were staying over before going to bed. Did you guys have a fight?"
Burying my head under the pillow, I turn on my side. "I don't want to talk about it."
"You and Jack never fight." Mum continues, rubbing slow circles on my shoulder. "Troye, please talk to me."
Sighing, I roll over to face her. "It was nothing, mum." I mutter. "We just had a disagreement."
"About what?"
I look away and mum sighs. She looks down at me with a concerned expression. "Honey, I just want to help. You and Jack are thick as thieves. He ran out of here last night like he was on fire. Not to mention, he left you stranded without a car."
Looking away, I whisper, "He kissed me."
"What?" Mum stands up in shock. "When?"
"Last night behind the pool house."
"Wow," Mum breathes.
I sit up, raising an eyebrow. "You're not surprised."
Guilt takes over my mother's features. "Well, I-"
"Oh my god." I whisper. "You knew, didn't you? You knew he likes me."
"Troye, I-"
"God dammit!" I throw back the covers and stand up, running a hand through my hair. "Everyone knew but me, didn't they? Aria, you, hell, I bet even dad knows."
Mum looks away and I gape. "You've got to be kidding me."
My mother stands up. "Troye," she says. "You have to understand, Jack never wanted to get in the way of what you and Cameron had."
"Cameron's dead, mum!" I shout, causing her to flinch. "He's been dead for three years! Jack had three years to tell me!"
"The timing wasn't right." she replies gently. "Back in high school, I knew there was something between you two, whether it was one-sided or not. Jack came to me when he was in his senior year."
"He did?"
She nods. "He was distraught, Troye. He knew you loved Cameron and he would never do anything to jeopardise that. You have to understand his point of view. You may not be grieving anymore but you still haven't really let Cameron go. Jack was the one sitting back watching you go through all of this and he wanted to so badly to help you. He came to me."
"What did he say?"
She sighs. "I'm not sure I should be telling you this."
"Mum, please."
Her shoulders drop in defeat. "He said 'I love your son and I want to help him get through this. What do I do?'"
I gape. "He said that?"
Mum nods. "I know you're probably feeling betrayed right now. Aria knew because they were friends in high school and he would confide in her. I had the feeling something was going on and so did your father, but we didn't know for sure until Jack came to us."
When I don't respond, mum cocks her head. "Troye?"
I shut my eyes. "I kissed him."
"What?" When?" Mum exclaims.
I shake my head. "No, last night. I was the one who kissed him first. He just reciprocated."
"Oh my god." Mum covers her mouth as she stares at me in surprise. "Do you...?"
Biting my lip, I look away. "I don't know. And that terrifies me, mum! I don't know what to do. Gabriel wants to meet me when I go to New York and Jack is going to be there. What am I supposed to do?"
"Oh Troye," she hurries over to me and embraces me, rubbing my back gently. "It's going to be okay."
"When I asked Jack last night, I just knew. But he said nothing would come of it."
Mum gently brushes the tears forming in my eyes. She places her hands firmly on my shoulders and looks into my eyes. "Troye, be honest with me."
"Okay?"
"Do you love Jack?"
"I-I don't know," I whimper. "I want to say no but something just keeps pulling me in the other direction."
"And this Gabriel guy, how do you feel about him?"
"How can I feel?" I ask. "He's really nice and really sweet but I've never met him. Now that I know about Jack, how can I go to New York to meet someone else? I would just be breaking his heart all over again. I already betrayed him with Cameron."
"Troye Evans you listen to me." Mum says fiercely. "You did not betray Jack by being with Cameron. Jack knows this, now I need you to know it too. You chose Cameron because he made you happy and Jack never said anything because he knew that. You don't owe Jack anything."
"I kissed him, mum!" I exclaim. "How can I go to New York and meet Gabriel when I kiss someone else and run off!"
Mum brushes the hair out of my eyes. "I admit, it's a tough one. At the end of the day, you need to think long and hard about this. Who do you want to be with?"
"I don't know." I whisper. "Gabriel is a really nice guy, but I've known Jack my whole life. Where does this leave our friendship?"
"Well, you have to decide now if it's only a friendship. Otherwise, you'll just be hurting Gabriel, Jack and yourself."
I groan miserably. "Why is this so hard?"
Mum pats my back, giving me a sympathetic smile. "I know you haven't had the best of luck when it comes to love, honey. I don't want to tell you who to choose but when you were younger, you always used to tell me you just wanted someone who can make you laugh. Think about who will do that."
With that said, she leaves the room to let me dwell in my thoughts.
***
"Call me if you need anything!" Mum calls through the open window as she drops me off at home.
I climb out of the car. "I will, thanks mum."
"If I don't see you before, have a great trip to New York. I know you're going to kill it!" she smiles before driving away and I sigh.
New York. What a mess.
Trudging into the building, I step into the elevator and make my way up to our floor. I hesitate outside the door for a moment before swallowing my nerves and pushing forward.
The apartment stood still and no sound could be heard. Frowning, I walk down the hallway to Jack's room only to discover he was no inside. He also wasn't in the kitchen or the living room.
