Linda was my first real relationship. I didn’t even know who I was back then. I lived the very period of my life when one is still searching for who they are, and I was convinced, I would find that by the side of Linda. She was older, much more experienced, she knew everything about how to live as a lesbian… I was in love with her and took her as my role model.
We’d been together for four months in complete secrecy. As far as my parents knew, she helped me to study, cause I had shit math grades, and Sanyi basically didn’t live at home by this time, so I didn’t need to tell a cover story for him. The long study hours with Linda after a time turned us reckless. If my parents weren’t at home, the studying always quickly turned into steamy sex sessions.
It wasn’t any different on that day either. I was out of the world with my legs up in the sky, and Linda doing her virtue on my pussy with her wonderfully skilled tongue, when the door swung open.
"Sis, don’t you know by any chance where mom keeps…" Sanyi probably went into shock, because he stopped talking, and immediately jumped out of the room.
"Can’t you fucking knock!?" I threw a pillow at my door.
At first, all I got as response was a very long and grating loud laugh.
"Sis, you better have a girl in there with you, cause if you got together with such a scrawny guy, I’m gonna break his bones."
Linda, who was still almost fully dressed, quickly picked up all the scattered clothes of hers.
"What are you doing?" I looked at her puzzled. "He’s already gone."
"Sorry, Fanny, but I can’t stay here now."
"Where are you going?"
"Away. Sorry. I’m gonna call you" she said as she stepped out of my room.
Sanyi was standing outside leaning to the side of the door.
"Oh, little-little Linda. I was wrong then. That bottom would’ve been huge enough even for a sumo wrestler."
Linda looked into his face from up close.
"You are still the biggest asshole in the universe."
She didn’t wait for the answer, just hurried toward the entrance door.
"Maybe I am, but that still gets me more girls than to you" Sanyi shouted after her.
By the time I covered my bare parts with my blanket, To spare myself the humiliation of being naked.
"I’m gonna go inside. I really am. I don’t want to see any uncovered skin" my brother said as he was slowly turning around then stepping into my room.
I had no intention talking with him. It was the most humiliating moment of my life, and I was convinced it would just get much worse when my parents hear about it in the evening.
"Scram!" I shouted at him. "I don’t want to talk with you! I hate you!"
But he didn’t seem to care about what I said and stayed perfectly calm.
"Everybody hated her in the school" she pointed toward the entrance, obviously speaking about Linda. "I bet you didn’t know that."
My eyes were shouting angered flames at him.
"I did. She told me how homophobic your whole class was. I’m glad that’s all you can see too."
"Homophobic?" Sanyi looked surprised. "Nobody in the school gave a flying fuck about who she slept with. She was hated because she was a hateful, hostile cunt."
"Maybe she became like that because you cast her out."
"She was an outcast without a doubt. But you know why? I’m sure you heard her version, but nobody else’s, right? She came out in senior year, but everybody had hated her ever since we were freshmen" I was looking at him doubtfully, so he picked out his phone from his pocket, and started to wiggle it. "But sis, you don’t have to believe me. I can call any of my former classmates for you in this instant."
I didn’t say a thing, which he took as an invite, so sat down on my bed.
"Let me guess, what she tells you all the time. Um… every man is an untrustworthy pig, aaand, they are the root of all the problems in the world, aaand, any woman who doesn’t share her views, is just a slave of this patriarchal society. Oh, I almost forgot the most important part. You should avoid people whom probably wouldn’t understand your situation."
Completely avoiding his gaze, I nodded. Or at least I think I did. It was so slight, even I couldn’t tell for sure if I did.
"You are still young, sis. Way too young to become this."
"And what if I am ‘this’?" I burst out. "What if I’m not interested in guys!?"
"Don’t you have a fucking off switch somewhere, goddammit?!" Sanyi asked back. "I wasn’t talking about being a lesbian, I was talking about this toxic waste that leaves that hag’s mouth every time she opens it. Linda is a poison herself. She’s toxic to everybody around her, and only an inexperienced girl like you can’t see it."
