“I want to have an open relationship.” Said my boyfriend. “I think I really need it.”

“What?” I said, shocked. I couldn’t say any more. I was already dealing with a lot and now this? And a day before we go to our trip to New York, too. My eyes started to tear up.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to upset you. I’ve just been thinking about it a lot and really feel that I need this…”

“What made you even want that? Am I not enough?”

“No, it’s not like that! It’s not that you’re not enough, you are! I just want to explore my sexuality. It was only recently that I accepted that I was bi and I don’t even know if I really like men. I’ve never been with one.”

“Ok, so you want to just go have sex with other people, is that it?”

We sat in a park bench, our eyes tearing up. “I don’t agree with this. I don’t want an open relationship. It’s like taking away all respect I have for myself.”

“I’m not trying to disrespect you. I’ve been really depressed lately. I’ve been thinking about the fact that I’ve found this one person who I want to be with for the rest of my life, but at the cost of my sexual exploration.”

“So what do you want to do?” I asked the question hoping he would throw away the idea of an open relationship. How could he even ask me that? I was so upset, I started crying. He didn’t say anything, but I heard a few sniffles. A couple walked by and when they saw us, they scurried past as if though they saw something they shouldn’t have seen.

“I don’t know what I want to do.” He cried. “I want an open relationship, but I want to stay with you.” His eyes were red from the tears.

“Well you know I’m not ok with an open relationship, so what do you want to do?” I forced words out between tears.

“I don’t know. I guess…I guess we should break up.”

I started sobbing. More people walked by. I hated this. I wished he hadn’t brought this up. I wished he would’ve just kept it to himself and figured it out.

“I just thought that I should tell you because you’re important to me. Because I love you and want you to stay with me. I don’t want you to leave me.”

“But you know we can’t do it. We can’t have an open relationship!”

“I know. I’m sorry!”

We sobbed some more. Once we were done and no more tears could come out, we got up and walked to the car without a word. As we’re driving, I look over at him and stare. I remember all the good times we had in our gray area. I remember Halloween, when we accepted our feelings for each other. I remember March when I made him ask me out multiple times. I remember all of the things we’ve done together, all of our outings, all of the funny jokes he’s told me. I’d miss him. I’d miss him so much. Life was being unfair.

We hold hands. The car ride home was quiet, until he broke the silence, “I’m sorry. I really am,” a sob, “I feel so selfish.” He starts crying again. I start crying too. “Stop it. You’re not selfish. You need this, you need to find yourself. I get it.” We’re close to my house now. “Yeah but, look at what I’ve done.”

“Stop it, you haven’t done anything. We had a good run, it was fun, and we aren’t ending on bad terms, right?”

“No, you’ll always be my friend.”

“You’ll always be mine too.”

We arrive. We sit quietly for a second. I turn to him and say bye, he says bye too, but when I turn to leave, he holds my hand. I look at him, hoping for something. Anything that could fix this. But he just stares at me. I feel shy, but I know that I can’t leave yet. I give him one last kiss goodbye, “Bye.” He lets my hand slide out of his.

--

When I get home, I immediately go to my room and start sobbing. I want to run back outside. I want to stop him from leaving. I want to tell him that I’m sorry, that I don’t want him to leave me. Open relationship or not, I loved this guy. We’d started our relationship a year ago and now it would all end because of this? Unbelievable! I cried and cried; I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take that I had just let him go that easily.

After crying my eyes out, I laid in bed, dead. I had no emotions, no tears, nothing; I was numb. I then remembered our trip. What were we going to do about that? We weren’t going to be able to get a refund and no one had the time to go in our place. So, I gathered my courage and I texted him: “Do you still want to go on our trip? I think we should go so that we can think and talk it out some more.” Stupid, I thought, he’s not going to say yes to this, we just broke up. But lo-and-behold, he texted back that he thought it was a good idea! I felt so giddy! I fell asleep that night anxious about the next day.

