I felt the tingle in my fist before seeing Seth’s chin turned in an awkward angle. My mouth opened and closed like a fish outta water before my brain caught up with my body. It hurt.

I stare at my fist, the knuckles turning red. It fucking hurts. Who the fuck thinks it’s a good idea to settle anything with fists? Cody did it so easily. My eyes leap back to Seth as he was messaging his jaw. The sting in my eyes intensifies. I wanted to blame it so much on the bruising knuckles. But I knew it was because of the ego bashing that Seth so helpfully gave. But all I could feel was a deep-seated guilt creeping into my bone-weary body mixing in with the panic freezing my blood.

“You’ve done enough,” I wasn’t sure who X was pointing that remark at as I feel one of his hands covering my eyes and the rest of his warmth encircling my body from behind. It was calming. Instant like someone turned off the noise.

I hear Seth chuckle, “Deserved. Pretty good swing there, kid.”

“Seth,” X warns.

“Yeah-yeah-yeah, I get it. Backing off.” He let’s out a breath before his voice took on a tone I haven’t heard before. It was almost distant, it dropped all that sarcasm, almost as icy as I first met him. But more…regretful, “I wanted to say sorry, got a little carried away. But kinda sidelined with what was in front of me.”

I pull on X’s fingers over my eyes and look directly back at Seth, “I get that you were trying to help but…I can’t do it like this.”

A half smile appears on his lips, “Yeah. That’s ok. And you’re ok for not wanting to continue. We still have time. But I think X was right and what just happened kinda just confirmed it.”

I blink up at X, “Right about what?”

“That you lack self-preservation,” Seth snorts.

I bitterly mutter, “I’m just afraid of being alone.”

“Isn’t everyone?”

Silence settles in again and I wanted to go look for some painkillers to get rid of this headache that’s been bugging me again.

“Alright, I’m heading back. Siem also wants you to go up to his office tomorrow to check up on you.”

Surprised the Viking remembers I still exist.

“But I think we’re on to something, though,” He adds.

I look back at him, “Seth-”

He puts a hand up, “Cool it, mate. I’m not suggesting anything just yet. But do you still want to be able to control this?” He motions with a hand to the door that I managed to blast from its hinges, lying broken on the floor with ice still growing over it and the floor in a sheet of prickling hoar frost.

I stare at the door then slowly back at Seth, “I…don’t really know.” It’s scary. That other me is scary. Lady calls it ‘Dream Eater’. “But…” I try to continue, “I still don’t want to keep feeling like this.”

Seth’s eyes flick over to X was a resigning sigh, “I’ll leave it to you.” He then trudges through the door back out into the tunnels.

‘Chimera looks serious. Lady stay out of way.’ Lady soon follows with a flick of her tail, leaving only me and X behind in the frigid dark.

“Come,” X pulls on me so that I was sitting back in the room that was still covered in a layer of ice along the edges. I sit down expectantly, waiting for what was next in this rollercoaster of happy fun times. X looks like he didn’t want to speak but then… “I…want to pose…a difficult question that I’m worried you won’t like it.” X had yet to sit down and was still holding onto my shoulders. I feel myself inwardly cringe like paper being crumpled up in my lungs. “…What do you think that your abilities do not manifest well?”

“I don’t know.” If I knew I wouldn’t be facing Seth and eternal frustration.

“…You are not thinking about my question very seriously, Kae.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I…do not either…but I do know that your abilities are intrinsically linked with this,” he taps my forehead with a finger, “and this,” his hand then moves to just over my frantically beating heart. “...Forever never accepting…forever never forgiving…forever never moving on. Forever blaming. Forever punishing. Forever rejecting everything. Forever afraid of change. Forever so fixated on never accepting. How long can this last?”

“I still don’t know what you mean.”

“No. you just don’t want to understand. You take on the blame because it is easy. It is the path that you take because you don’t want to look for an alternative.”

I suddenly felt defensive. “What, you’re saying that I play the victim?”

“…Not correct…” He hesitates, as I feel my eyes prickling again. This is seriously not my day. I want off the happy fun-time rollercoaster now. “…You…” He stops again. “I do not think that you will ever find change if you do not truly desire it.”

“I still don’t know what you’re saying! I’ve said that I want to change. I’ve been saying it for weeks!”

“You’re too afraid of taking a step forward because that means you have to admit that this is real. That this,” he pulls my demon arm forward so that it was in front of me, “is real. That it is you. That denying yourself may in fact be the very reason why nothing is changing as you keep saying. You don’t want to move on from your role as the “useless” one because it’s too difficult to admit that, that role has perished.”

This bastard sure has a lot to say for once. “What role?”

“You haven’t grieved anything…I do not understand the concepts completely, myself…but this denial of who you are and what has happened will stop you because admitting this as fact is too hard. You don’t want to move on.”

“How can I move on? They are my family!” How did this spiral into this? How has this turned into bringing up my guilt like a target and I’m being smashed into the board. “How can I just say, ‘so long’ to my very reason of being…How can I just pretend that I can live without them.” I try to move away from him, but he had a death grip on me.

“No one said that you need to forget them or to pretend,” X’s voice was still calm as I sit shaking in shock. “No one said that you have to be ok with everything that’s happened. But you are avoiding it, pretending that it doesn’t exist or that it’s not you. It is hard…but if you keep denying this reality…it hurts others around you because they want to help you from your bubble…”

“No one asked them to!” I snarl back as I felt ice climb the walls and splintered like glass breaking under pressure. ….I need to calm the fuck down but at the same time I didn’t want to. I had a slight feeling that I wanted to lose control and wreak havoc on everything around me.

“…But I’m here. Kae, I’ll always, always be here. You may not feel like that’s enough but…For now…I want to be here. You don’t have to accept everything all by yourself. I feel like you think that everything you do, needs to be by yourself. I want to help you…I…” his voice went low, “Do not understand all emotion or have the ability to express but…you’re everything I want…I want to be in your world.”

I feel everything just…break away like ash around me. I pull on his arms, “You are already part of it.” Cheesy shit right here. Have…I been making him feel so insecure? “You’re helping me so much since the moment I met you.” I couldn’t keep looking him in the eye as I admit the next thing that I really didn’t want to…added to the long list it seems, “I feel like I don’t deserve it…or you…” Fuck.

I quickly look back up to gauge his reaction. He actually looks…hurt, “But it’s not about what you ‘deserve’. I want to be with you…Don’t you want to be with me?”

I look back shocked and wanted to slap him, “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”

“Then what else is there to know?” He reaches for my demon arm, entwining his fingers, “I’ll keep telling you that I’ll always be here for you to lean on. I’ll always hold your hand, you’re not alone.”

Blushing to the tips of my ears, I mumble, “You’re gonna have to keep reminding me.”

“With pleasure,” I here him take a breath, almost like a laugh before he ensnares my lips in a gentle kiss.

My headache came in with full force of a migraine like I had just remembered to breathe after holding onto it for so long. I wince but try to pull X back down on the bed but I knew he noticed as he pulls away to get pain medicine.

I’m gonna have to teach him about ‘mood’. I almost snort. Yeah right, like I understand it any better than he does. But that doesn’t change how embarrassingly upset and sulky I am right now that he stopped and decided that my ‘health came first’. I let out a breath, ah this was too much for me to process.