I looked at him with eyes flaming with anger but didn’t say a word.
"All I ask is to look into yourself! Don’t think I didn’t notice you cut off most ties with your male friends. Don’t think I didn’t notice you are not nearly as carefree as you were a half year ago. Do you really feel you are yourself more than you were then?"
I was so angry at him then. I felt I could blow up, but I still don’t know if it was because of the situation, or because his words hit a nerve.
"You can’t be happy anymore without her, right? You start to slip away from all your friends, you start to lose interest in the things you used to love before, with every day you are closed in more and more, you don’t talk anyone else, but Linda, am I right?"
Another almost invisible nod.
"Don’t you feel you completely give up yourself for her?"
"But this is who I am too! She understands the difficulties of being a lesbian and helps me with accepting myself the way I am."
"It’s bull fucking shit you are this. And it’s bull fucking shit she teaches you how to live as a lesbian. The only thing she does is turning you a like-minded feminazi. If you really wish to give up one side of yours for the sake of the other, be my guest, follow Linda."
I once again avoided his gaze. Somewhere deep down I probably knew he was right.
"Have you even tried to talk to your friends about this? About your feelings?
I shook my head.
"I thought so. How the fuck you could expect them to understand you if they don’t even know there is something to understand about you? You don’t even give them the chance to accept you, just follow a crazy cunt, who says, they would hate you, so you should lose them all together."
"But this is true. They would hate me if they knew."
"Yup, probably there would be a few, who hate you for it. But do you really want to lose EVERYBODY, just because SOME wouldn’t accept you?" He sighed "Look, sis, I really don’t want to tell you who to be, what to be, or with whom to be whatever you want to be. I swear, I wouldn’t have had a single word if I found you with anybody else in bed… Well, except for Marcsi. But Linda is the worst possible person to help you find your place in the world."
"You sure you don’t hate her only because she’s a woman?"
"You want the truth? The only reason she could leave the house in one piece is she’s a woman. If you’d been with a guy like her, I would’ve torn his limbs off one by one."
A weak smile crossed my face, but I still didn’t want to believe what he said about Linda. I loved her, and it seemed so unbelievable that she was as bad as Sanyi claimed.
"Will you tell this to our folks?"
"Our folks? You kidding!? I have two months left in this house, do you really think I want to spend that listening to mom’s hissy fits about you?"
I let out a bittersweet laugh. I knew exactly what would’ve happened, that made me be afraid of that evening so much.
"So you won’t tell them then?"
"Nope. If you realize in time that only your pussy loves Linda, I won’t."
"You are wrong. I love her with all my heart."
"Sure, your heart" he was nodding unbelievingly. "Have you ever been with another girl?"
"I’m seventeen, you can bet your ass I’ve been!"
"Dancing in a club, or making out to tease guys doesn’t count."
I angrily pouted. He saw thru me. Linda was the first real one.
"I thought so. It’s your pussy in love, not your heart" he touched his temple with his index finger. "Use your brains, sis. As much as I hate to admit, you have a lot. Strike sex out from the equation, and list the things you actually like about Linda" he patted the blanket where he suspected my thigh, then got up, and walked to the door. "All I ask from you is to think."
"Wait!" I called him out before he left my room.
"Yup?"
"You didn’t even look surprised because… you know…"
"I found you with another girl?"
I nodded.
"Believe it or not, you weren’t as great keeping this as a secret, as you thought."
"How so?"
"Well, all the missing porn magazines about lesbians from my room were quite a hint for once."
I started to swear inside. I would’ve never thought he cataloged his stupid porn so thoroughly. And the worst of all, I didn’t even find anything among them I liked that much.
When he saw I ran out of questions, he stepped out of my room, and I heard him saying from the hall.
"Think, sis. Think."
