The next day I didn’t dare even to look at Adri, and what made it even worse, she clearly did everything to avoid me. During the morning preparations, the breakfast, and for the indoor classes where we always sat next to each other, she found herself a new seat, at the furthest corner of the room. That was the point where even the most oblivious members of our platoon started to realize something was wrong. Fortunately all she told them was we had an argument. At least she kept my secret, but honestly, being a full on outcast wouldn’t have been any worse at the moment. I was so down, I’d have rather cried all day long, even though I swear I’m anything but the weeping type. I acquiesced that Adri was never gonna be mine, long before I came out to her, but being hated by her was too much. ‘I should never have told her!’
The day was passing in a painfully slow manner. Despite that Fridays were the shortest ones, this was longer than any we spent with 16 hours of combat training in the harshest possible conditions. Every other time it was Adri’s presence that helped me thru the worst moments of the boot camp, now it was the very reason for my pain. Couldn’t wait to get as far away as possible from her. From this pain.
When it finally was leaving time, everybody was saying their goodbyes, only Adri and I avoided each other.
We were allowed to spend our weekend at home, but the last thing I wanted was to go home to my place in Fehérvár and spend three nights alone with my misery. So I basically drove around the capitol aimlessly. Who would you turn to in such moments like this?
Friends? Yes, I had friends, but despite my generally extroverted nature, I had none actually close with whom I would’ve wanted to share such painful feelings. Well, I didn’t until five weeks earlier.
Brother? Yeah, I mean I had a brother I could turn to with literally ANYTHING, but I merely a few months ago moved out from his house. I abused his, and Marcsi’s hospitality enough already. I lived at theirs ever since two years ago my parents - well, not plural, just my mom - kicked me out right after that infamous coming out of mine. They didn’t hesitate for a single second to offer me a place where I could stay, but they hardly expected me to stay there for two years. They’ve never made me feel like I was a burden for them, and I did my best to make myself useful also to give them as much personal space as I could. But it wasn’t nearly ideal for anyone.
Parents? It wasn’t even a year since Sanyi’s agressive negotiatons reached their goal, and managed to make my mother and I actually talk to each other again. It wasn’t pretty, but we talked. But even if I put this, and my sexuality aside… We never had a good relationship. The more she tried to control me, the more I rebelled against her, which made her try to control me even more… it was a downward spiral that pushed our relationship toward a catastrophe with an increasing speed. It would’ve been enough, if either of us showed some will to compromise, but anyone who believes it was a real possibility for either of us, didn’t pay attention enough so far. Even if our personalities had alarming similarities, our worldviews couldn’t have been any more different. Of course it would be an easy excuse for my screwups to say, it was entirely my mother’s fault that my teenager years were so occupied with rebelling against her, that I didn’t realize until right after graduation that I had zero idea what to do with my life. It would be an easy excuse, and it would also mean I didn’t intentionally escalate the situation several times. Needless to say, I only screwed myself up with it. Had I paid attention in high school instead of constantly battling with my mother, I’d probably have been college senior now, instead of wasting the last four years of my life on shitty paying dead-end jobs and meaningless sexual escapades without getting any closer to reach my life goals. Sure, to reach them it would’ve helped if I had any.
After this, I think it’s needless to say I went home to my parents, as that was the choice with the least sense in it.
When I arrived, mom greeted me with a wide smile on her face. She was a little suspicious about my previously undisclosed visit, but fortunately, she didn’t force the topic any further. Of course, she had to ask if I had a boyfriend already. Coming to terms with me being lesbian in her case meant she didn’t have a spite against my “chosen lifestyle” anymore. It didn’t stop her from hoping I’d finally see reason. I knew very well that was never gonna happen, but she was my mother, and despite everything I loved her, and matured enough already to know, sometimes when silence can prevent an unnecessary fight, it’s smarter to choose that.
Not much later my brother arrived with his wife Marcsi and their son Ádi. I was surprised by the family gathering, but as it turned out, unlike mine, their visit was actually planned. After we greeted each other, Sanyi immediately dragged me away from the others.
"What is the matter, sis?" he asked when we were out of the earshot of everybody.
"Why? What could possibly be?" I acted the happy.
"Don’t try to hustle me, sis, you’ve never been good at that."
As much as I hate to admit, he was right about that. I’ve been a great liar, but he had a special ability to sense when I wasn’t telling the truth.
"I’m not trying to hustle you. There’s nothing wrong, really."
"Don’t make me hang you out the window again."
"You wouldn’t be able to do that anymore" I stuck my tongue out at him.
"Yup, I see you grew some tummy fat" he said as he pinched my stomach.
"Hey!"
"What, did it hurt?"
"That’s not what I complained about."
"I know" he grinned smugly. I could so punch him in the face when he does that, but he’s quicker than me.
"You also know that it cries for my malicious revenge, right?"
"You’d have to get up much earlier to surprise me, and as far as I remember, that’s never been your strong suit."
"You are not nearly as funny as you think."
"Oh, I am. But my inie minie tiny littly sis doesn’t likey when she is joked with."
I must’ve looked really mad at him, cause he turned serious in a second.
"Oh-key. No witty comebacks? There must be some serious problem then. So, spill it out. Come on."
I shook my head.
"I won’t leave you alone until you tell it. You know that well."
Unfortunately, he was right about that. He had a wonderful talent to jig on one’s nerves until they told him what he wanted to know. I came here to bury my head in the sand about my problem, but talking about it didn’t look so bad idea either. Because if my brother had any other talent than being a huge pain in the ass, it was his ability to make everything better just by listening to what I had to say. I used to believe we hate each other. Despite he was almost seven years older than me, the most of my childhood was spent with this oh-so-typical war within siblings. We loved each other… somewhere… deep down… really deep. Really-REALLY deep.
I didn’t realize how great of a brother he was until the most awkward moment of my life. I could never forget that moment. I learned two very important things that day. The first, my brother was actually cool. Second, well… if you still lived at your parent’s house, you should NOT start to make love with your partner without your door locked.
Comments (0)
See all