i wish life was like books or movies. No matter what, the protagonist ends up with their love. Where you flash forward three or four years, and wake up next to the person  you choose for the rest of your life. Just skip the drama, the fights, the tears...and the fears. GOD the Fears. They are the worst thing about a relationship; the way you don't know if what they are saying is true. 

i once saw a singers interview where she says "I will never know what you're thinking right now. EVER. Even if you tell me, I still won't know; because you could be lying." And honestly, i resonate with that so much. My body and my mind  SCREAM at me whenever You tell me something. Telling me "They're lying! They don't mean it! you mean NOTHING to Them. They actually hate you." And how could you not? I'm annoying, I'm ugly; from what I can see, there is nothing to gain from loving me.

But loving you? God, I can't even tell you how beautiful I feel When I am loving you. How validated, and amazing I feel. I feel like the sunset; in the way I feel beautiful and like everyone loves me. Loving You in the best feeling in the world, and gave me the strength to try to love myself. "You can't love someone if you don't love yourself." That is not true. i HATE myself, i truly do. Anyone i let slip that to always yell at me. "No you don't! How can you hate yourself, when you don't want to kill yourself?" Easily actually. I am just too scared to kill myself. I think about who is going to find me. My sister, my parents, God my NEPHEW. I am not going to let them find me. I love Them too  much to do that to Them. But i hate myself so fucking much. i am stupid, i'm ugly, and i dint know what i'm doing with my life.

But I love all of You. My friends, My family. You. But i don't know how I will keep going if I lost you because of everything going on right now.