Seth

I woke up but something felt kind of weird. I looked over and I was face to face with Ryan. Why was Ryan in my room and in my bed? I tried to get up without waking him up, but his arm was around my waist and he was holding me kind of tight.

Then he moved and his eyes opened.

“Um sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up.” I said moving away from him and then falling off the bed with a loud thump. “Ow!”

“Are you okay?” He said laughing a little.

“Yeah I’m fine. Why are you in my room?” I asked kind of confused

“You were having a nightmare so I kind of comforted you and by the time you were calm I was tired and I didn’t want to wake you up.” He said sitting up and wiping his face with his hand.

“Oh well I um appreciate it. I didn’t say anything did I?”

“No, you were just kind of sweaty and moving around frantically plus you were on the floor.” He lied standing up right in front of me.

I don’t really know why I was thinking this, but I couldn’t get over how kind he was. He didn’t even know me, and he was willing to help me get through a nightmare. All I could think about at that moment was kissing him. But I can’t because it’s absolutely disgusting to think or do those types of things with a man.

I just couldn’t help it because he was to good looking. I’m sure he had a lot of girlfriends throughout his life.

I turned my head away from him and looked at the floor ashamed of myself for thinking those despicable thoughts.

“Um thanks.” I said and stood up but a sudden dizziness came over me and I ended up falling into him which made us both fall.

“Oh god, I-I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to fall on you. I swear!” I said and got off of him. I was so pissed at myself not only for falling on him but for getting aroused at the contact. So, since he was probably disgusted by me I decided I’d just leave the room and come back when he was asleep. Why was I like this? I felt so disgusted and my skin was burning but I didn’t care because I deserved it.

I quickly stepped past him and all but ran down the stairs to the main lobby. I didn’t hear him come after me and I was glad but why did I also feel disappointed. Why was I so disgusting? Why did I want him to come after me?

I found a dark alley and decided this was probably the best spot to punish myself. Every time I told my mom about me having a thought that involved a guy, she would tell me to punish myself and I just… I just can’t stop myself from doing it anymore.

Since the alley was completely empty, I just compromised, so instead of using a whip I took my belt off and began.