I picked at the chip in the edge of the table I sat at. Across the room, one of AJ’s employees glared at me, but I didn’t stop. Either she was angry because I hadn’t ordered food yet or she was worried about me further ruining the table, but she’d tell me if it bothered her too much, right? I knew I shouldn’t be such an ass. It was definitely a bad idea to aggravate those that made your food, yet my nerves wouldn’t listen to reason.

I was at AJ’s to meet up with my dad for lunch. I’d skipped my math class to be here, not that I cared. Mr. Hunderbatch would tear into me Wednesday (if I showed up), but his wrath was worth it. Since Saturday, I hadn’t eaten more than the bag of Doritos Violet offered me this morning as a way of apology (and, yes, I was stupid for accepting her back into my life after how she acted Friday, but I could take advantage of her guilt and get food). Though I was terrified of how this lunch was going to go, I was going to endure it for the free food. If I could wing it, I was even going to try to get a hot dog or something for Jade.

My dad was already ten minutes late, and I couldn’t help thinking Patty was at fault. No doubt she was tagging along, and maybe she hoped that I’d get discouraged and leave before they arrived. I’d seen how much she disliked me when she and my dad visited me a few weeks ago, and she’d be petty enough to drive me away from my dad. Well, the joke was on her. Nothing Patty did would keep me from getting food.

Finally, I spotted through the glass doors my dad’s car pulling into the parking lot. My heart started to hammer so hard my chest hurt. I had to force myself to breathe, otherwise, I might have passed out on the floor. My fingers tapped out a furious tempo on the table.

I could see that he was by himself, but he took too long getting out of his vehicle. Was he trying to punish me by having the anticipation give me a panic attack? Did he argue with Patty on his cell phone and might be convinced to drive off without even checking to see if I was inside the restaurant? Did he have to mentally prepare himself for the conversation to come?

Then my dad did exit his car, and he held a green gift bag with black tissue paper sticking out of the top. The sight of it surprised me enough to make me forget how nervous I was. What was with the present? Was he trying to buy my forgiveness? Was it a late graduation gift a family member had forgotten to give me?

My dad opened the doors and stepped into AJ’s. He quickly found me and smiled, a genuine, I’m-so-glad-you’re-here smile. My anxiousness didn’t vanish, but that familiar, warm grin filled me with an ease I would have scoffed at twenty minutes ago. He waved for me to come over.

I did, and he wrapped me in a tight hug. Eagerly, I threw my arms around him and returned the embrace, and the scent of freshly mowed grass and cinnamon slammed into me. Tears threatened to fall as I realized how grateful I as he still smelt the same. For some reason, I’d thought Patty would change everything about him once they were married, including his job (he owned a yard work company, hence the grass scent) and the type of deodorant he preferred.

My dad pulled back. “I missed you so much, Ra-Ra.” His eyes searched my face. “How have you been?”

I wanted to gush about a lot, but I wouldn’t here, not where we were so exposed. No, my personal life wasn’t that interesting, but it wasn’t anyone else’s business what I had going on. Plus, a lot of JCC students came to AJ’s (the restaurant was only a five-minute walk from campus) and I didn’t want the staff repeating what I said around individuals who could blab about it to the whole student body.

I forced a smile. “It’s been a bit harder than I thought it would be, but I’m doing all right.”

My dad’s eyebrows knitted together—he clearly wasn’t buying my bullshit, but he didn’t press the issue. He gestured to the front counter. “Hungry?”

“You have no idea.”

He chuckled as we approached the counter. My dad told me I could order whatever I wanted, and I didn’t hold back. I got a shrimp basket, pizza logs, an order of large fries, one of onion rings, and the largest chocolate shake they had. My dad cocked an eyebrow but didn’t comment and followed with his meager order of fried mushrooms and two hot dogs, just onions on top. He paid with a hundred-dollar bill and handed me his change.

I just stared at the fifty-plus dollars. “You know I’m not the best at safe-keeping money.”

“It’s for you to spend however you want.”

I gaped. Okay, this wasn’t a huge amount of money and I knew my dad could afford to part with it, but he’d been always uncomfortable giving away large sums of cash that he didn’t think was earned. Maybe he did think I deserved it because I was going to college, but I thought it was because I looked terrible. Could he tell I’d eaten near nothing for two days now? Was he just remembering Jade’s mom’s house?

“Thanks, Dad. I love you,” my dad said as he steered me away from the counter to one of the booths ten feet away.

I rolled my eyes, stuffed the money into my pants’ front pocket, and hugged my dad. “I really appreciate it, you know.”

My dad shrugged and sat down, putting the gift bag next to the wall. “It’s nothing.”

Not true, I almost blurted, but I kept the comment locked away as I joined him. He couldn’t know the terrible situation Jade’s mom had put us in. He’d badger me until I relented and moved back in with him, and I couldn’t handle that. As it was, I was already struggling with not self-harming after every class Mr. Hunderbatch ridiculed me for lacking basic mathematical skills. I couldn’t imagine what I’d do if I had to put up with Patty every single day.

“It’s still awesome of you,” I said instead.