--

The day of our trip comes, and his parents offer to take us to the train station. This three-day trip was going to be very awkward, but not as awkward as this car ride. He texted me, “Let’s act like we’re ok in front of my family, I don’t want them asking questions.”

“I agree.” I replied.

When they arrived at my house, I got in the car expecting us to be very stiff, but surprisingly, we acted very well. It was as if though yesterday had never happened. The day was insanely sunny, and everyone was so happy. Nothing could ruin this day for me. Seriously! Because when we got on the train, we couldn’t stay away from each other. We just immediately gravitated towards each other.

“Can I hold your hand?” He asked.

I looked at him with this “you shouldn’t do that” face, but I let him anyway because deep down I know I wanted it.

“Can I put my arm around you?” He asked a few minutes later.

Again, I hesitated, but let him. I know you might be thinking of me as way too easy, but I cared so much for him that I didn’t want this perfect day to go to waste. Nothing was going to ruin my perfect day. I was ready to hear him out and I was ready to mend our relationship.

--

When we got to New York, I was amazed. I wasn’t expecting to be in such a nice apartment building and I also didn’t expect to be on the 40th floor. We were so high up that when we went up in the elevator my ears popped! When we arrived at the apartment, the owner of the Airbnb was still inside. It seems that he was relaxing on the bed, watching TV, not expecting us to arrive so early. The place was beautiful, but a mess! It was a studio, with a king-sized bed. It had a whole wall of floor-to-ceiling windows and a big bathroom. Upon entering, to the left, there was a small kitchen and a stand-alone island, where we could eat.

We put our bags down. “Did you see him? This guy was on the bed watching TV! I can’t sleep on that. Plus, it looks like he didn’t even clean the sheets!” Said my “ex”. It’s true. The bed looked disgusting, like they’ve slept in it a few times without washing the sheets. The floors were dusty as well and the bathroom mirror had splashes of red on it. At first, we thought it was blood, but then when we saw the owner’s girlfriend, we realized it was from her red hair. So, we did what any clean freaks would do and started cleaning their apartment. We cleaned the floors, the kitchen, the bathroom, and put the sheets to wash. It was crazy, but we didn’t mind too much, at least we were together.

When night fell, he couldn’t keep his hands off of me. He hugged me from behind and started feeling up the sides of my body. He dug his head into my neck and started sniffing and kissing me. “Stop.” I gasped, “We can’t do this.” I knew I wanted it, but I couldn’t help remembering our problem. He released me and looked at me like he wanted to jump on me, “Ok.”

When we finally calmed down, we started dinner. He made us pasta. It was my first time ever having his pasta, it was so good! Then, we had a serious conversation about the open relationship.

“Ok, so what are we going to do about the open relationship issue?” I said.

“I don’t know. But I do know that I don’t want to leave you. And if that means not having an open relationship, then I’m fine with that.”

“No. I’ve been thinking and you’re right. You should have the ability to explore your sexuality. I don’t want to take that away from you.”

“So, what are we going to do?”

“I think we should talk about it and come up with rules. What you can and can’t do in the open relationship. And I hope you’re not expecting me to not participate, we’re supposed to be equal.”

“Ok, I think that’s a good idea. And of course! I wasn’t expecting to be the only one participating in the open relationship.”

That night we talked for hours about the open relationship. About what was ok and what was not. About who we could sleep with or go on dates with. It made me feel secure in our relationship. We got back together that night, stronger than we were when we broke up.

--

As you may know by now, I did sleep with a girl in our open relationship. It didn’t go as planned, I didn’t enjoy it as much, but it was still a good experience. My boyfriend cried when I went to go see her, because he felt so insecure. But when I got back from seeing her my boyfriend and I had some of the best sex. It’s not that I was trying to make up for the failure, but that I loved my boyfriend so much and felt that he was the one for me. He was the one I wanted to touch and make love to, not a stranger.

Actually, we love each other so much that we’re now engaged and have had two successful years in the open relationship. I didn’t think it could be possible, but it happened. Now, with my love-life in check and secure, I just needed to deal with this ongoing depression.