When I got to my dorm Alex my friend was sleep on the couch. It looked like he watched something boring so he could fall asleep. Alex is always sleep when he remembers his past. I'm surprised he's not on drugs. I had to wake him up so I could figure out what he wanted for dinner or else he starved himself or ate small comfort snacks. I shook him awake. The first thing he did was scream jump and kick me.

Honestly it hurt. It was always like this though he's traumatized and coping. We both are. We don't go to therapy. We hate them. Alex says he feels so angry around them. They ask the wrong questions like he'd some brain damaged seven year old and they even give him toys.

Let's say therapists are without functioning toys. Honestly we're friends because of stuff like this. When he's all good and he feels like he'd whole. Someone comes along and bothers him an he feel like he has to murder someone. The wrong ad plays on YouTube and he loses it. He says it hurts. Like he'd really hurting inside and he wants to hurt someone.

He has music in his ears when he's not sleep. He blasts it to feel the music vibrations in his ears. He tunes it out. There are some things you can't cope with you know. Its like if you get forced into therapy you feel like your being killed. That's how it feels to us. Alex has had five therapists. Has one barely functioning left ear. He gets when the sounds barely audible. He can barely tolerate it. Until it comes back. then he blasts it in his ears again. He's a one track dude.

We prefer it this way. Coping without help unless we ask for it. It's stress free unless we get interupted during a perfectly good loud song in our ears. Turns out my mind's Frozen in place only to realize I've been in the same spot for ages. Long enough to finally her the loud music. The smell of food going into my nose. I zone out sometimes it's like an unbreakable wall with one window. Me and Alex have been through a lot of things but that's for another day to think about.

I've been stuck thinking of the pain long enough.