POV: Dillion Smiley

I stare at my phone for what feels like forever. This can’t be happening. Someone knows! Someone from my church no doubt by their stupid safe space talk. They probably want me to repent my sins and ask God for forgiveness. Well, fuck you!

Fuck.

Shit.

How did I let this happen?

I quickly exit out of my messages and toss my phone onto my bed. Then I grab my clothes and head for the shower.

If they go to my church, they will definitely show my parents. It’s over, it’s all over.

“God this can’t be happening.” I whimper as the shower head blast water at me.

Fuck! Fucking fuck, fuck, fuck!

This is all Stormy’s fault. She said no one would find us, she said no one would see. Well, they did! Ahh! What do I do? What if it gets out a school? No. please no. If Rebel sees it she will use it to take me down. She’ll destroy me. fuck!

Stop it! stop crying, this is no time for tears. This is a time to figure out who has it and how the hell you can convince them to keep their mouth shut. It’s someone from the church it has to be. Maybe if I ask them not to tell my parents, tell them that it’s not safe they will understand.

“Hey, you okay in there?” Trina called

“Yep!” I lie.

I bet she can hear me crying.

Fuck.

I have to get it together.

“You sure?” She cracks open the door.

“Yes, god I’m fucking fine. Get off my ass.” I snap at her.

“Alright, geez, just checking on you.” She grumbles before closing the door.

But I’m not fine. I don’t know if I’ve ever been fine. I hate my life. Of course, this would happen to me, of all the fucking people who this could have happened to, of course, it’s me. Maybe it’s karma, maybe Rebel is right about me. I am a monster. This is why this is happening to me.

I get out of the shower and walk to my room. Mom is there, this time she is snooping through my laptop. God, I really can’t with her shit right now.

“I’m not hiding anything.” I lie.

She eyes me, my bruised cheek and puffy red eyes.

She just huffs and gets up to leave.

“Mom.” I stop her.

She halts by the door.

“Why don’t you believe me?” I ask.

There is a long stretch of silence. She doesn’t answer the question she just leaves and slams the door. I flinch at the sound.

I curl up on my bed and look at my phone. This is it, this marks the last night before it all goes to hell. I didn’t even like the sex. What a waste.

I grab my phone and stare at the text.

‘It’s okay, I won’t tell anyone. I just want to talk. You can talk to me. I want to create this safe space for you. No one will know, whatever you tell me stays between us. So if you need someone to talk to, it’s okay. You can talk to me.’

I feel my tears welling up again.

Oh, how I wish this were true.

But I am not stupid enough to fall for this. I’ll prove they're a fake. The moment I ask them not to tell my parents they are going to ask me to repent. I’d bet a 100 dollars on it.

‘Please don’t tell my parents. It’s not safe, they wouldn’t accept me. I don’t know who you are, but please. My life is literally in your hands.’ I send.

I’m not even being dramatic, I don’t know what they would do if they found out that I kissed a girl. Even worse, I liked it. It would just prove my mom right, that I was hiding something all along. She would do so much more than slap me.

I stare at my phone and wait.

And wait.

Wait some more.

And they probably already sent the video to my parents.

That’s why they are not responding.

Which means I am in danger.

I quickly get up and lock my door.

It’s not safe here. Nowhere is safe anymore. I rest my head against the door. Maybe I should just run away, change my name and start a whole new life. A better life. Do people like me even deserve second chances?

I am just a monster after all…

My phone dings.

Should I even look? I already know what they are going to say. Too late. It’s over. I’m so stupid. How could I let this happen? I let my guard down. I let Stormy get to me. This is all my fault.

I slowly drag my feet across the carpet and over to the phone. I open the text and read it.

‘It’s okay. I won’t tell anyone. I promise. I am sorry your parents won’t accept you. That must be awful. You can tell me about it if you want to.’

Who is this person?

No repent you filthy sinner, no your parents deserve to know, no threat, just safe…

‘who are you?’ I ask again.

‘I am like you. I like girls too. My parents know and they accept me. I just want to help you. If you need to talk, I am here.’ They respond.

So they must be a lesbian. But who? I didn’t know there were other people like me at my church. Wait her parents accept her, yet she still goes to church? Wired, I guess.

‘Lucky, my mom hates me. she slaps me all the time. I have to cover my bruises with makeup.’ I send.

The true test.

If they are really a safe space then telling them stuff like that would be okay. They won’t call the cops or anything.

‘That’s awful. I’m sorry you have to live like that.’ They respond.

‘Sometimes I think about running away.’ I don’t know why I send that, but I just need to get it off my chest. I need someone to talk to. I need a safe space.

‘Where would you go?’

‘I don’t know. I don’t really have anywhere to run, I guess that’s part of the thrill of it. I could just go wherever and start all over. A place where no one knows me and there isn’t so much pressure to be this perfect little princess.’ I type.

‘No one is perfect. You don’t have to try so hard. I am sure people would understand.’

‘I am perfect. I have to be. If I am not, then what is the point of it? My sister will always be better than me at everything, I am not good at anything. If I don’t pretend to be perfect I am no one. A nobody not worth even looking at. It’s better to be perfect with no friends because that way people think you don’t have any friends because you are too perfect. No one will know that it’s just because no one likes me.’

‘That’s a very sad way to live. I would be your friend, whether you were perfect or not.’

‘You wouldn’t if you really knew me. Someone recently told me I am an awful monster. And I think she is right. I just didn’t want to admit it. I can’t even be a decent human being.’

‘There is always time to change. We are who we are because of our actions, we can always change and do the right thing.’

‘You wouldn’t understand.’

‘Maybe I understand better than you know. I recently had to make a choice. The actions of it could have gone either way. One way would have hurt someone, but I chose differently. We don’t have to give into peer pressure. Maybe I don’t know what it’s like to be you, but I still think you have a chance to be a better person. Everyone deserves a second chance.’

I stare at the phone screen.

Who is this person? I want to meet them. I want to hug them, to cry on their shoulder and have them tell me this stuff in person. I don’t even know them, they are a complete stranger, yet I trust them more than I have ever trusted anyone else in my entire life.

They get me.

They understand.

They believe in me.

No one has ever done that before.

‘That girl in the video, I don’t even like her. She is just using me.’ I send.

‘Then why do you sleep with her?’

‘Who else would want to be with someone like me? No one even knows I like girls. It’s not safe for me to come out. People would make fun of me.’

‘I wouldn’t.’

‘What’s one person versus hundreds? You probably don’t even go to my school.’

‘I think if you stopped hiding and pretending to be someone you aren’t, you might have more friends, people just like you. You may think the world would laugh at you, but I think you would be surprised to see that there are people just like you. Too afraid to come out.’

‘I’ll probably die before I come out. Or maybe coming out will get me killed. I don’t know, either or. Everyone in my family is a super huge, church going, bible thumping, homophobes. Not only would my school life be ruined, but my home life would get very tense. It’s not worth it. I’d rather be miserable for the rest of my life. Probably not what you want to hear, but it’s the truth.’

‘no one said you had to come out right this moment. I get it, it’s not safe. But maybe by making small changes, little by little, you can make it a safer place. I can help you. I’ll always be here for you to talk to. Anything you need to talk about, you let me know.’

‘who are you?’

‘a friend.’