The party at HEMO was quite good that night. With few exceptions the whole company was there, drinking, dancing, or just puking in the nearest bush because of intoxication. Only the most important person didn’t seem to arrive, and because of that, I couldn’t let myself go. I decided, the best way to help my situation was a round of Bailey’s. Or seven. I sent the sweet liquor down my throat every ten minutes, which was just as destructive on my bank account as on my ability to think clearly. After at least a whole bottle of Bailey’s and two hours later, when Adri’s arrival seemed clearly impossible, I took out my phone and called her. All she said she was sorry, but couldn’t make herself to leave the comfort of the barrack. There went my great plan out of the window.
I grabbed my stuff and stumbled back to the base. I didn’t need any more liquid courage, but I could’ve used a rail to lean on for the whole way. I clumsily went up the stairs to our level, and when I passed the faculty room, I heard sounds emerge from there. I peeked in, and there I found Adri watching some movie in her nightie. Probably that was the last thing my drunk, tired, crazy in love, and sexually frustrated mind needed, especially because I knew Adri didn’t wear anything under it.
"Hey" she smiled.
God, she’s so adorable, and now I’m about to make her world collapse. - I would’ve thought if I had the ability of thinking at that moment.
"You set me up" I sighed as I collapsed on the chair next to her.
"I know, and I’m really sorry. I really wanted to go, but as I was laying on the bed, I lost all my drive to leave. Please don’t be mad at me."
"I won’t. You know me, I’m not the type to hold a grudge."
"You haven’t talked to that boy from the second platoon ever since the first week."
"Yeah, but he grabbed my ass. That’s a whole other situation."
"You two were dancing, and he was wasted."
"Me too, yet I didn’t grab his."
"I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have minded it" said Adri and immediately burst out laughing. I couldn’t help but join her.
"What are you doing, by the way?" I asked after we regained our breaths.
"Watching a movie."
"Is it any good?"
"Nah" she shook her head. God, she was like shampoo commercial level sexy as her hair flew in the air.
It was followed by a short silence. I was able to hold myself together enough to form more or less coherent sentences, but it didn’t mean I also had the capability of thinking. I had no idea how to bring the topic up, but we know the liquid courage has never been bothered by such trivialities.
"You asked me if I’m into any of the guys in our company" I said to break the silence.
"Yes. Why? Did something happen in the HEMO?" she winked.
I felt so stupid. It was everything but the proper way of bringing this up. If I hadn’t been drunk, I’m completely sure I would’ve done differently.
"No. You know… we talked a lot about this, and…" I paused. Stupid words that don’t want to come in your mouth when you need them the most.
"You always avoided to answer. I noticed. Whoever the guy is, I thought you had a good reason not to talk about him."
"Well… that’s it. So…" I sighed "there is not a single guy.
"How do you mean?" she looked at me puzzled. "You must into somebody if you act so strange about it."
‘Yes, you’ I thought, but fortunately I wasn’t nearly drunk enough to lose all the filter between my brain and mouth.
"It’s not about that… it’s…" I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "I’m not into guys at all."
In an instant, her legs she kept conveniently on a chair in the next row, jerked back to her chest as a shield, and she crossed her arms over it. Her behavior shifted from friendly to defensive in a second.
"Do you mean… do you mean that you’re a lesbian?" she asked accusingly.
"Are you mad at me?"
"When we go to the shower together…"
"I don’t!" I answered quickly because I knew all too well what she was going to ask. I knew cause I’ve been asked the same question numerous times, and the worst of all, in Adri’s case, the suspicion was perfectly justified. “I have never stared at you. I mean… just because I’m a lesbian, I won’t be a pervert voyeur." No, I’m being that is completely unrelated to that I’m a lesbian - I continued the sentence in my thoughts.
She looked at me silently for some very long seconds, and if I were religious, this would’ve been the moment when I started to pray for her to speak because everything would’ve been better than this quiet.
"Why… why did you wait so long to tell? And if you waited, why did you tell it at all?"
"Because at first, I was afraid what you would say. I was afraid everyone would learn it, and I’d be an outcast."
"And aren’t you afraid of it anymore?"
"I am, but if you look a bit closer…" I lovered my voice like I was going to tell a secret "I’m a bit tipsy at the moment."
"Okay, but why did you tell it now?"
"Because we get along so well, and I figured I don’t want to build our friendship on a lie."
"When you say friendship…" she left the sentence open.
"I mean friendship. I know, this must be hard to believe it now, but I’m the same girl you believed I was five minutes ago."
Instead of an answer, I got another long stare.
"You do know that… I’m not attracted to women, right?"
"You made that clear very early."
"And when we talk so much, you don’t think… you don’t think there could be more between us."
"I do not. I promise I have no ulterior motives."
She studied me distrustfully. I’ve never seen her like that.
"Why should I believe you?"
"All I can give you is my word for it. If I planned to hit on you, I wouldn’t have come out to you now."
She was staring into the emptiness and breathed heavily. I couldn’t tell if she was angry, disappointed, anxious or all of them together, but my heart was pounding so hard, it barely could stay in my chest.
"Look" I continued with trembling voice. "I know I dumped it on you unexpectedly, but I’d like to be your friend, and that’s not possible if I keep such a huge secret from you."
"That’s… that’s understandable, but I don’t know what to say now."
"You don’t have to say anything, just let everything to stay the same as they were. You know me, you know what kind of girl I am, please don’t change your opinion about me just because I’m into women."
"I’m sorry, but I really need time to process it" she closed the conversation down. She got up and walked to the door.
"Please, don’t tell this to the others" I begged her before she left the room.
"I won’t" she told wryly.
I held myself together as long as I heard her steps in the hall, but as soon as the silence took over the building, I burst out crying. “I fucked this up so badly!”
I don’t know for how long I wept there like a baby, but it took quite a long time to pick myself up. I tumbled thru the dark hall to our room and entered. Adri was still awake, but as soon as she saw it was me, she turned away from the door. I was close once again to start crying, but I managed to keep it in. ‘She really does hate me!’ I walked to my bed got rid of my clothes and collapsed on it in my underwear. I tried to sleep, but dreamland was busy avoiding me. When the others got back an hour later, I was still wide awake. It was almost 2 AM when I finally fell asleep.
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