I hadn’t been happy in a very long time. So I went to Raptor Jesus.

He sat in the church, on a throne of gold studded with jewels. A mane of feathers sat atop his reptilian snout. No one knew if it was real or a wig and no one was brave enough to ask.

The servants stood on either side of the room, and watched as I approached our prehistoric lord and savior.

“Lord Raptor Jesus,” I said, kneeling before him, and kissing his clawed, scaly feet.

“Yes my child?” He said.

“I’m not in a good way. I feel…drained. I’m tired all the time. I don’t feel motivated, or excited about anything. I can’t feel joy. Nothing makes me happy. I don’t know what to do. I just want to sleep all day.”

“WEAR A SILLY HAT!” the lizard God shrieked.

I jumped.

Raptor Jesus clicked his raptor claws, and a servant appeared, with a large tray. On this tray was a series of unusual hats.

“Pick one,” Raptor Jesus said.

“I don’t understand,” I asked.

“Pick one, and you will be happy.”

I froze. I wanted to ask more, but it seemed somehow rude. He was Raptor Jesus after all. He probably knew what he was talking about.

I turned to the tray with the hats. I picked up one that was shaped like a golden egg, and had two curved white horns sticking out the top. It looked like something a Viking would wear.

I put that one on, and turned to Raptor Jesus.

“Feel better?” He asked.

I shrugged. “A little.”

“EXCELLENT!!!” Raptor Jesus clapped, and the servants joined him. “ANOTHER CHILD LIFTED FROM DARKNESS!!!”

“Praise be to Raptor Jesus!” the servants exclaimed.

I still stood before the throne, not sure what to do, or how to feel. Then suddenly, three of the servants approached, and gently lifted me into the air.

“Go forth my child,” Raptor Jesus said, “A new life awaits.”

The servants carried me outside the church, and gently lowered me to the ground. They went inside, and slammed the door behind me. I stood there for a few moments, and then walked home with my Viking hat.

I sold it, and then bought some crack.