My dad smiled and pointed at himself. “That’s me: Awesome Dad!”

I laughed, even though it wasn’t funny, but my dad had been making stupid jokes like that long before I’d been born (had probably told a few to my mom on their first date), and it was part of his overall charm. I couldn’t help but be amused by his dedication to his lame hobby.

“So—” I nodded at the gift bag. “Is that for me?”

“Oh, no. It’s for Karen. Her birthday’s coming up, and I know you’ll see her long before I do.”

He was right. Karen’s birthday was October 11th, and she was coming the weekend before to visit and celebrate her day with her mom and friends. Since Karen and I had become best friends in fourth grade, my dad had always gotten her something, so this wasn’t weird. But I’d wager my entire lunch that he’d gone overboard this year to make up for lack of attention Karen would receive from her dad. It was sweet, but I hoped she didn’t figure that out. I’d hate to see her refuse his generosity.

“She’ll be so excited!”

My dad patted the bag. “I’m banking on it.”

Just then, one of the workers announced that our order was ready. My dad retrieved it and returned promptly. He sorted out the food, and I wolfed down half my onion rings before he’d even opened one of his hot dogs. My dad stared at me for a long second, and I smiled, not meeting his eyes.

“I got up late this morning and had to skip breakfast.”

My dad harrumphed but didn’t comment. He looked at me for another moment and then turned his focus to his food. I did the same but controlled how fast I inhaled the rest of the onion rings and the shrimp basket (I’d gotten the fries and pizza logs for Jade). We were well into our lunch before we started a casual dialogue, each asking and answering the polite questions forced upon you at any family get-together. It wasn’t as awkward as I’d feared, but I was glad I had the food to distract me.

“Does my marrying Patty still bother you?” my dad inquired suddenly.

The giant gulp of shake I’d just taken caught in my throat, and I almost coughed it out on him. Thankfully, I managed to swallow it before I gawked at him. Where did he get throwing out a loaded question like that? That wasn’t what this lunch was about. We were just supposed to catch up, talk about surface issues, and then part ways until next time. I wasn’t ready to get into this, not at AJ’s, not ever.

Yet, he wouldn’t let me leave until I answered. And unless I wanted to cause an embarrassing scene that might have the poor AJ’s employees calling the police, I’d have to say something.

“I...don’t think it’s really...bothered me at all.”

“The condition you left the house when you went to Jade’s says otherwise.”

I sighed. “You know, what does it matter? It happened...It happened.”

My dad reached across the small table and took my hand. This simple gesture had my throat burning and my eyes instantly watering. Why was he doing this? Why couldn’t we pretend everything was fine and dandy like other families? It wouldn’t kill us to keep all this nonsense locked up inside.

“I know everything with Patty has happened so fast. I never anticipated that, but stuff like this can’t be put on an easy-to-follow timeline of grief and acceptance. It’s different for every person.”

“But you and Mom...” I sniffled and turned my head so any customers walking to the counter couldn’t see my ugly cry face. “How do you...move on in a year from someone you’ve been with since you were nineteen? How am I—others—expected to not see it as...a horrible betrayal?”

My dad rubbed his face with his free hand. “There’s a lot you don’t—I can’t expl—No one will ever replace your mother in my heart. She was my soulmate.”

“So why bother with Patty?”

My dad looked sad and a little ashamed as he responded, “When have I been alone? I don’t know how to be.”

This revelation hit me hard. I’d never considered that my dad could be using Patty to fill any other need than someone to fuck. Maybe...maybe he was more the bad guy in this situation, if there was one to be assigned. Maybe I’d directed all my anger at the wrong person. Maybe my pity should go to Patty. Did she know this was how my dad felt? If so, why would she stay with him? Was she as desperate as him?

“Do you think that makes this all any better?”

My dad shook his head. “No, but I hope you understand why.”

“Not really.”

My dad squeezed my fingers. “Can you at least try? Maybe I’ve gone about this all wrong, and Patty and I jumped into commitment too soon, but she’s not a bad person. I don’t expect you to think of her as mother figure, but I’d like you to respect her as my wife.”

My first impulse was to scream ‘No!’, to rant and throw a tantrum to end all others. This wasn’t fair. Why did he want me to do the impossible? Couldn’t he live with how things were? They weren’t terrible. I was civil to Patty. With my nature, I’d never get into a fight with her unless she pushed me over the ledge and probably not even then. Life was all right.

Yet I wasn’t happy. Every time I saw them together, I wanted vomit. I’d actually been wondering how I could interact with her even less than now but somehow increase the time I spent with my dad. If that didn’t work out, I’d been mentally preparing for being around them both only twice a year. That would be super hard with Maddy’s baby in the picture, but I was sure I could make it work.

I knew that wasn’t a healthy approach, and I didn’t want to lose my family. What would that leave me? A few great friends and no plans for the future? What kind of life was that?

Plus, my dad wasn’t asking for me to recreate the universe. I could see Patty as more than a leach, eventually. The effort would be worth it in the end.

I wiped at my tear-coated face. “Yeah...I’ll try.”