I realize this apology has come too late. I realize that because here I am standing on a patch of newly planted grass with a slab of stone in front of me. It read your name. LOVING WIFE, MOTHER, and GRANDMOTHER. I smiled. You lived a whole life. You left a legacy. I frowned. I left nothing. Just regrets. Regrets with how much love I wasted. How much time I let slip through my fingers. I placed a bouquet of peonies against the marble. You once told me you loved these little pink flowers. You said they had healing powers. I told you that it was nonsense. Nonetheless, when you were sick, I would always bring you a bunch because I don't think it mattered if I thought they worked- it only mattered if you thought so. You believed in nonsensical things. I loved that about you. I never believed in such superstitious things. I always had a very pinhole way of thinking. I refused to look around me and see life for what it was. After you left, I retreated into my ways even more because the thought of seeing things the way you did left me shaking in distress. I needed to distance myself from you. I needed space. I needed- well, I needed you. But you had left, and I was left all alone with my thoughts that refused to wander further than what I could see, so I just did nothing for years. I worked. Ate. Slept. Ate. Worked. I stopped living because living was too painful. Looking back, I probably should have killed myself. It would've been the most productive thing that I could've done. But I think a drop- while invisible to the naked eye- of hope laid deep in my heart. I thought if I would die and then you would want me back, how foolish would that be? I would beg G-d to send me back. Tell Him I've had enough of death. Tell Him I need to go back. But He would say no because that's not how it works. You don't get to pick and choose when you come and go. You can't return because you want to. For that reason, I did not end my own life. You once told me that you thought life was too much to handle. When I told you that it would be possible as long as we were together you laughed. I guess I should have laughed too. You were the one who was able to handle it without me. I, on the other hand, was not. I crumbled without you. You know this. I’ve said it so many times throughout this letter. I need you. I need you.