Great. I think to myself. He's not even here.
Sitting down on the couch, I tucked my legs under my and stared at the wall. The TV switched on and I watched in boredom at some random show playing.
I don't know how long I waited until suddenly the front door was opening and footsteps sounded down the hallway.
"Troye." Jack said, startled. He came into the room holding a laundry basket in his arms. So that's where he had been.
"I didn't realise you were home." Jack said.
"Mum dropped my off." I replied and Jack nodded slowly.
I stood and walked towards him. "We need to talk."
"Yes." Jack's knuckles were turning white as he gripped the laundry basket tightly. "I think we should."
Turning, he puts the basket down the countertop before looking back to me, wiping his hands on his faded jeans. "You want to talk now?"
Nodding, I lead him over to the couch.
There was no denying that the tension in the room was thick. Sitting cross-legged on the couch, I inhaled deeply before saying, "About last night,"
"Troye," Jack sits down on the couch opposite me. "I want to apologise."
"Apologise?"
"Yes. I panicked and abandoned you and for that I'm sorry."
"Oh," I said, awkwardly clearing my throat. "Are you sorry about anything else?"
"Yes." His tone was firm. "I'm sorry I kissed you."
I swallowed slowly, fighting to meet his gaze. The words are coming out of my mouth before I can think.
"Do you regret it?" I whispered. I have to know.
"Yes. It was wrong of me to kiss you."
His tone was definite but his eyes weren't sincere. He was lying.
"I kissed you." I reminded him.
Jack nodded. "I know, but I reciprocated. I'm just as much to blame."
"Because that's what this was?" I asked heatedly, frustration rising. I stood up. "A mistake? Something that requires blame and regret?"
"Troye, no-"
"How long?" I demanded.
That caught him off guard. "What?"
"How long have you liked me?"
He looked away. "It's more than like."
"How long, Jack?"
Jack's shoulders dropped in defeat as he looked back to me. "Years," he said honestly. "Years, Troye."
I nodded, fighting my emotions. "And you never told me."
"I couldn't." Jack said. "What you had with Cam was special. I would never forgive myself if I ruined something like that, especially when it's you."
"All this time you've been teaching me about falling in love," I said. "You, Aria, my mum, all the people I've spoken to this about, you all knew."
He waited for me to continue.
"They all knew, didn't they?" Tears had begun to form in my eyes. "I feel like such an idiot."
"Troye, no-" Jack hurried over to me, wiping my cheek gently with the cuff of his sleeve. "It's my fault. I never told you."
"Because you didn't want to hurt me, right?" I cried, stepping away from him. "Do you have any idea how I felt when you ran out of there last night, Jack? When you apologised for kissing me like I was a mistake. I felt so pathetic."
"You're not pathetic." He kissed my knuckles. "I am. I feel horrible knowing I hurt you like that but it'll only get worse if we don't move on now."
"What do you mean?"
"You're too good for me, Troye." Jack said, shocking me. "You always have been. You are this ray of sunshine and I'm the dark cloud in the background. We don't work."
"How can you know that?" I pushed. "How could you possibly think you don't deserve me when you're you?"
I didn't give him a chance to respond. Stepping forward, I cupped his face in my hands. "You're all I want." I said. "I think, maybe you always have been."
Jack gently pushed my arms down until we weren't touching at all. The look in his eyes was heart-breaking.
"I'm older than you." he said. "I am at my highest point and this is my life. But it isn't yours. You're still growing, still climbing the ladder. You're a highly sought-after model with a killer portfolio and one phone call from any of your agents would have every magazine on their knees begging to work with you."
Jack shook his head. "You are all the bright places. You have so much potential, Troye. This is as good as it's going to get for me. I won't tie you down to that."
"I can't believe you think so little of yourself." I said, somewhat angrily. "That you think this is all you can amount to. Jack, you're not old. You have a bright future, with or without the job you have now, but your job title isn't what defines you. The person you are on the inside is what defines you, and I happen to love who that guy is."
I closed the gap between us, unable to believe what I was about to say. The three words I hadn't said in three years.
"It's you." I took his hands in mine. "I lov-"
Jack dipped his hands from mine and just like that, my world came crashing down around me. The pieces shattered on the floor and I could feel each shard digging into my skin, broken and aching.
"You can't." Jack cried, tears welling. "We're friends Troye, and that's all we ever can be."
"But you don't want that," I pushed. "We both don't want that."
He shook his head furiously. "No, no we can't-"
"Do you love me?"
Jack stopped, looking at me shakily. "What?"
"Do you love me?" I demanded, because I had to know."
He looked away and I knew. I knew.
"Then what's the problem?" I asked.
The look in Jack's eyes tore a hole through me. "It will never be enough." he whispered. "I can't ever be enough for you."
"Jack, you're already more than that."
"I'm not."
"You are. Don't you get it? All these months of helping me find myself again romantically, it could've never been anyone else."
"What about Gabriel?"
"What about him?" I asked. "The only question I want answered is you and me."
Jack said, "No."
And then he left the room and for the first time after those three years, I thought that maybe this was what it felt like to be truly broken.
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