Probably it’s needless to say, I didn’t take his advice. Not immediately anyway. Deep down I might have known he was right, but I really wanted him to be wrong, and I was the smarter anyway. But our next few dates with Linda slowly started to make me realize, there actually wasn’t a single thing in her personality I liked. Oh, the sex was still insane with her, but everything else, that she was so passionate about started to feel off to me. I was beginning to realize, it was no exaggeration that she was in war against the whole world. She hated everybody, and all of her friends were just like her. Bitter, feminazi lesbians, and realizing it frightened me to the core. That was not what I wanted to be. I wanted to be with another woman because I felt emotionally and physically attracted to other women, not because I hated men, or in general my position as women - huge words from a seventeen-year-old, I know - in the society. I was frightened that feeling like them is compulsory to be a lesbian, that if I wouldn’t become like them, I won’t have my place either among the straight people nor among lesbians. I was a naive seventeen-year-old girl, for fuck’s sake, I only knew other lesbians thru Linda, how should I have known that the majority is not like that? Or that the world didn’t work like I thought it did?
After merely two weeks of the in flagranti, I couldn’t stand it any further, I broke up with Linda. Even my mom on the day of my coming out couldn’t top verbal abusement I got from her for this, but unlike how I reacted to my mother, I was able to stand up and tell her to go fuck herself. If she wanted to give me a proof, I did the right thing when I chose to break up with her, she did a really great job.
And Sanyi was right about one more thing. After the breakup, I came out to my friends. I won’t say it didn’t shock them at first, but in the end, all of them who were important to me came to terms with it.
I don’t know if I had done the same things - I really want to believe I would have - but there is a chance my life would’ve gone differently - way worse, without a doubt - if Sanyi didn’t catch us in the act that day.
This was the very reason why I felt right now that he’d be able to tell me something smart that’d make me feel better. Unfortunately, he couldn’t. He came to the same conclusion as me. Even if Adri needed time to come terms with it, the fact that the things got worse after the first shock, didn’t make it look any promising.
At the dinner table in the evening, I did my best to show my happiest possible face, but my performance left a lot to be desired. Even though nobody asked me about what my problem was, they knew something was off, they just knew me well enough I would tell it if I wanted to. The only exception was mom, I’m sure she would’ve run away with her ears covered if I told her I was lovesick because of another woman.
I spent the night in my old room with the little Ádi, cause there wasn’t more room in my brother’s old room for him. He was a bright wonderful little kid, but as being an emotional trainwreck at the moment, I could’ve imagined better ways of being woken up than a four-year-old jumping on my head.
During the day the life slowly started to come back to me, which correlated greatly with the fact that everybody of the family went to do their own stuff somewhere outside and I was left alone with Ádi who occupied my every second. I had my breakfast, he was jumping around me. I prepared the lunch, he was jumping around me. By the time when everybody got home in the early afternoon, I was lying exhausted on the couch, but Ádi still wanted to play.
Sunday was much less pleasant. Sanyi and his family went home, so I was left alone with my parents, and silence filled the house. Now I didn’t make any effort to cover I have some serious problem, but my parents still didn’t pry. Judged by mom’s behavior she probably spoke to Sanyi, cause she wore her “my daughter has women issues” face. It shouldn’t have bothered me so much anymore, but it did. How on the Earth could I have expected somebody, whom I didn’t even know five weeks earlier, to accept me, when even my own mother wasn’t capable?
The four Sundays before this were full of eager await. Every hour passed like they were years, and I touched myself more times than ever in my life before. My body literally trembled to be in the vicinity of Adri again. Whenever I thought about her, my heart beat faster, my skin flushed, and I breathed haphazardly. Sometimes, when we spoke over the phone, I lost my control, and as awful as it sounds, I rubbed myself listening to her angelic voice. I’ve never been so much all over for somebody, especially not on both emotional and physical level.
Now, on the other hand… Now the time went slowly only because I felt awkward in the presence of my parents, and the eagerness was substituted by stomach wrenching anxiousness. I was literally terrified by just the thought of meeting Adri again.
There was only one thing I could find comfort in. I only had to endure until the final exam on Thursday, and after that, I was going to be allowed to leave the Szentendrean base, and every memory from that behind me, let them be pleasant, or nightmarish.
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